Conversations with Cat

My First Time

2006-10-10T09:40:00.000-04:00

At a concert, that is, with one of my favorite bands; one that I'm so glad I "saved myself" for.

Massive Attack at Metropolis on Sunday, October 8, was incredible. Thanks to my friend for the best (surprise) birthday present ever. (The show was actually postponed to October 8 from its original September 11 date.) It was surreal to hear them playing tunes that I've listened to maybe hundreds of times. It gave me goosebumps.

3D, Daddy G and their guests Horace Andy and Beth Orton did not disappoint and put on an amazing performance, playing many unforgettable classics: Karmacoma, Three, Risingson, Dissolved Girl, Black Milk, Man Next Door, Inertia Creeps. And of course, Teardrop:

Definitely gave me something to be thankful for, this past Thanksgiving weekend!

Texting Me...All Night Long

2006-10-06T10:00:00.000-04:00

Text messaging is dangerous. It allows you to "say" all kinds of things you wouldn't normally say to someone for various reasons. It can be the equivalent of saucy little notes tucked away in a pocket or briefcase waiting to be discovered and savored. Just a few words to tempt and tease you, to wet your appetite and your pants. They can be subtle, filled with sexual innuendo or they can be boldly, blatantly bad. A sexy secret for your eyes only.

Almost Famous

2006-10-05T11:25:00.000-04:00

My new job in Communications is the bomb. There have been some hiccups along the way due to my excessive fear of failure and lack of self-confidence but so far I think I've delivered on my projects and have even garnered some praise and recognition in the process. Someone I met recently told me that he'd googled me and found links to my work, which I was really excited about.

At the same time I'm scared senseless. This latest career move means that I finally have clear deadlines, responsibilities and accountabilities, and because it's also in the corporate world I'm moving from behind-the-scenes to the forefront and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for it. I don't know what happened to the girl who used to compete and win in public speaking. I haven't seen her in at least six years but hopefully she's just been hibernating and will soon wake up refreshed, revived and ready to go. God, I hope so.

The only other problem is that I'm not "officially" part of the team yet. I've only been on loan since June and am currently awaiting my fate. I dread going back to my old group (AKA Go Straight To Jail, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200) but if that happens, c'est la vie, I'll try not to let it get me down. I'm just aware that my new job is truly challenging and stimulating and not many people can say that. It's stressful working in limbo like this. So close and yet so far, so far.

The Drugs Don't Work

2006-10-02T16:35:00.000-04:00

Is it true what the song says? Do they just make you worse? It certainly seemed to be the case for me this past weekend. I'd had a particularly rough week at work and was really looking forward to getting wasted and enjoying my weekend. I guess I didn't realize just how physically exhausted I was because a mere four drinks (albeit strong ones, slammed back one after another) into Friday night and I was pretty much a goner.

Thankfully I didn't get sick but woke up the next morning with a splitting pain in my head and an almost bigger pain in my heart at the less-than-flattering first impression I must have made on the people I was introduced to the night before. I must have asked this one dude what his name was at least five times, so much so that he jokingly threatened to walk away. For the record, his name was Kenny.

I know "you don't need drugs and alcohol to have a good time" (groan) but they sure make having fun a helluva lot easier. It'd be great if they weren't needed to attain altered states of consciousness. It'd be even great if I didn't want or need an escape from reality. I suppose it is getting old pretty fast, as am I. The drugs don't work like they used to but that probably means it's time to stop looking to them to do the job.

Chocolat

2006-09-26T12:00:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine told me that she has to have chocolate at least once a week. She said she'd go crazy if she didn't get her weekly chocolate fix. I like chocolate - usually of the milk variety: Ferrero Rocher, a KitKat break every now and then - but crave it? I can't say I crave it on a regular basis.

On a date a few weeks ago my date offered me chocolate and seemed amused when I declined. I explained that although I liked it I didn't need it like some people do. "You must get enough sex," he responded with a smile. I laughed and nodded in agreement but his comment made me think about the link between sex and chocolate.

They say chocolate stimulates the release of endorphins into our system, as does sex, which contributes to feelings of euphoria and relaxation. I suppose it's possible then that someone who lacks sex might crave chocolate. It certainly applies to my aforementioned chocoholic friend who has not had any sexual contact with the opposite sex in ages.

Another friend of mine admitted that she has recently developed a craving for chocolate and that this sudden desire does seem to coincide with her sexual abstinence. It's an interesting idea...

Women crave chocolate more than men but maybe it's because men indulge in more self-love on a daily basis, thereby more frequently enjoying the effects of those much-sought-after endorphins. Now before women all make a bee-line for their Rabbits/ Pocket Rockets/ Hitachi Magic Wands, I'll add that apparently laughter also releases endorphins. OK, so maybe rolling on the floor laughing isn't quite as appealing as a good roll in the hay but hey, unlike good sex, good chocolate or a good laugh should be easy to find.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

2006-09-06T10:10:00.000-04:00

My four year old nephew had a little girlfriend in pre-school named Georgia. One day, out of the blue, he earnestly told my sister, "I wanna break free with Georgia, Mom." She was speechless. It made my day.

Tempted By The Fruit Of Another

2006-09-05T11:25:00.000-04:00

Is it so commonplace that there are songs written about it? Is the fruit from your neighbor's tree truly sweeter or is it merely the lure of forbidden fruit that is so tempting? At best one sour bite is enough to satisfy the curiosity or make you regret the indiscretion. At worst you'll not only desire the fruit, you'll covet the entire tree. Either way it's bad karma for everyone involved. I'm totally aware of this, but it doesn't make it any easier to resist and at times makes it that much more irresistible.

A part of me wishes I hadn't asked and he hadn't answered, although I'd started to suspect it toward the end. It was a classic case of Ignorance is Bliss, or being deliberately obtuse. I knew about her. I just thought he was honest with her about there being others. I didn't want to be the only one. Knowing this would have made it an affair instead of just two single friends in a sometimes-physical relationship. At the same time I didn't want to be one of too many since I genuinely cared about him, yet had no interest in being his girlfriend. I couldn't trust him anyway.

Of course he isn't helping at all. He'd be a great politician - always so sure of himself and able to convince anyone of anything. I know he'll do his best to seduce me, appealing to my sentimental side, the one with the familiar, soft spot for him. I want to believe that there is no risk of reoffending. Doing so would only validate his dishonesty. I'm single, he's the one who's attached but would being his accomplice make me just as evil? (A mutual friend tells me that on some level she knows (don't they all?) but chooses not to ask. Sound familiar?) Would my doing the right thing now somehow save me from being a victim of someone's infidelity in the future? Maybe not but one has to start somewhere in making things right and I'm definitely going to try.

Birds of a Feather

2006-09-04T17:20:00.000-04:00

It's funny how things have a way of coming back full circle. Back in January at the end of this post I mentioned that my friend Sandy intended to introduce me to her friend T, who is of my ethnic background. And although I met T not long afterwards an official date was never arranged because I was told he "doesn't date Asians", which was fine by me since I wasn't exactly an Asiaphile myself. I ended up going on a couple outings with T's friend Jon instead but that didn't result in anything.

To make a long story short T and a friend came out with Sandy and I a few weeks ago. Perhaps it was the low/no pressure situation or maybe I'd had one too many drinks but I found myself slightly interested in T. Even more surprisingly Sandy told me the next day that Mr. I-don't-date-Asians had also seemed interested in me. Fast forward a month and four group outings later and here I am with my first date with T on Thursday night. (So much for my dating hiatus!) I'm a bit wary of my attraction to T. Having never dated an Asian guy before I'm afraid that my interest might suddenly wane at an inopportune moment and leave us in an awkward position. But I'm just overthinking things as usual.

Objectively T is one cool cat (in fact, my parents would probably consider him a "bad boy", which admittedly ups his appeal). I can't believe he's of the same ethnicity. He's the first Asian guy that I've been attracted to but whether or not this will translate into sexual attraction remains to be seen. Maybe a part of me wants to give him a chance because we're of the same "flock" and I'm actually not repulsed by the thought of kissing him. We'll see what happens when and if that situation presents itself (yikes!). How humourous that it'll be a "first" for both of us. I hope we don't disappoint. You know what they say about us Asians, lol.

Don't Cry

2006-08-29T17:15:00.000-04:00

A friend stopped by to see me at the beginning of last week. She knew I hadn't had the best end to my weekend and came over to chat for a while. I looked like death but it was more because I'd partied until at least 4am Friday through Sunday. She must have thought otherwise cause as she left she nodded her head sympathetically and said, "Don't cry," having spent her own Saturday doing just that. "I won't," I quickly reassured her and meant it. Circumstances may have gotten me down recently but if there's one thing I can say it's that I haven't shed a single tear over any guy I met in the last year. To weep is humbling and I refuse to be humbled by a jackass. They don't deserve our tears, I tried to explain to her, not unless they're tears of pity, in which case we should cry 'em a river.

100th Post

2006-08-28T14:55:00.000-04:00

It's ironic that my landmark 100th post on my dating blog should be about my need for a hiatus from dating. I'm on vacation this week in more ways than one. The entire month of August has been really stressful at work as I attempted to prove my worth in order to land a very challenging new job, which I'm proud to say I did get. I'm taking a much-needed break this week before my new role begins but then it's full steam ahead. I'm terrified of failure but also excited about the possibilities.

I've noticed an on-going inverse relationship between my personal and professional lives. That is, when one is going really well, the other is faltering in one way or another. I've had a great time going out and meeting people in the last year and a half but was beyond miserable at work. Now the instant things start looking up career-wise I'm suffering some major setbacks in my love life. I want to stop this vicious cycle and think that it's probably just a matter of perspective. I've been given an amazing opportunity at work and I shouldn't let whatever shortcomings I perceive in my personal life to bring me down.

After last weekend I decided to switch gears and stop obsessing over my personal relationships, stop tring to make thing happen and instead just go with the flow. I've kept a diary since I was 9 years old and looking back it's clear that I've always been a little boy crazy. I even told Jay that he'd have to settle with being just friends without the benefits. I want my life to be about more than just relationships or lack thereof. I'm two weeks away from my birthday and I want my 28th year to be even better than my 27th. I'm hoping to make and see some positive changes starting...now.

A Silver Lining

2006-08-24T11:30:00.001-04:00

The best part about being burned by a jerk is the ultimate and glaring realization that he was nothing more than a liar and a coward. Better to come to this conclusion and be rid of him sooner rather than later. It'd be much worse to fall for someone truly wonderful who either isn't available or isn't into you and honest about it. Not every guy who ends up hurting you is going to be an asshole but you should definitely not waste time being miserable over an ugly person who deserves only to be forgotten.

Apropos

2006-08-23T08:05:00.000-04:00

For the Week of August 24:

Philosopher George Gurdjieff declared that most of us are essentially asleep, even as we walk around in broad daylight. We're ignorant about the higher levels of awareness we're capable of; we're blind to the continuous flow of life's miraculous blessings. He said that in order to wake up and stay awake we need regular shocks. Some of these are uncomfortable, forcing us to face our own stupidity. But other shocks are delightful. They're doses of sacred medicine that entice us to shake off our sleepiness and come to attention in pleasurable ways. I believe that in the coming weeks you'll be offered a steady supply of the latter.

I hope you're right, Bob. You certainly seemed to be with last week's:

My old philosophy progessor Norman O. Brown would periodically interrupt his lectures, tilt his head upward as if tuning into the whisper of some heavenly voice, and announce in a mischievous tone, "It's time for your irregular reminder: We're already living after the end of the world. No need to fret anymore." The implication was that the worst had already happened. We had already lost most of the cultural riches that had given humans meaning for centuries. All that was going to be taken from us had already been taken. On the bright side, that meant we were utterly free to reinvent ourselves. Living admidst the emptiness, we had nowhere to go but up. What remained was alienating, but it was also fresh. Use these ideas as seeds for your meditations. You can apply them to both your personal life and the world at large.

Lost

2006-08-22T18:50:00.000-04:00

A series of unfortunate events over the last several days has left me feeling lost. I couldn't even visit my own blog because I knew I'd feel guilty about not having written in so long but I'm of the opinion that if I don't have at least one positive thing to say I shouldn't say anything at all, at least where my blog is concerned, so that hasn't left me with much. I hope to crawl out of this hole soon. I'd love to be rescued but I know that ultimately I should look only to myself. If I'd been able to do this in the first place I probably wouldn't be here right now. Or at least not so deep.

Baby Boom

2006-08-22T18:30:00.000-04:00

I don't know if any of you have noticed this in your own cities but there seems to be a proliferation of pregnant women waddling along the streets of mine. It's like everyone and their dog is with child. Though I love seeing babies in the streets (especially those accompanied by their handsome fathers) I've never found the sight of a very pregnant woman particularly heart-warming. Au contraire, I sometimes find it slightly repugnant, which hasn't helped my mood any lately.

Fools Rush In

2006-07-31T13:00:00.000-04:00

One of my girl friends and I chatted over the weekend about the latest guy she's "dating". I put dating in quotations because after a month of seeing and sleeping with one another she's still not sure whether they're actually dating. She doesn't want to broach the topic for fear of ruining a good thing, although being in limbo means that she can't even allow herself to be happy about a relationship that might not exist. What's worse, she's 35 and he's almost 40. You'd think that by 40 a man would be willing to commit to at least a relationship status.

The not-knowing is the most frustrating and stressful part. The last time I went through that with the psychiatrist I was "dating" last year I swore that I'd never put myself through that kind of uncertainty ever again. If you're sleeping with someone on a fairly regular basis he should give you give you the courtesy of clarifying your relationship or lack thereof; and you shouldn't have to be afraid to ask. When I finally posed the question almost two months into it he confessed that he'd been seeing another girl at the same. I was crushed but learned my lesson.

I admit that I was similarly evasive with The Boy but I later realized that the only reason I was hesitant about defining his role was because I knew he wasn't quite what I was looking for. I think that more often than not not saying equals not sure. And I don't know about the rest of you but at this stage in my life I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't sure how he feels about me, especially when I know how I feel about him, which I usually do.

I have an all-or-nothing approach to love. When I choose to love - and I don't love indiscriminately - I do so quickly, deeply, intensely, whole-heartedly. It's not always forever but it's always genuine in the moment and it's that kind of passion and abandon that I look for in a partner. I've tried unsuccessfully to adapt and change my ways in order to conform to modern-day norms. We try so hard not to appear too hopeful, too eager, too interested, too emotional, too vulnerable, too HUMAN, all in an effort to protect ourselves from feeling too much for someone who might not feel it back. But "the heart feels what the eyes cannot see and knows what the mind cannot understand."

I can't do it anymore. I'm inept at playing the game, unable to hide my excitement over someone, incapable of waiting whatever requisite number of hours or days the Rules tell me to wait before calling someone back or they call me. Forget 48 or even 24 hours after a date, I want him to call me from the car on his way home. Better yet, I want him to turn the car around and come back to me. Rules be damned! I want someone who'll throw caution to the wind. I want the foolish declarations of love. I want to know that I'm all he needs and to hear him shout it from the rooftops. If that makes me an incurable romantic then let me succumb to my condition.

Triple X

2006-07-27T15:45:00.000-04:00

At the video store the other night with my friend Carol, I caught Jenna Jamison staring out at me from the cover of Thinking XXX, an HBO documentary that "looks at the lives of adult film stars through the lens of photographer Timothy Greenfield-Sanders". (Wow, porn AND a documentary! Talk about having your cake and eating it too.) While I've no qualms about renting and watching porn with a boyfriend I'm not the type to pop in a video with a bunch of girlfriends and a bowl of popcorm. So when we decided to rent the "documentary" I wasn't sure what to expect. I thought it'd be low on substance and full of gratuitous sex scenes (which is fine if that's what they're going for) but it was actually an interesting, insightful film. Two (or three) thumbs way up.

I've often wondered what porn stars were like and how they got into the business. The stereotype that they're largely uneducated, from lower-income backgrounds and without a lot of options seemed to be confirmed by the film, although it's clear that some of the better-known actors are business-savvy and have managed to turn themselves into household names. Many of the actresses in the documentary describe themselves as horny exhibitionists, which made me think that there's a fine line between them and the college girls you see in Girls Gone Wild.

Overall it was a good film, worth checking out if only to behold, in one place, some of the hugest schlongs in the biz. Incidentally, the biggest on-screen one is attached to the smarmiest looking, balding, short guy. Proof positive that how a gift is wrapped doesn't necessarily reflect the present inside.

My favorite line from the film comes courtesy of Heather Hunter (a horse-faced gal if I ever saw one) who said, "I'm the Halle Berry of porn." Somehow I don't think Halle would be too flattered by that comparison.

A Private Consultation

2006-07-23T21:10:00.000-04:00

It's funny that both my friends named Sandy want to introduce me to their financial advisors. Actually, Toronto Sandy is hoping her guy will be the future Mr. Cat while Montreal Sandy can only go so far as to recommend her guy's professional services, although I've seen his picture and he is indeed a hunk so I can already imagine how professional his services are. He also moonlights as a pro golfer and has a flowing mane of blond hair. Sandy has a huge crush on Golden Boy, who, unfortunately, is recently married.

Who's the lucky lady who gets to call herself Mrs. Golden Boy? Mutual friends have described her as a pill-popping shopaholic who was drowning in debt but he asked her to marry him anyway only a year after they met. Some girls have all the luck.

Sandy has recommended that I call him for a consultation. I honestly could use some guidance with my finances but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't the least bit excited about seeing Golden Boy in person. And letting him handle my...portfolio.

Hassling The Hoff

2006-07-18T10:40:00.000-04:00

I happened to catch an episode of America's Got Talent last week on NBC. There are some genuinely entertaining performers like clog-dancing quintet All That and hula hooper Hoopalicious but the show is way too long and host Regis Philbin deserves a clog in the head.

Even more ridiculous though are the talent-starved washouts serving as judges: some british nobody who's undoubtedly buddies with exec producer Simon Cowell, fish-faced Brandy and her fake boobs, and the Grand-dad of Baywatch - the Knight-Rider himself - David Hasselhoff. Why, America, why?

Choices Choices

2006-07-17T23:50:00.000-04:00

Kay's about a week late for her period this month. We all want to believe it's because she's under an usual amount of stress having just bought and moved into her new house and not that she might actually be pregnant by her on-again-off-again-barely-divorced boyfriend.

She wondered aloud what she would do if she were pregnant; what he might ask her to do. Would she, could she get an abortion? She and I are pro-choice but what might've been a choice when we were 18 isn't so easily an option at 28. If we're old enough to own property, clearly we're old enough to take responsibility for our actions.

I accept and even look forward to Motherhood as an upcoming stage of life but I can't say I feel the pangs quite yet. It's hard to want the child when you don't even know the man with whom that child will be created. Being a single mom of two dogs I'm painfully aware of how much more difficult it would be to raise children alone, so for now, at the still-relatively-young age of almost-28, my desire to have a baby is still dependent upon my first finding the One.

If I were to get pregnant right now I'm not sure what I would do. There's always that chance every woman takes when she decides to terminate a pregnancy that she might never be able to conceive again. She might one day pray for something that she asked to have torn from herself today.

Sometimes I think about what it'll be like when "he" and I will be waiting and wishing for the test to be positive. How odd yet exciting to think that that day will eventually be here, and then every choice going forward becomes a joyous one: pink or blue, Aidan or Olivia. Many decisions lie ahead. I just hope neither Kay (nor I) need to make the most pivotal of all choices any time soon.

The Spice Of Life

2006-07-14T04:45:00.000-04:00

I thought it was funny that the same day fellow blogger Yellow Gal sat in her doctor's office I was sitting in mine, pondering my actions over the last year and a half. I'm happy to say that save for one person I have no regrets over the people I've let into my life and/or my...arms.

Even before I set out on this journey of being single I never equated a person's number of partners with sexual experience, and prowess even less so. I agree with Yellow Gal that, depending on how open-minded and adventurous you are of course, you can experience far greater things in a long term relationship than you would in a series of one night stands. I'll admit though that I used to use the word 'slut' a lot more liberally and less discriminatingly than I do now, not because I think I am one but because I came to understand that it's more about your motivations when entering into a situation than the situation itself.

I was very conscious, coming out of my long term relationship, that I wanted to stay single and play the field a little or a lot as the case may be. Variety for variety's sake. Now, 17 months later I can certainly say that I achieved what I set out to achieve and that it's time to change gears once again. Sex with different people under different circumstances may be fun and novel but indeed nothing beats sex with someone you really care about and/or within the context of a relationship. Lots of sex without any intimacy loses its charm real quick. This is not to say that I'm taking a vow of celibacy but I think I've enough experiences under my belt (no pun intended) at this point and am not just looking for a good time anymore. Ironically, a "good time" is never all that good when I just don't care.

Solidarity

2006-07-04T10:30:00.000-04:00

My gay friend, Mark-Anthony, went on what he thought was a great date last week. The Guy suggested they go out again. They planned to call one another at around 5PM on Sunday ("you call me or I'll call you") to do something later that evening. M.A. gave himself until 5:45 Sunday afternoon, then caved and called the Guy. Voicemail. M.A. left a message. The Guy didn't call back. MA was crushed and drank himself into a stupor by himself on what should've been Hot Date Night. (Incidentally my plans had also fallen through so I felt his pain.)

Gay or straight, guys suck...and not in a good way.

No Win Situation

2006-06-28T18:40:00.001-04:00

I sometimes think us women ought to cut men some slack. I heard myself complaining to Kay this morning that my date last night was all over me - which I quite enjoyed in the moment - but that he must not have too much respect for me if he was so aggressive. Juxtapose that with my recent complaint about J being too sweet and not sexy enough. Sigh. I suppose it really is a challenge for men to understand what women want when we hardly seem to know ourselves.

A League of Their Own

2006-06-28T18:30:00.000-04:00

Is it just me or does everyone categorize attractive members of the opposite sex as "attainable" and "unattainable"? It's almost like what one would do with movie stars: Wentworth Miller? Totally hot but to actually be the one dating him? Inconceivable.

I think I have relatively good self-esteem but is it really so if I still consider some guys "out of my league"? What exactly does this imply and how often is it actually true? Do even the most brilliant, successful, gorgeous people feel they aren't good enough sometimes?

To my surprise, I was twice mistaken in the last week when two such "unattainable" men expressed an interest in me first. In fact, my date with one of them went quite well last night and the other I'm supposed to see on Sunday. It makes me wonder how many other Major Leagers could have been mine if only I'd been confident enough to make my own interest known.

A friend advised me to begin correcting this problem by going after what I really want - not just the ones I think I can get but especially the ones I think I can't. If what happened this week is any indication a whole other caliber of potential partners could be on the horizon...

The Conquest

2006-06-26T17:10:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend I heard from and had an unexpected date with J, the primary source of my sexual frustration at the beginning of this year and whom I hadn't seen since I gave up on him in mid-February. I finally know what it feels like for a guy to be with a girl who just won't put out. I'd call him a cock tease except that I don't have one and I really don't think he's doing it on purpose. He's just not much of a ladies man despite being 29 years old and quite cute.

Our date a few nights ago was thankfully not as G-rated as our previous get-togethers but it certainly did not go the way I would've intended. On my "walk of shame" home the next morning (the only shame being that not enough happened) I came to the realization that when it comes to J, I'm really only after one thing and I'm not afraid to admit it. It has become the pink elephant in the room. The only reason I'd continued to see him was because I was hoping for a repeat performance (and more) of our first date but if I were to somehow know that things would never physically progress between us I'd forget about him completely. I'm finally thinking like a man, at least where he's concerned.

The frustrating thing is that the chemistry is excellent when he just relaxes a little but, as I've come to expect, he'll abruptly turn the stove off just as things are starting to heat up and frankly I'm tired of it. Chemistry or no chemistry being a sissy definitely takes away from your sex appeal.

I'm not sure when or if I'll see him again and whether I should tell him about how I feel. I can foresee such a direct, mature conversation making him very uneasy. I may find some way of bringing it up but I have a feeling he just won't get it, which is why he's in this mess in the first place. The poor boy is clueless.

The Golden Child

2006-06-09T11:25:00.000-04:00

I remember a time, not too long ago, when the very idea of having a conversation with my parents which did not involve screaming, crying or simply enraged silence seemed proposterous. I haven't managed to purge myself of all my residual pain (at least not without therapy and/or the ingestion of massive quantities of illegal substances) but when I compare the relationship that I currently have with my parents to that of a decade ago I'm pretty amazed by how far we've come. Our relationship is far from perfect but I realized that I've judged my parents very harshly and should appreciate them, both for what they have and haven't done.

Considering that they are immigrants, about 15 years older than most of my friends' parents, and unfashionably old-fashioned, they haven't let this affect my life as much as I expected. They were very strict while I was growing up and I thought they'd continue to exert their iron will well into my adulthood but they haven't. My parents' social life is busier than my own so they're usually more preoccupied with their own lives and stay quite respectfully out of mine. They rarely pop in without warning, never ask personal questions, and if they're at all concerned about my biological clock they don't show it. In fact, I've felt pressure from everyone but my parents to settle/settle down. I knew how much they disapproved of my relationship with Mac but they never nagged me about it and never tried to break us up. Maybe that's why I voluntarily came crying to them when I decided I'd had enough and even then they never said "I told you so."

Since I was 18 my parents have let me make my own decisions and mistakes. They'd tell me what they thought but never made me feel guilty about doing it my way. I know I can go to them for help for whatever I need and that they'll support me no matter what, even if they disagree. Unlike some of my friends who complain that their parents are never satisfied I know mine have always been proud of me. Their youngest. Their Golden Child.

A friend told me recently that her parents (who are friends with mine) told her to tell me that I should visit my folks more often as their health is failing. It's true that despite an active social life both my parents have suffered mini-strokes. First my mother, who's mobility has since decreased by 80%, and then my father. While I do live only a few minutes away from them I really don't visit them that often. Our relationship may have improved but my familial home has deteriorated. I just don't feel comfortable there and my flight instinct kicks into high gear every time I'm there so that I never stay for more than an hour. But my friend's parents' comment was a wake-up call for me and I felt a little ashamed. I should spend more time with them while I still can and shouldn't need an outsider to tell me so.

I'm taking my parents to dinner tonight to a restaurant of their choice. If I don't see them at home I can at least take them out. I've also bought them each a small gift, and I've committed to dining with them once a month or so. This may seem like a normal thing to do for some but not so much for an immigrant family like mine. My older sister and brothers have certainly never done this themselves. But it's a tradition that I'd like to start. I want to show my parents how grateful I am for everything, even if I can't find the words to say it.

Miss Peacock. In the Study. With the Wrench.

2006-06-07T19:30:00.000-04:00

I have my own unsolved mystery at the moment and the clues all seem to point in the one direction I don't want them to but it's hard to deny or make excuses when the answer seems so obvious.

A friend has been staying off and on with me for the last few weeks since she and her boyfriend broke up. She stayed at my place the week I was away in the Dominican Republic and with me for most of my first week back in town. I comforted her for several days while she sobbed over the breakup. I encouraged her to pick herself up and look for an apartment and then visited apartments with her until she found one. It was a bit of an adjustment living with someone in such close quarters when I'd grown accustomed to being on my own with everything just so, plus the fact that I'd only just returned from an action-packed 8-day holiday with friends, but I wanted to help and genuinely enjoyed her company. That is, until my stuff started disappearing.

It started out innocently enough. She drank my booze without asking and without replacing it. Then three of my tops mysteriously disappeared. They were in a pile on my dresser and now I haven't seen them in over a week. I looked everywhere and am quite organized so it's impossible that I missed them. I commented on how odd it was and she asked me with wide eyes whether I thought she took them and I said no, of course not, because I hadn't for a moment thought that she'd do that. Then I noticed she'd helped herself to a couple of condoms from my bathroom drawer. Not a big deal but again I would've appreciated her mentionning it. Finally this morning I realized that she'd taken one of four tubes of moisturizer I kept underneath the sink, and not the one that she'd been secretly using anyway but a brand new one so that I now have two full bottles, a third one that's half-empty, and one that's missing. The idea of her having taken my tops sucks but suddenly isn't so improbable anymore...

More than anything I'm hurt and feel somewhat used. Until recently she was still popping in throughout the day to take showers, do loads of laundry, and use the computer. Her stuff is all over my place. None of this really bothered me until she started taking things without asking. I'm upset that she's put me in such an uncomfortable position, having to confront her about what seem like such petty things but it's not OK to take advantage of someone when they've been kind to you, which I think I have been. She doesn't move into her new place for another three weeks but clearly I'm not too keen on hosting her anymore.

I asked her over the phone this morning whether she'd taken the moisturizer and she said maybe she'd used it and had taken it by mistake. (Mind you, she didn't use/take the same one I was using and kept in the cupboard but a brand new one from beneath the sink.) Then I added that she probably didn't have them but that I'd appreciate it if she could double check her bags to make sure she doesn't have my tops. I'll also have to ask her for my keys back. I know she let herself into my place last night while I was out, which I'd once told her was OK, but I feel differently now. Now I've been betrayed. Blindsided by Miss Peacock herself.

Another 48 Hours

2006-05-19T12:55:00.000-04:00

Until I say "hola" to Temptation Island (AKA the Dominican Republic), strong rum-based cocktails, sand between my toes, the sun on my face, and the salty ocean on my skin. Not a moment too soon either, given that it has rained pretty much non-stop for the last several weeks. No puedo esperar...

Le Freak

2006-05-19T00:15:00.000-04:00

I realized that the marked decline in my number of posts is related to my utter disinterest in boys and dating as of late. I'd gone on a few casual outings in the last couple weeks but hadn't had a "real" date in about a month, which, surprisingly enough, I'd barely noticed. After a whirlwind first quarter I suppose I had to run out of steam eventually, but it was more a matter of my being distracted by other exciting developments in my life and my career than a lack of opportunity, though I have to admit that at the same time I've been more discriminating about who I choose to spend time with.

So although I didn't particularly miss the drama of dating I agreed to go out with this online guy who had been "pursuing" me for several months, and by pursuing I mean continuing to send me messages even though I rarely responded to them or any other Online Daters' messages. (I had OD'ed on OD.) In retrospect it was a foolish idea to go out with somone I had so little interest in from the beginning, but I remembered how I was always griping about passive putzes, which this guy certainly wasn't, so I felt bad and decided to reward him for all his efforts. What was that I'd said about pity dates? Oh yeah. No more of them, dammit!

The date was unremarkable, except that I had great fun bowling for the first time. (I bowled a 74 game, which, as a bowling virgin, I was extremely proud of.) I also have the at-times unfortunate skill of being able to get through dates with insufferable, irritating men with a smile on my face, something about "trying to make the best out of a bad situation". However, oftentimes the guy with whom I'm on the date ends up thinking I'm interested in him when I was only interested in being polite. After this guy took me on a (gag) romantic walk along the canal I knew it was time to end the date, which I did. Even though my trip was still a few days away at that point I told him I'd maybe give him a call after I got back, hoping that he'd get the hint. He didn't.

I don't know why I thought he'd let things die quietly when I went out with him in the first place on account of his aggressiveness. The freak show began early the following morning with a series of IMs telling me that we should start dating. I ignored this and avoided him as best I could - as much as you can avoid someone sending you IMs every few hours - while I thought of how best to let him down. In the meantime he followed up with three phone calls, one of which I missed while I was my tennis lesson. When I finally answered he totally flipped out, ranting and raving about how I'd been ditching him all day, how rude I was, and how I obviously didn't want to talk to him anymore. This was not even 24 hours after our first (and only) date. His emotional outburst creeped me out so I just said thanks for the previous evening and good luck. He'll need it.

...Make That Two Tickets

2006-05-13T21:15:00.000-04:00

I just found out that, purely by coincidence, none other than Blind Date himself is going to the Dominican Republic next week. He and a friend will be staying in Puerto Plata, 13 miles west of Sosua, but we'll be on the same flight coming and going and have talked about possibly meeting up during the week. How utterly bizarre...

Ticket to Paradise

2006-05-13T15:40:00.000-04:00

I'm going on vacation. For the week starting Sunday, May 21st, I will be out-of-the-office/off-line/out-of-service, and hopefully developing a deep, dark, tropical tan on the sandy beaches of Sosua, Dominican Republic, with a side trip to Cabarete and hopefully the idyllic Samana:

I can't tell you how much I need this break. So much so that I'm more stressed out than excited at this point, although I suspect that'll change as I get closer to the departure. I'm not the most spontaneous person in the world but decided to "just do it" as they say and booked the holiday. It has become apparent to me that the window of opportunity stays open but for a moment and it's up to oneself to make the most of any chance one is given. For this particular adventure I'll be accompanied by my fun-loving friends THC (yes, I know what (else) that stands for) and Lo, with whom I know I'll have - and I say the following without a hint of drama or exaggeration - the time of my life...and you can't put a price tag on that.

Let the countdown begin!

My Next Boyfriend

2006-05-04T12:10:00.000-04:00

http://montreal.craigslist.org/m4w/157366456.html

Or maybe this one...

http://montreal.craigslist.org/m4w/156927070.html

How will I ever decide?!

Love-Love

2006-05-02T22:34:00.000-04:00

I thought I'd try my hand at a game where "love" has a slightly different meaning. I've decided to register for tennis lessons, twice a week, starting next Monday. I even went so far as to buy myself a racket and a can of balls this afternoon before I could wimp out and change my mind. Mind you, I still have to walk over to the park and actually sign up/pay but I plan on doing that before the weekend.

I think it'll do me a world of good to get out there, get active, and give myself something different to think about. It's too easy to settle into a routine where you forget to challenge yourself or experience new things so despite my apprehension (and a good dose of laziness) I'm going to march out onto that tennis court and give it my all. I pray that I won't be a total clutz and embarrass myself, especially not if my instructor's a hottie. Sorry, old habits die hard.

I gave myself permission to do nothing but live my life for the last year, which has been an experience in itself. The last thing I wanted to do was detract from its significance by introducing too many things. I didn't want to overwhelm myself and I think that could easily have happened. There were lots of things I wanted to do last year that I couldn't get around to doing - like taking tennis lessons - but that seem more feasible now. It was just too much too soon but I think it's finally time to get the ball rolling (bouncing?) again.

This year I'd like to pursue more hobbies (and drinking, smoking, and dancing don't count. Well...maybe the dancing part.) Thankfully I discovered blogging toward the end of last year so that was great. Aside from tennis I'd like to take a jewelry-making class, something else I've been meaning to do for a while, and get back to the gym and try to reclaim the bod I sported circa January 2004. I'd like to be 3-5 pounds lighter by the end of summer. Hopefully tennis will help me achieve that goal.

But fear not, dear friends, I haven't given up on dating and mating. I think this summer will open up new doors and bring about many new adventures for me, which, of course, you'll hear all about. Hopefully the game will be exciting both on and off the court!

A Double Standard

2006-04-29T03:00:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wish I were a guy. Would a single guy say no if a hot girl asked him out because the girl didn't call soon enough? Would a guy take it upon himself to teach the hot girl a lesson by ignoring her calls? Would a guy worry about being perceived as an easy tramp by the hot girl if he allowed himself to be seduced by her? Hell no. He'd probably just fuck her, smoke a cigarette, and show her the door.

I heard from Blind Date this afternoon who I haven't seen since our date in mid-March. He has, however, called or emailed me four times since then and has now asked me out twice, but both times for the very night he was calling and both times I had other plans. Is it purely arrogant for me to expect him to put more effort into it and calling earlier even though I've put absolutely no effort in myself? Am I playing a great Bitch by not wasting my time on someone who won't trouble himself for Moi? Or am I just being anal (no pun intended) and depriving myself of a good time with a very sexy man from whom I want nothing more?

Maybe I'm being particularly hard on Blind Date because I already have one part-time lover that I hate that I can't say no to. It's like I'm trying to overcompensate and demand respect from Blind Date, who's a stranger to me and doesn't really owe me anything, instead of from Jay, who's supposed to be my friend but who definitely hasn't tried as hard as Blind Date. And yet I was willing to see Jay in a moment's notice a few nights ago precisely because he's also my friend. If anyone deserves a tongue-lashing (not that kind of tongue-lashing) for his spontaneous/insensitive behaviour it's Jay. I'm less forgiving of Blind Date and that's a double standard that's not really fair to him or me.

I guess, in the end, this isn't about Blind Date at all but about my displaced annoyance with Jay. I'm no where near wanting a relationship or anything of the sort with him but I do expect more consideration from him, especially given our friendship, than what I feel I'm getting. The thing between Blind Date and me was just physical and I can appreciate that. What I don't want is for it to become only that between me and Jay. Ironically, we've lost some of the intimacy and closeness we'd previously had. Our situation isn't (yet) such that it'll be difficult to go back to being just friends, but we should probably do that soon before things get more complicated. I dare say we had more fun as friends.

So what does this mean for Blind Date? Should I ditch him or should I just use him for what he's pretty damn good at? I mean, it'd be a shame to let that go to waste. Plus, the fact that I'm actually attracted to someone is a rare treat indeed. Why can't what's good for the gander be even better for the goose?

A Numbers Game

2006-04-20T12:00:00.000-04:00

How many sexual partners does an average person have over the course of their lifetime? I found myself asking this question after an episode of Scrubs in which JD, Turk, and Dr. Cox each call out their respective tallies: 9, 12, 18. I wondered whether these numbers were realistic as I'd always assumed the average to be much higher than that.

A google search resulted in averages ranging from 6 to 23, which didn't help much until I came across the 2005 Global Sex Survey, conducted by Durex. The answer according to Durex? 9 (globally), with men averaging more partners (10.2) than women (6.9). Canadians and Americans are only slightly more active with an average of 10.7 partners. The Turkish topped the list at 14.5 lovers (maybe it's all that strong Turkish coffee), followed by Aussies (13.3) and Kiwis (13.2), giving new meaning to the term "Down Under".

So I guess the writers of Scrubs did their homework. I think 10.7 is a respectable figure. I personally know people who have had considerably less (like, none) as well as those who've had a lot more (like, the size of a small village) but it's good to know that the Average Joe/Jane may have been around the block but not the neighborhood. I know I wouldn't want my boyfriend to have slept with more than, say, 12 people. Realistically how many men would other men want their girlfriends to have been with? Enough to be considered sexy and experienced but not enough to rival Annabel Chong, right?

Other highlights from the survey...

Countries where you're most like to find:

Cheaters (AKA Extra-marital affairs): Turkey (58%), Denmark (46%), Norway (41%), Iceland (39%), Finland & Vietnam (36%). (Canada 18%, US 17%).
A One-Night-Stand: Norway (70%), Finland, Sweden & New Zealand (64%), Denmark (63%). (Canada 52%, US 50%).
A threesome: Australia (28%), Iceland, NZ & South Africa (26%), US (24%), and Canada (23%).
Anal sex: Chile (55%), Greece (55%), Crotia (49%), Finland (49%), Norway (48%). (Canada 41%, US 47%).

Most common places to have sex besides the bedroom (globally): in the car (50%), in a washroom (39%), in your parents' bed (ew) 36%.
54% of Australians have had sex in the park.
16% of Chileans and 15% of Norwegians have had sex on public transport.
Canadians and Americans lead the way for Sex on Camera at 21%!

Greece is officially the horniest country with Greeks having sex 138 times a year (2.7 times/week) versus the global average of 103 times a year. Canadians and Americans aren't doing so badly at 108 and 113 times per year respectively, or about twice a week, which apparently still ain't enough for the 41% of men who want it more often.

Satisfied with the knowledge of where I fall on the scale I quietly folded up my List and tucked it back into its hiding place. Of course, a person's Number is only one part of the big picture. Just how big of a slut are you? Find out here!

Chivalry Lives

2006-04-17T12:45:00.000-04:00

I'd forgotten what it was like to go out with a real gentleman, someone who does all of those little things that many of us don't even expect on a date anymore. Ask any woman and she'll probably agree that chivalry is dead but that it should be revived - STAT! It's true that dating protocol has undergone some dramatic shifts in the recent past with it now being perfectly acceptable for a woman to ask a man out and so forth. Some men argue that they don't know how to behave on a date anymore. No matter how much times have changed and how many men women ask out one thing remains: old-fashioned good manners still wins points with the girls.

After Jon dropped me off last night I found myself thinking of all of his small gestures throughout the evening that together made such a big difference. It's the little things that count and that will set some men apart as the exception and not the rule. (Speaking of The Rules, Jon didn't break a single one.) It's not enough for guys to do the obvious like pay for dinner - though that in itself is not a given - and think that that'll be enough to earn him the title of First Knight. Lancelot, you are not. That said, here, in my humble opinion, are a couple of moves that are sure to get her talking to her girlfriends about you post-date:

1) Pick up the tab. (I've paid for my half of so many dates I've come to hate the Dutch.) Bonus points if you do it discreetly. Pay the bill on your way to/from the men's room. Or, after it arrives at the table set your credit card down without looking at the total or otherwise making a big deal out of it. Jon not only paid for dinner but for drinks and a show afterward. I offered every time but he wouldn't hear of it.
2) Let her order first. Don't begin eating before she does and eat at her pace. No woman likes to feel like she's the only one left eating and that you're waiting for her to finish.
3) Call the girl to confirm the date, especially if you made the date several days earlier and haven't spoken since. We've all been in that situation where it's Friday evening and you have no idea whether he's going to show up or not cause you haven't spoken since Monday when he kinda asked you out. If you actually do go out and have a good time it's nice to call or email her ideally 12-48 hours after the date to tell her so. Just a few words, nothing drawn out.
4) Pick her up instead of meeting at the agreed-upon location. This does not mean calling her from your cell phone to let her know you're outside or worse, honking while you're double-parked. Similarly, drop her off at the end of the evening or at least slow down enough so that she can jump out and roll safely to the curb.
5) Bring something. Flowers might be going overboard but a bottle of wine or some dessert is a nice gesture. Who knows, maybe she'll invite you back to share it later.
6) Compliment her. Just once upon arriving is fine to acknowledge any effort she put into preparing for the date. No need to slip in a puddle of your own drool all night.
7) Open doors and let her through first. Holding the door open behind you isn't the same thing. I must have gone to Jon's car a half-dozen times yesterday and he unlocked the passenger side first and opened the door for me every time. (I unlocked the driver's side door for him from the inside. Hey, gotta do my part.)
8) Walk on the outside nearest to the street. This is an oft-forgotten move that is still appreciated. It's unlikely that you'll be able to save her if a car were to come careening off the street but it's nevertheless a heroic gesture. At the very least you'll shield her from being splashed by a careless driver.

The real key is to do all of this smoothly, not obviously. Be casual, not corny. You don't have to stand up every time she gets up from the table, pull out her chair or help her into or out of her coat. It's a shame but women are so unaccustomed to chivalrous behavior that obvious moves can arouse our suspicions or activate our gag reflexes so it's best to be genuine, not phony. I'm told that Jon is always a gentleman, not just to the woman with whom he's on a date. I think guys can learn a lot from Jon, like Jeff for example, a guy that I went out with last week who was pleasant and polite enough but missed all the little things. OK, so you can't make a woman fall in love with you by picking her up or paying for dinner but you can show her some respect and make her feel pretty special. It might win you a second date. Or maybe you'll be the inspiration for an entire post in her blog. Well done, Jon, well done!

Star Crossed

2006-04-12T13:30:00.000-04:00

I can't wait for June. That's when, according to my astrological Transit report, things are finally scheduled to slow down for me. The current forecast, valid from January-June 2006, could not be more accurate and I feel it's taking a toll on me, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

My voice is hoarse from several continuous days of outings. It's been really exhausting, interesting and entertaining but at the same time I know to expect that nothing and no one is permanent in my life right now. This has been somewhat difficult for me to accept because I'm not accustomed to casual or transient relationships but it's not always up to me to decide. Some newer friendships haven't quite measured up and older friends that I'd been ready to let go of have made a comeback. At this rate I honestly can't predict who will still be in life by end of the month, much less the summer or the year...

26 January 2006 - 3 June 2006, strongest around 30 March 2006 and 1 April 2006, Transiting Pluto is Square your Radix Moon's North Node Retrograde

This transit is often associated with the making or breaking of karmic or fated connections. People can come into and go out of your life at this time. Unions you form now may prove to be important in your future. You may be influenced and changed through others - or similarly you could have a powerful influence upon other people. Alternatively, there may be the feeling of being pressured by others. Power struggles can occur now. Under special circumstances, you may farewell someone with some sadness or grief now.

21 February 2006 - 17 May 2006, strongest around 11 March 2006 and 30 April 2006, Transiting Saturn is Square your Radix Venus

This is one of the more challenging transits of Saturn, because it affects your personal connections and love or affection unions by testing their permanence. Relationships that are rocky may not survive this period, whilst those that are essentially stable will endure and become firmer. Whatever the current state of your important relationships, you are advised to keep your feelings in check and to allow your head to rule your heart. If that seems dull and boring, so be it, but it might just be the difference between success and failure in a relationship. This can be a time for commitment or re-commitment in love. It can also be a time of separation or loss.

I'm taking it all in stride, trying not to let it go to my head or alternatively get me down. I'm enjoying this exciting time and appreciating it for what it's worth. It's given me the opportunity to live life in a way I never have before. Things might not turn out exactly the way I want them to but I'm learning to keep my expectations realistic and just take things as they come. As long as I'm aware of the limitations and not taking things too seriously I should emerge from this period unscathed. Nevertheless, I'm looking forward to slightly quieter times (and less but more meaningful connections) to come.

Opportunity Knocks

2006-04-07T15:00:00.000-04:00

I've been suffering from a severe case of writer's block, which partially explains why I haven't blogged in what seems like forever. It's also been relatively quiet on the dating front, though it's a reprieve that I've actually welcomed given that I've been rather preoccupied with thoughts of work lately. Ironically, the creative constipation and dating drought are indirectly related to my work woes. I've yet to finish an article that I'm planning on submitting as part of a job application and the deadline is looming.

I'd been thinking about moving on from my current employer for some time now but still hadn't come across anything that would justify my leaving six years at a well-paying, multi-national corporation behind. I even got that raise that I'd been griping about since last October. I know I was overdue for an increase but I also think it was a strategic decision on the part of management, who've been teasing my department with (as yet unfulfilled) promises of restructuring and new challenges.

It doesn't help that my friends Sandy and Laura are both starting new jobs soon. In fact, we're going out tomorrow night to celebrate. I'm happy for them but I can't help feeling a bit jealous too. Laura was leaving her job at a cosmetics company and actually referred Sandy for the position. You always hear about people getting jobs this way but I've never relied on anyone but myself to get ahead. I find the whole job application and selection process to be somewhat haphazard. The best person for the job doesn't always get it, especially if she didn't know about the vacancy in the first place. Sometimes it's just a matter of being in the right place at the right time. It's unfair but life can be unfair like that.

In the meantime, as I wait and hope for new org announcements, I've put my feelers out and will continue to pursue selected opportunities. I'm a big believer in fate, not insomuch that I'll sit idly by waiting for things to happen to me, but rather that the right door will eventually open for me as long as I make sure I'm already on my feet.

Must Love Dawgs

2006-03-23T13:00:00.000-05:00

I've two dogs.

Bo is the younger, smaller of the two. He's a Poodle/Bichon cross. Bo is hyper, excitable, an attention hog, and therefore often annoying. At the same time he's very affectionate, sensitive, and always wants to be as close to me as possible. Bo comes running when called, follows me to the bathroom, and cuddles with me on the couch. When I'm sad he's right beside me trying to lick my face.

Sam is the older, bigger one. He's a pure Bichon Frise bred from a long line of champion show dogs. Sam is quiet, laid-back, independent, and often mistaken for a throw cushion. He barely stirs when called, unless it's time to eat. Sam ignores Bo (as much as anyone can ignore Bo) and rarely comes to me for affection. Sometimes I wonder whether he loves me at all or just tolerates me for the perks.

Even though I'm (usually) happy for Bo's constant companionship it's Sam's approval I so desperately crave. Bo loves everyone and is easy to win over with a belly rub. Sam is more discriminating, more aloof. Whereas I've almost become oblivious to Bo's persistent demands for attention I'm grateful for any shred of acknowledgement that Sam (so stingily) dishes my way. I'm more patient with Sam, will reign Bo in on the leash to keep pace with Sam's slow waddle instead of vice versa. I'll often go to Sam and crush him in a big hug, holding his wooly body to my chest (while Bo throws a jealous tantrum), only to watch him walk away as soon as I let go. Bo then swoops in, eager to pick up the pieces.

It occured to me that there's a parallel between my relationships with my dogs and those with my men. That is, as much as I appreciate 'Bo' types I prefer 'Sam' types, at least in the attraction stage. Don't get me wrong - I love both my dogs and I know that despite Bo's questionable loyalty and Sam's detached company they both love me, but there's something about Bo's neediness that turns people off. I've noticed my guests offering themselves to Sam and how their eyes light up when he quietly accepts their petting. Sam's got this playing-hard-to-get thing down. Sometimes he'll even sprint off as I'm getting ready to grab him proving that theory that anything you chase will indeed run away.

Sandy mused that her friend Jon, as well as Tim, Pat, The Boy, etc. are all Bo's. I know they like me and while I'm very nice to them I'm just not making too much of an effort, which hasn't seemed to deter any of them. (Kay would be proud of me.) Then there's Blind Date (AKA Hot Hockey Hunk) who's more of a Sam. I'm not pursuing HHH (refer to chase theory above) but I'd sooner drop whatever I'm doing to see him again over anyone else. He's raw, masculine, and totally appealing. A sexually-charged brute with a stick. Probably the dawg of all dogs. I guess women love dawgs the way men love bitches.

It's Raining Men

2006-03-22T10:40:00.000-05:00

Hallelujah. OK, so it's more like a flood of biblical proportions. I'm thrilled, if a little confused. I mean, is it normal for one's social life to be so busy? And why me? Why now? Not to sell myself short or anything - obviously I'm a lovable gal - but it's so extreme that I have to ask myself whether it's happening for a reason. It follows years of loneliness and isolation during which my identity and self-esteem were non-existent. Was this what I was missing all along? Or am I just ready for it now? What am I supposed to learn and take away from these experiences?

The culmination of occurrences last night left me reeling. Sandy was over when at 8:50pm my phone rang. It was Blind Date. (I love that feeling - when you've really given up on someone and they call.) At 9:15 Sandy's friend Jon arrived. I'd met him on Saturday and he'd asked her about me so she invited him to join her at my place. 15 minutes later my phone rang again. It was Tim, a guy with whom I'd had dinner the night before. 20 minutes later my phone rings again! It was (potential stalker) Pat, who I thought I'd gotten rid of for good. I let it go to voicemail. Then just when I thought things couldn't get any more bizarre I got an email from The Boy, whom I hadn't spoken to in a while.

The number of people I've met, particularly in the last few months, has been pretty overwhelming, and there are still others I haven't even mentioned. Clearly not all are prospective boyfriends. I'd even go so far as to say I'm not interested in any romantically but maybe the point is for me to just have fun. Make new friends. Make up for lost time. Gain the confidence I was lacking so that I won't ever get stuck in an unhappy relationship again because I think no one else will love me. Sandy says she doesn't believe I used to live the miserable life I describe. Maybe I deserve this. Hell, I deserve this. I don't know how long it'll last but I'm going to enjoy every minute and not take it for granted cause who knows when the well will suddenly dry up.

Live And Learn

2006-03-20T16:10:00.000-05:00

I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that my Blind Date - both the event and the person - were hot. The bad news is that we had little in common. The good news is that our chemistry more than made up for it. The bad news is that we haven't spoken since. The good news is that I had fun and learned something about myself in the process.

I knew as soon as we met that there was no potential for anything more than a good time, which was had by all, but unlike some girls I know, I realized that I'm just not OK with never hearing from the guy again. A courtesy call. An email. Something. I might still hear from him but it'll be alright if I don't. And I'm certainly not going to bother contacting him. What would be the point? It was (really) fun and we'll leave it at that. No regrets.

Blind Date

2006-03-17T13:50:00.000-05:00

I hope not literally, although he could be cause I know nothing about him other than his name and the fact that he works with my friend MC, who'd shown him my picture and suggested that we hook up. And I've no idea what criteria she used to determine that we might be suited for one another because I haven't talked to her since. He called and asked me out for tonight. I felt it'd be rude to ask for a picture at that point so I just accepted, thinking that I'd manage to reach MC before the date itself. Now here we are, hours away from The Unveiling and she still hasn't gotten back to me.

Reasons I'm giving myself for going on this blind date:

1) I can say I've been on a real blind date.
2) I had nothing better to do tonight.
3) I'll have something to write about tomorrow.
4) He can't be a beast. Why would MC set me up with Moleman?
5) I trust MC who has relatively the same taste in men. (She's married.)
6) He could be a hottie.
7) I can suffer through a drink or two if he's not.
8) He knows what I look like so he's under more pressure than I am.
9) I know where MC lives and can kidnap her children if this turns out to be the date from hell.
10) I've got nothing to lose.

So here goes nothing.

Not In Denial

2006-03-13T09:30:00.000-05:00

I'll tell you what's not happening.
I'm not missing Jay.
I'm not assuming that she's back in town.
I'm not remembering the last time we were together.
I'm not wondering whether he's thought about it too.
I'm not hoping there'll be a next time.
I'm not thinking that he was the best sex I've had in a while.
I'm not waiting for him to call.

Glad we got that cleared up.

You Had Me At Hello

2006-03-11T15:30:00.000-05:00

Sandy came over last night with her friend Deb, whom I'd never met before. I'd guess Deb to be no shorter than 5'8, probably a size 12, and about average in the looks department but you'd never guess it by the way she carried herself. This woman was very confident and all (mostly male) eyes were on her as she strutted down the street. Her particular style kind of screamed Cheap Slut to me but it wasn't her style I admired but her assuredness. It put my own body-image issues into perspective.

As I was locking up my place so we could go for supper I heard some words being exchanged a few feet away. Turns out Deb had seen Penthouse Adonis, the guy upstairs who's married to my secret crush, as he was going into the building and had said 'Hi' to him. "And did he say hi back?" I asked, taken slightly aback by her boldness. Sandy said that he'd not only said hi he'd stopped in his tracks and given Deb a good look first.

Saying hi. To a total stranger. That you think is cute. I was impressed, especially since just earlier that afternoon I'd had A Moment with a guy who was walking by as I was on my street with my dogs. He was very cute and he smiled directly at me and I was too shy to smile back or hold his gaze. Deb was incredulous. Montrealers are generally very friendly. I'm sure all he needed was a little encouragement and I couldn't even give him that.

This was the second time that I shared a moment with a hot stranger. I'm seriously going to try not to let another prospect walk by without at least smiling back. I need to be proactive as opposed to reactive if I ever hope to go out with someone I'm actually interested in.

Call Me

2006-03-10T14:00:00.000-05:00

Pat, that older guy from down the street with whom I had dinner a few weeks ago, left me a third message last night. I know I never should've agreed to go out with him in the first place but I clearly have trouble saying no judging the from the large number of dates I've gone on over the last year with guys I knew weren't my type. I'd initially thought that it was his age (confirmed to be 41) that turned me off but over dinner I realized that that wasn't it as I've been interested in men only slighter younger than him. He just didn't do it for me and so I decided that Pat would go the way of J4 and not be granted a second chance. No more pity dates.

He called back a day later and left a message asking to see me on the weekend. I called back when I knew he wasn't in and left a message saying I was busy ALL weekend, thinking that he'd get the hint (who doesn't have even a moment to spare all weekend?) He called again early this week. I screened and didn't return his call. He called again yesterday evening. I'm sorry but is consistently ignoring and not returning a person's calls not a clear enough indication of disinterest?? I knew a response was in order since I'll probably be running into him in the street before too long so I left him a message this morning apologizing for not getting back to him sooner as I had met someone. There. Tsk. Tsk. I really should learn how to play the Boyfriend Card to avoid getting myself in these situations.

But Pat's "aggressiveness" made me realize this: when I like a guy, I want him to call. I want him to be persistent. I wouldn't want him to wait the requisite 48 hours before calling me. In fact, if I really liked him and thought he liked me I'd be a little insulted if he waited 3 days before calling. Nothing makes a girl so happy as to hear from the guy she likes within 24 hours of a great date. She'll like him even more because of it. Everyone is so concerned with playing this game where you pretend you're not that interested that we've forgotten how good it feels when someone does something really romantic like calling you from the car after you've kissed goodnight. JP did that the first time we went out - called me from a payphone on his walk home to tell me he'd had a great time. I just about died I was so happy.

So here's my advice, to guys in particular: If you like someone (and think they like you) just CALL them as soon as you want to. If they like you they'll be thrilled and if they don't they'll at least be flattered. You can't go wrong. I wasn't into Pat but I still appreciated that he liked me enough to call so soon after our date. (It was the subsequent calls that annoyed me.) I don't know anyone who, if they already liked someone, would stop liking the person and deem them desperate for calling too soon. It tougher than it looks to find someone you're really into who's also into you so why waste time and potentially shoot yourself in the foot by pretending you're not that into each other when you are? We should all be so lucky, right?

Nice 'n Easy

2006-03-09T13:30:00.001-05:00

I just found five grey hairs and promptly pulled them from my scalp. Hmph, who'm I kidding? They weren't grey, they were snow white, y'all. Growing old gracefully? I think not. The descent into senility begins.

Tattoos

2006-03-08T18:20:00.000-05:00

I'd never wanted one before but perhaps it was more a matter of never seeing one that I liked enough to put on my own body. I've never been a fan of the flowering vines, butterflies or dragonflies that were so popular at one time. And, to be honest, I'd always considered my pain threshold to be childishly low until I was told otherwise during routine brazilian waxing sessions. I suppose if I can voluntarily grit my teeth through that a dozen or so times a year I can probably handle a tattoo needle. Maybe. Or maybe I'll just have to smoke a bag of weed before my appointment.

Jay described it more as discomfort, like pushing on a bruise, than pain but this was coming from a guy who likes to poke his bruises on purpose. Incidentally, Jay's tattoos are the nicest ones I've ever seen. They're very detailed and look like they've been airbrushed on. He suggested I visit his tattoo artist who just happens to work right around the corner. I've been advised to stick to fleshy areas and stay away from bony ones like ankles and fingers as these will hurt a lot more. Whichever region I choose I'd best be prepared to see my plan through to the very end. The last thing I want is to wimp out with only part of an outline complete. Once you start there ain't no goin' back.

Given my deep interest in astrology I've tentatively decided on the Virgo glyph:

And, if I can handle the pain I'll also like to acknowledge my Chinese Astrological counterpart (1978: Year of the Horse):

I assume that the horse head, because it is more intricate with a larger inked area, will be the more painstaking and thus painful of the two so even though I love it it might not be the best idea to start with this one. Anyway, Sandy and I are probably going to go and get tattooed together and since she's a Virgo too I think we're both going with the glyph. I think it'll be nice to be reminded of our experience together every time we look at it. It'll be our rite of passage.

The only questions that remain are where to get the tattoo(s) and in what color(s)? I think I'd like to get one on the back of my shoulder but not sure which image would look better there. I am open to suggestions as to a second location. I've heard that tattoos below the small of your back, sometimes referred to as "bookmarks", are now considered slutty/skanky when they used to be seen as sexy. So which is it, guys and gals? Sexy or slutty?

There are some choices color-wise as well. I think a black glyph would be fine since there's not much shading, and later fading, involved. The horse head might look nice in brown or red.

Not sure when or if Sandy and I are going to go through with this but if we do it'll probably have to be soon since we'll need to give our body art time to heal before summer's big reveal. I think I'm ready but if I think about it too long I might just chicken out (cause of the pain not the permanence) so maybe the best thing to do would be to Just Do It.

Love Hurts

2006-03-02T13:35:00.000-05:00

But does it have to? I'd forgotten just how hard it is to break up with (someone you think is) the love of your life. In fact, "break up" probably isn't the right word for anything beyond a casual relationship. "Sever" or "amputate" may be more appropriate if it is to reflect the physical pain you feel after it's all said and done, not to mention the emotional anguish when you realize he's really gone even though he still feels a part of you like some kind of ghost limb.

I remember all of Mac's and my failed breakups throughout the years. I remember how my heart physically hurt in my chest every time, how desperate and alone I felt even though I often felt the same way when we were together. It's funny how you can be miserable in a relationship and long for it to end yet almost immediately after a breakup forget why you broke up in the first place, which inevitably leads to a - sometimes reluctant - reconciliation. When you stop wanting to be with someone and instead just wish it were easier to be without him you know it's time to move on.

Romantic fools, myself included, think that our love must somehow be truer if we can't live with or without someone. Suicidal thoughts must mean that you really love someone, right? Fighting like animals but then fucking like them could be true love, couldn't it? Passionately loving someone is the only way I want to love but I really believe now that passion can exist without pain. I don't think suffering lends any authenticity or necessarily adds any depth to a relationship. When I listen to Kay crying for the millionth time over Jake I think to myself and have repeated to her: he can't possibly be The One for you. No one should have to suffer like this for "love". If anything perpetual pain cheapens love.

I try not to take sides. I don't think Jake's The One for Kay simply because he's the cause of so much pain, not because he's a bad person. And I think she's unhappy because of her own insecurities, which Jake exacerbates, sometimes through no fault of his own, but it's not fair to make him suffer too because she doesn't feel secure enough with him but is scared to leave him. You can't mistake cowardice for love.

I often think about the events that led up to my emancipation. It was nothing unusual, in fact it was much the same thing. The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, if you will, but I can't tell Kay how to do it because I stayed in my relationship almost 4 years longer than the point she's at right now. I hope it doesn't take her that long but it might cause it's not over till it's over. Every time I'd tried to leave the pain would bring me back but there was no pain this last time. It just made sense. It was a moment of clarity. I wasn't willing to wait anymore to see where the relationship could go or whether I'd even be happy when and if it ever got there. I remember thinking that I finally had the power to live my life instead of feeling like I was just a character in someone else's tragedy.

Kay and Jake have just broken up again. They had another one of their fights and broke up and as usual she thinks this time it'll stick. I know it won't but understand that she can't see it from where she's standing. I know that as long as they've been together and as much as they "love" one another they can't permanently break up because of some silly fight. The anger'll subside in an instant and just as quickly they'll be back together. If she really wants this to be over, and I think in her heart she does, she needs to make a conscious decision - no, a commitment - and just say: Enough is enough. This just isn't working anymore, as much as we want it to. I'm tired to hurting and tired of hurting you. I do love you. I'll probably always love you but I need this chapter of my life to be over. Thanks for the memories.

Yup, just like that.

I've Lost My Mojo

2006-02-28T13:10:00.000-05:00

My blogging mojo, that is. I just didn't want to bore what little audience I had left with more tales from the dating crypt - as entertaining as some have been - without some kind of lesson learned. Every time I was about to sit down and bang out a post I'd go out and have another story or anecdote to tell so I kept banking them up and now I don't know where to begin or end.

My pal Yellow Gal recently pondered the merits of younger men. I admit that I too tend to judge them very harshly, even though I just met two 23 year olds who were more mature and well-traveled than their more-weathered counterparts. At the same time they are sweet and a little unsure of themselves. In short, rather refreshing. 23 isn't that young anyway, relatively speaking. It's not like I'm 23 and he's 18. So I've decided to give Boy Toy #2 a shot at wooing me.

In contrast, one of my neighbors stopped by to ask me out the other night. He's probably about 43 and had been flirting with me for the last year. Actually, I'd been having a hard time seeing him "that way" since I'd never dated anyone that much older and was surprised that he finally got up the nerve to ask me out. I agreed to have dinner with him tomorrow night.

A friend of mine pointed out that this man will be the third guy on my block to ask me out. Awkward. I can't leave my place without bumping into someone. I met a lot of people last year and 2006 has been absolutely frenzied so far, thanks in part to some matchmaker friends. I've put a few prospects on stand-by as I evaluate my current candidates, thereby ensuring that I'll not be going through a dry spell anytime soon. Talk about putting the Man in Management.

Jay and I saw one another again. I still think the risk is low of any romantic feelings developing, though its normal for there to be some emotions involved. He doesn't ask me about the other people in my life and I don't either. I plan on reverting to our platonic friendship once his wannabe-girlfriend comes back in a few weeks. She's in love with him even though she knows he's doesn't want a relationship. Don't want to get in the middle of that. Or am I already there?

Job "No. 2"

2006-02-24T13:00:00.000-05:00

Unlimited earning potential - in case I ever needed to supplement my income. And you thought your job was shitty.

The More Things Change...

2006-02-23T00:30:00.000-05:00

Romantic Semantics...

Who knows?

How To Get Laid Today

2006-02-20T23:00:00.000-05:00

In response to a previous post I jokingly mentioned a book I'd come across on Amazon called The System: How To Get Laid Today! Lo and behold, I was over at a friend's yesterday evening and found this exact book lying on the table right in front of me. It was such a coincidence I almost didn't believe that it was the same one but indeed it was. My friend's (male) cousin had suggested she read it to possibly help her identify and avoid Players. I borrowed and read the book and found it quite amusing, actually agreeing with some of the points raised.

"The System provides specific instructions and examples of how to laid today. Within these pages you'll learn how to identify girls who are ready and willing to go home with you right NOW, how to meet them, and how to close the deal within minutes of meeting these girls...The trick is to pick the right girl and then follow the correct process to get that girl home and in bed."

So it isn't about how to get any girl but rather learning how to read a girl's signals, identifying the one who's into you, and confidently making your move. I think two of the most common mistakes guys make are 1)They go after women who are not interested in them 2)They don't recognize when a woman is interested and fail to make a move. This harks back to this post where I complain about this problem. Monkeylogique commented: "however obvious women think they are about the signals they send, they are simply usually *NOT* obvious enough. You must SPELL OUT your interest SO clearly that it will be obvious to the blind." I'm sorry but having to do that is a major turnoff. When a girl is sending a guy obvious signals that she's into him and he still isn't sure that translates into being "unsure of self" or lack of confidence and it's Game Over.

"Women communicate largely through body language and they expect men to understand their wants and needs without verbalizing them. Women believe when they give out these signals a confident, experienced man will take the appropriate actions. They expect this of men and will always choose the more confident man over the one who lacks confidence."

Definitely agree with this. I don't have time for some bewildered Boy whose hand I have to hold and guide through the motions.

Men also assume that some women are "good girls" who would never put out on the first date. The book's author writes:

"Every girl is a good girl, and every girl will put out on the first date given the right conditions, if she thinks you're the right guy, and your timing is right. Bad girls are just good girls with bad boys. You just have to be the man who can help her express that side of her nature."

No one I know goes out looking specifically for a one-night-stand but they've all had them at some point. It does depend on the circumstances and it is possible.

Overall, it was a fun read with some admittedly useful tips. The book isn't about getting women into bed by tricking them into thinking you want a relationship when all you want is to get laid. It's about identifying that 1% of women at any given moment who are open to the idea of sleeping with someone they just met and are interested in that someone. You're basically trying to sell a car to someone who's already looking to buy a car. If she's willing to take a test drive it's up to you to close the deal!

Becoming Asian Savvy

2006-02-17T16:30:00.001-05:00

"Dating Asians" is the bible for dating Asians successfully. Asians are very different from Occidentals! And there are different types of Asians based on where they were born and raised. Each Asian group will have their own cultural traits and perspective on life. However, after reading this book, you will find that most Asians can actually be quite predictable.

"Dating Asians" analyzes common misconceptions and offers various ways to impress Asian people so that they will be accepting of you right away. These valuable insights can prevent you from making a buffoon of yourself; Asians call it "saving face". "Dating Asians" provides you with shortcuts to aid your understanding of the major Asian cultures. It will help you to easily become Asian-savvy.

If you have little or no experience dating Asians, this book will show you where to find them, what to do, what not to do, and what to expect. If you already have experience dating Asians, please read this book several times, as it will help you examine what you shouldn't have done, versus what you could have done right, the first time.

Size Matters

2006-02-17T10:00:00.001-05:00

Sure, it's not what he has it's what he does with it, but if the sorry sight of his shriveled vienna sausage permanently quells all desire to have him approach you with it it won't do much good, now will it?

How To Attract Asian Women

2006-02-15T23:00:00.000-05:00

Don't ask me how but I stumbled upon this book on Amazon, a five-star must-read according to the following reader review:

Me Love You Long Time

Having dated many Asian girls in Bangkok a half hour at a time for reasonable rates, I was very excited when I ordered this book. This book is filled with good tips for Whitey. I really dig Asian babes and their tiny hands, but I've never been very successful at banging them without paying for it. I learned a lot. For example, not all Asian chicks are so horny. Sorry guys. They can't all fry rice, but some can. They don't all know kung fu, but they're all pretty good at math so there's some tradeoff there. I feel I will be able to relate to my future mail order bride much better now having digested all this valuable advice. Bottom line - get this book and get more Asian chicks without the hassle and expense of a trip to Bangkok.

Well done.

Friends With Benefits

2006-02-13T15:00:00.000-05:00

I've been hanging out a lot with my ex Jay lately. Since that evening in November the tension between us has been building slowly and steadily. Considering the number of platonic sleepovers we've had in the last three months I'm surprised it took this long for something to happen. I was slightly worried that it'd be awkward between us given that we hadn't been together since like, 1994, but it wasn't the case at all.

It's nice that Jay and I we have this history together, are still attracted to one another, and can occasionally be "affectionate" without either of us wanting to date the other, though neither is dating anyone seriously at the moment. I'm better able to recognize and accept this for what it is now than I would've a few years ago, with anyone else, or under any other circumstance. I'm sure any of Jay's groupies would gladly change places with me but when I look at him I still see the boy I dated in high scool. I'm unimpressed by his rock star image. Maybe that's part of my allure.

In other news I met the most gorgeous boy over the weekend. A very Abercrombie & Fitch type who I thought was totally out of my league. Even though I was with my two billowy blond bombshell friends he and I paired off right away. And you know the victory tasted sweeter cause my girlfriends couldn't stop drooling over him. Oh, and he was barely 23 (does that make me a Cougar?) but very sweet, successful, and mature. What a weekend. I feel like I've been through a marathon, which, ahem, I guess in some ways I have. When it rains it pours, Kay said. Amen to that!

Being in a relationship for so long it's normal for one to doubt one's charm and attractiveness. It's funny that being single can actually boost one's self-esteem. Granted the people I've met haven't been, in my opinion, boyfriend material but they've been great place holders until I decide I'm ready and/or the right one comes along. Who needs Joy Toyz? Abercrombie Boy-Toyz in single file please.

Good Night And Good Luck

2006-02-10T12:45:00.000-05:00

Sandy told me that when she stays over at her best Friend's house the Friend won't sleep in the same bed with her. "I can't sleep with someone beside me," her Friend explained. Sandy reminded her that she would have to start getting used to it as the Friend was about to move in with her boyfriend. "Oh. Well...That's different," was the Friend's lame reply. Sandy was offended. "I don't get it," she said to me. I didn't either but I do now. Sandy's a snorer.

Now I don't know whether that's the same/real reason for the Friend's refusal but there's a good possibility it is because I sadly got no more than two hours of shut-eye the whole night. In the wee hours of the morning I decided to discreetly put on a CD hoping it would muffle Sandy's snoring. I was relieved when a few minutes later she stopped, and I was just starting to mercifully drift off when she suddenly asked, "Would you mind turning off the music?" Damn. So close. "Um, I can't sleep," I said tentatively, as I hit the Power button. "Me neither," she agreed, "I'm drifting in and out." Well, she was certainly drifting more In than Out as far as I was concerned but of course I couldn't say this and hurt her feelings, especially over something she couldn't control.

Sandy's a great girl, one of the sweetest people I've met, and our evening was a hoot but she probably won't be spending the night again any time soon. Not unless I get a cot or pull-out couch for the living room. My excuse for banishing her to the dungeon? I'll just tell her that I simply cannot sleep without music and I know she can't sleep with it. The classic It's-Not-You-It's-Me excuse. I never thought I'd have to use it on another girl but desperate times call for desperate measures!

Slumber Party

2006-02-09T13:00:00.000-05:00

My friend Sandy is staying over tonight. We're going to talk about boys, bake cookies, have pillow fights, and finally satisfy our bi-curiosity. Is this really what horny males imagine happens at a slumber party? Actually, we're going to drink, smoke and swear like sailors and probably pass out on the sofa. Oh, and talk about boys, of course. Let the good times roll.

Carol

2006-02-07T18:20:00.000-05:00

My friend Carol and I had brunch over the weekend. Our parents were and are still friends so we've known each other for years but were only close until I was about 14. We got back in touch last year after I moved into the neighborhood. Although she lives right around the corner, we don't hang out that often. Not that I wouldn't like to but I've never been very good at turning casual acquaintances into close friends. Something to do with not wanting to force my frienship on anyone. I'm insecure like that.

Anyway, Carol was one of these petite, cherubic kids that blossomed into quite an exotic (yet still slightly chubby-cheeked) beauty, though she looks so youthful (could it be the cheeks?) you'd think she was no older than 20 instead of the 26 years she's about to turn in two weeks. Every time I've seen her in the last year she's looked impeccable and this last time was no exception. Always very chic, even in casual wear. If she wasn't so sweet I'd probably be insanely jealous, instead I'm just a tad envious.

I say a tad because poor Carol's mother is arguably the meanest mom ever. She was physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive to Carol when we were growing up, which I and our friends too often had the horror of witnessing. It was like her mom took pleasure in humiliating her in front of others. Since Carol moved out I don't think her mom beats her anymore but the other forms of abuse sadly continue. Rarely does one encounter someone that one would characterize as mean-spirited but Carol's mother is definitely one of them. Bitter, vindictive and ruthless, she is. Pure evil.

A few years ago, having not seeing me for many years, I saw Carol's mom and stepdad at my father's retirement party. Her mother told me how pretty I'd become (a compliment that surprised me) only to lean in a moment later and whisper, "...cause you know, you were not pretty as a child. Not at all. Not like now..." Gee, thanks, you withered old bag.

Through no fault of her own Carol and her mom are currently not on speaking terms, which I think is not entirely a bad thing. She tries way too hard to get along with her mom, an impossible feat if you ask me. Because her mom has severed all ties with other family members Carol, who's an only child, has no other biological family around. She tries to keep in touch with her stepdad but her mother always makes her feel like a traitor for doing so, so the closest Carol has to family is her live-in boyfriend of over 5 years, who she says is fantastic. Thank God for that.

Carol was so sad over brunch. I can understand why it'd be difficult to cut her mom permanently out of her life but I really think the woman is incorrigible. Maybe she should give up on pursuing a real relationship rather than continuing to endure this unending cycle of abuse. She said her mother's eventual passing will bring about both sadness and relief to finally be rid of this cruel woman whom she felt/knew/was told she could never satisfy. Listening to Carol's problems always puts my own issues into perspective. No matter what I went through I know my parents love me to death and never meant for their marital difficulties to affect me the way they did.

I offered to have Carol over to my place for her birthday. I'm going to cook her a meal and we'll spend some quality time together. I'm also going to make an effort to call and invite her out more often. She lives a few minutes away so there's really no excuse. My own sister and I are very close and our relationship is invaluable to me. Carol and I may not be family but I can certainly be a better friend.

Oh Father

2006-02-01T16:00:00.000-05:00

Oh Father, you never wanted to live that way
you never wanted to hurt me
Why am I running away?

Maybe someday
When I look back I'll be able to say
You didn't mean to be cruel
Somebody hurt you too

My sister called me in a total panic early today, rousing me from my slumber. Apparently my Father suffered a mild stroke last night and was in the hospital this morning. She was ready to leave the office and fly to his bedside. I felt surprisingly calm (numb?). I heard the worry in her voice and was glad that of the two of us she was Daddy's Girl. He had cried (cried!) at her wedding. I remember wondering whether he would cry at mine. I wondered now who would give me away when it was my turn if he died.

My Father's back home, alright for the time being. Regained his speech and mobility. He has followup tests scheduled over the next few days. I went over to see him at lunchtime.

"Hi, Dad. What happened?"

"I almost died last night."

I looked at the frail, grey, old man lying in bed. How could I have been so afraid of this man growing up? He may be old but he's still a firecracker, I reminded myself. I guess I'm still wary. Still angry. But I'm trying. I'll never forget but I'm trying hard to forgive. With time my hardened heart has softened.

I laid a hand on his arm. The only form of touch between us in about two decades. As usual, it felt unnatural but I didn't pull away.

"Well...you're still young. Don't die on me just yet..." He was amused.

It was wierd...In my mind I couldn't equate the man in front of me to the man I knew. How did he age so much while I wasn't looking? What was he like as a young man? He actually started to tell me stories of his youth and he has written a few short stories in our native tongue. I get my love of writing from him. We talk more now than ever before. Ironically I find it easier to talk to him than my mother. But we never talk about the pain of our past. I'm too much of a coward. It's difficult to think that I'll have to say goodbye to him someday, maybe soon. I know I'll cry then, shedding bitter tears for all the things I could never say, all the questions for which there'll be no answers.

Rejection 101

2006-01-31T15:55:00.000-05:00

I went on my date with Jason #4, heretofore referred to as J4, over the weekend. (We were supposed to go out the previous week but he'd postponed due to illness.) I didn't even really want to go but felt I owed it to our matchmaker to at least meet J4. He was very inoffensive on our date - didn't break a single one of my first date Rules - but once again no sparks. Although I had a nice time I probably wouldn't bother with a second date. Which brings about my next question...

How do I politely decline his request for a second date? He emailed me yesterday asking if I was free this coming weekend. He's very nice but I'd rather not lead him astray by going out with him again and I'm not really interested in just being friends. How do I let him down without excessively hurting his feelings or bruising his ego? People always say that they prefer the straight dope when someone isn't into them but no one ever provides examples of the right thing to say. Is there a class out there I can take? A manual I can consult? A list of excuses I can refer to? Maybe it's time to start my own list...

Affirmation

2006-01-30T12:10:00.000-05:00

In case anyone was wondering, I'm perfectly happy with my life at the moment. I may occasionally bitch and complain about this or that but the truth is I'm thrilled to have something to complain about. At the tender age of 27 I have a LIFE for the first time, answering to no one but myself, so excuse me if I'm not in a hurry to get to the alter or delivery room just yet. It annoys me that people feel they can judge me without knowing what I've been through, how I got here, and where I know I'm headed.

I was the baby of the family so my parents, who are older and thus more old-fashioned than most, were very strict with me. I was a good kid and kept my nose clean (except for the year I was 15 when I had my parents regretting they hadn't stopped at 3 children). With a little creativity I did manage to get periodic and short-lived tastes of freedom, including the time I spent abroad as a student when I was 21. But otherwise I basically went from living with my Father to living with my Boyfriend, both of whom were overly protective of me.

I've been responsible my whole fucking life, working my way through university and moving to Toronto right after graduation to work and be with my then-boyfriend. I brought home the bacon and fried it up in the pan every day for both of us, paying for everything from the apartment to the cars to the vacations we took. I was in love and didn't want to spend my time with anyone but him so making friends was not a priority, however I did adopt two dogs that I alone cared for. Needless to say it was a fatiguing lonely time.

Then somehow I got a cosmic break. A window of opportunity cracked open momentarily and, buoyed by a sudden surge of confidence and a good dose of desperation, I took the leap and rid myself of 135 pounds of dead weight. I knew I'd be OK. In fact, I'm better than OK. I'm happier than I've ever been. I come and go as I please. Answer to no one. Do whatever and whoever I want. I haven't shed a sad tear all year. If I threw a party I'd actually have people to invite. I'm having fun dating (boys like me, they really like me!). Surrounded by family who would do anything for me. All the while earning a living from my lovely home, paying bills, voting, recycling, and saving for a rainy day. It doesn't get any better than this.

I control my life. It doesn't control me. Finally. If I'm here it's because I want to be here doing what I'm doing for as long as I consciously choose to do it. I can tell you it has been one year, one month, and counting. I'm fully aware that my time is fleeting. I'm not 21 anymore nor am I trying to live as though I were. I'm just trying to do whatever makes ME happy right now, while there's only me to worry about. I expect to get married and have kids as much as the next person and I know it can happen in an instant so why not cut me some slack and allow me to enjoy this brief reprieve before I voluntarily step back into the cyclone?

I've come under fire recently from people who really don't know what they're talking about, who will never in their entire lives pull off what I can in a single year. I will do my best to not let these bitter jealous people take the wind from my sails when I know I've earned this holiday. I'm sure they'd like nothing more than to see me miserable, married and mother to three screaming tots. And I'm OK knowing that I will be (minus the miserable) someday, probably soon. But not yet. Not yet.

Pre-emptive Strike

2006-01-27T12:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my neighbor Claus invited me to the launch of a book that he and his live-in girlfriend Lise co-edited, featuring stories of "raunchy sex, heartbreaking romance, and strange fantasies." I don't know what's more disturbing, the thought of Claus and Lise talking about "raunchy sex", engaging in it, or (shudder) both. Apparently they're both published writers of short fiction. Erotica, people, Erotica! I never woulda guessed it, they're so unassuming.

The book launch is taking place a day after my friend's Joy Toyz Party, which is like a Tupperware party but for today's naughty Independent Woman (the shoes on my feet, I bought it, the clothes I'm wearin' I bought it, the rock I'm wearin' I bought it, cause I depend on me). I've invited three of my own girlfriends to "come along". Toyz. No Boyz. Watch this space for pictures and video clips of our wild night. Yeah, right.

Both of these events are strategically scheduled in the days preceeding Valentine's Day 2006. The logic here is that armed with a Hitachi Magic Wand and a copy of erotic short fiction us single gals should be able to happily "ride out" this dreaded holiday sans hommes, giving the V in V-Day a whole new meaning.

Me Tarzan, You Jane

2006-01-25T14:00:00.000-05:00

How can men be such p*ssies without actually having 'em? Pardon my french but the male species have been the cause of major frustration lately. I often feel like I'm back in high school where the men are still boys and as boys are incapable of making any kind of bold move. And by "move" I mean anything from the simple act of calling a girl, to asking her out, to (good heavens!) kissing her at the end of the evening, and beyond. This passivity is maddening.

I think the Guy Who Makes The First Move is quickly becoming extinct and is being replaced by the Guy Who Waits For You To Make A Move or the Guy of the Half-Assed Moves, neither of whom I find particularly desirable. Look, I totally sympathize with the Fear Of Rejection but confidence is a very sexy and increasingly rare quality. Anyway it seems men are unable to make a move even when the women are - as far as we're concerned - obviously receptive. Shy can be sweet for a while, and then it just plain sucks.

I can honestly say that I've had to make the first move (and practically all subsequent moves) with the last five guys I've dated, even when it was clear that they liked me. This includes the policeman who could carry a loaded gun everyday but couldn't summon up the courage to kiss me. I'm not suggesting men go out and club women over the head and drag them unconscious to their caves but I personally find a well-timed brutish move kinda hot. I wish one or two of the guys currently hovering uncertainly around me would just swing by on a vine and whisk me off into the trees.

Gadar

2006-01-23T12:06:00.000-05:00

I'm a pretty touchy-feely person. Growing up the youngest of four I was the recipient of many cuddles and kisses from family members. I grew up thinking it was a normal way to express our genuine affection for one another and I make it a point to smother my own (4) nephews and (2) nieces in hugs and kisses whenever I see them. Let me tell ya, it's as nice to give affection as it is to receive it and as far as I'm concerned we don't do it enough on a daily basis.

When did we become so deathly afraid of touch? It seems we've become accepting, even desensitized, to sex on TV and today's generation is indeed more aware of their sexuality but what about the simple act of hugging someone or being close to them? I guess geography and culture is partly to blame. It's not a myth that the idea of "personal space" is not as important in, say, latin countries as it is in western ones. I've seen the ground around public telephones marked to remind people to keep their distance. I find this sad somehow.

I recall the exact moment I realized I had to behave differently with friends than I did with family. In 7th grade I kissed my best friend on the cheek while she was sleeping and turned around to a chorus of, "Ewwww! Lesbian! Lesbian!" from the other girls. I learned very quickly that hugs were acceptable but kisses far less so. Nevetheless as we got older the hugs we used to exchange with some frequency as teenagers have become two-cheeked "air" kisses. What's next? A tilt of the head from across the room?

I love an occasional platonic snuggle with a male buddy that I really care about. I would liken the way I feel about some close friends to my affection for a sibling or relative. It's cool if there's a vibe too, enough to make it interesting but weak enough that it's not really an issue. I think maybe I need a gay friend. That way, we can both cuddle to our hearts content without worrying about what it "means". My sister adores her gay pal, Will, and my friend Sandy has Manu. Now how to go about finding one of my very own...

Meli Melo

2006-01-19T11:35:00.000-05:00

I don't have anything specific in mind for this post so I thought I'd just write a bit about whatever comes to mind...

First off, it's Anne's birthday today so JOYEUSE ANNIVERSAIRE, girl, and I'll see you on Saturday night. (Anne's having a party at her "ghetto pad". Sounds like fun, looking forward to it!)

Last Saturday night I went with some friends to Unity, a gay bar in the Village. The patrons were 99.9% male (homosexual, obviously) and sizzling hot. Most were very masculine and not stereotypically gay. They were tanned, toned, topless, and totally uninterested. I didn't take it personally :) I danced until the bottoms of my feet were burning. After closing we went and had some (cold, congealed) pizza from a dive across the street, which I suspect to be the source of the food poisoning that plagued me for the 2 days following. What a nightmare. I still haven't been able to eat a solid meal since.

It was amid bouts of nausea (heart-burn, in-di-ges-tion, up-set sto-mach, dia-rrhea. Hey, Pepto-Bismol!) that I found out about The Boy's extracurricular activities and subsequently broke up with him. Latest on him: he sent me a very long, romantic email asking for forgiveness and a second chance. I said Oui to the first part but Non to the second. I feel really good about my decision and I'm glad things ended on a more positive note. I'd like to be friends but not sure if he'd go along with that.

I spent Tuesday night at Jay's house (of the infamous Roommate Sex episode) as the street became covered in a sheet of ice and it was too dangerous to attempt the drive home. Thankfully Matt was sans ho this time. Jay told me how much he hated it that I'd met J. Turns out they used to be buddies until J "stole" Jay's girlfriend years ago. Jay thinks that by cavorting with me J's stickin' it to him again since I am, technically, also one of his ex-girlfriends. I reassured him that there was nothing going on between me and J, at least not recently.

Speaking of J...Things have been (frustratingly) platonic the last few times we've seen one another. He just ended a long term relationship a few months ago so I understand. We do lots of talking and smoking, which is cool, however it'd be more bearable if he were a little less cute. He's sending some mixed signals but I read in an article recently that this isn't a bad thing:

Mixed signals are, for the most part, a good sign. They mean a guy is unsure, either of whether or not he likes you, or how to go about letting you know he digs you. The fact of the matter is that either one of these options are good. Most men will drop you like a bad habit if they aren´t into you. Most men won´t stick around if they do not see some sort of future value, some prospect. This holds true for even the kind, generous, or shy men; a waste of time is a waste of time, and most people don´t walk that route.

True or not?

Finally, I have a date with yet another Jason this weekend. (I met 4 Jason's last year, 3 of which have last names starting with W and the other with a V, only one letter away! Freaky.) Our mutual friend thought we'd get along so we're going to play pool and have a few drinks. Should be a fun outing though I'm not expecting a love connection. Discouraged much?

A Girl Has Got To Have Her Priorities

2006-01-16T20:20:00.000-05:00

I broke up with The Boy this weekend. I was actually going to tough it out for a while longer but something occured that precipitated my decision. I found out that he'd signed up for an online dating account - around the time when I first told him about my doubts - all the while telling me not to give up on "us". While I do believe he liked me it sucked knowing that he was getting a head start on finding a replacement in case things didn't go his way. Caught like a deer in the headlights, not only did he initially deny it when I confronted him, he became defensive when he finally did admit to it. The way he reacted and retaliated was what put the final nail into the coffin.

I feel somewhat relieved now that it's over. Contrary to The Boy's accusation, I didn't need a reason (other than the fact that I wasn't that into him) to end things, though this indiscretion was discovered at an opportune time. Frankly, I was surprised and hurt by his reaction, though I understand his natural Fight versus Flight choice. If he'd been apologetic or remorseful I would've at least forgiven him before sending him on his way. But now all I am is glad that I didn't stick around cause who knows how long he would've been shopping around behind my back while lying to my face. I realize that I'm not entirely innocent in this case but I wasn't the one making (false?) declarations of love.

The ease of online dating is both an advantage and a pitfall. Ideally you want to meet someone who, like you, has only met a few (ie: < 5/yr) people online and is not some kind of cyber-slut/skank. However, it's inevitable that you'll encounter those who are less discriminating and more active. I don't particularly like knowing that I am so dispensable and I don't think my dates would either so I am careful to keep my "number" respectfully conservative. But I think I've had it with this method, at least for a while. I've actually met quite a few people by other means so I don't feel bad relegating Online Dating to the bottom of the How To Meet People list.

Ah well, it was fun while it lasted. The good news is that I'll have new material for my blog, right? In the end it's all about the blog, baby.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

2006-01-11T15:10:00.000-05:00

But alas, I think it has to be done, and sooner than later. Fortunately, it won't be coming completely out of left field. I told The Boy recently that I feel there's no spark and that things just don't feel right to me. On paper and in practice we are a total match, which is why breaking up seems so foolish and difficult. There would be few foreseeable problems in our relationship, so right are we for one another. But the physical attraction, the electricity, is just not there and as far as I'm concerned that's the deal breaker. It never really was there to begin with, though I tried to tell myself otherwise, but it's actually died even further in the last few weeks. No sense in beating a dead horse, as they say.

On the flip side, I saw J again and it's safe to say that I don't see a future for us even though the physical chemistry was off the charts. We are from different sides of the tracks, have completely different views on the world, different approaches, different interpretations and different ways of communicating. That is, I analyze, rationalize and verbalize and he's more of a laid back quiet dreamer. I never know what he's thinking and it drives me crazy. There'd be no end to the fights and misunderstandings we'd have. I knew all this going in. Astrologically speaking J and I are opposite signs and it's completely obvious. It's so clear that we'd never have a chance that I can't even be disappointed. We may end up being friends, which would be fine with me. Guess I'll find out when I see him tomorrow night.

In a matter of weeks I experienced two extremes: intense intellectual/emotional bond but little physical chemistry and strong sexual attraction but weak mental compatibility. Neither of which are the makings of a solid relationship (though I'll take passion over companionship any day). And so it's back to the drawing board with much enthusiasm. My experiences with J and The Boy showed me that I'm not ready to give up my independence just yet, especially not for someone I'm not super excited about. I'm even letting my friend Sandy set me up with some Vietnamese guy she knows. He sounds surprisingly cool and she thinks we'd really get along. I'd normally refuse but Sandy is great and I trust her so I'm going to be open-minded about this. Who knows? Maybe it'll work out but I daren't breathe a word to my parents. They'll be printing up wedding invitations before you know it.

As If Things Weren't Complicated Enough...

2006-01-07T18:40:00.000-05:00

Talk about things happening when you least expect them to...I met someone really interesting last night. (How did I suddenly go from dismally few prospects to this? I swear I'm no ho, yo!!) Drew's flying back to BC today so I joined the gang last night for a Farewell party. There I met J, someone Drew's known and talked about for the last ten years so it was nice to finally put a (very cute) face to a name. We fell into conversation and hit it off almost immediately. Sparks were definitely flying. This is what it's supposed to be like, I thought.

All I'm going to say is that we had a really nice time and got to spend some time alone together. I'd really like to see him again and hope to hear from him soon. Drew called this morning to tell me that J had sent him a text message after I left last night saying, "Cat's great. Thanks, man." I was tickled pink to hear that but it could be meaningless. Since then I've been walking around in a daze, with a stupid grin plastered on my face, thinking about last night.

I'm not sure what's going to happen with The Boy who I do care about and who I'm supposed to see tomorrow. At this point I'm not expected to choose or anything because J and I aren't even dating and who knows whether we ever will. Even if we did, I don't know how successful we'd be. The Boy and I have much more in common and are more suited to one another but unfortunately the chemistry isn't quite right. I wish I was as excited about The Boy as I am about J. It was nothing J did or didn't do or how he looked or didn't look. It was just so.

As interested as I am in dating J I dread hearing that he feels the same way because that means I'll have to make a decision. I'm pretty sure I know what I want but as sure of myself as I think I am I'm terrified of making the wrong choice. Another part of me is hoping that I won't hear from J again so that I don't have to hurt The Boy. For now, I'll do my best to forget about J. It's way too early to see him as a real threat anyway, right?

(Meant) To Be Or Not To Be?

2006-01-06T17:15:00.000-05:00

This whole business with the voicemail is driving me crazy. Now I kinda regret deleting my message. I'm pretty sure he didn't hear it but it's unlikely that his roommate will remember enough or anything about it to tip him off as to the caller's identity. Even if he thinks it might be me he probably wouldn't call unless he was sure and there's no way he could be sure after our 3 month hiatus.

My Best Friend, the perpetual drama queen, thinks he and I are meant to be because of the whole password fiasco. I have to admit it's pretty freaky. I thought it was a sign to mean that I should never have left the message in the first place and to forget about him for good. Best Friend thinks I was meant to actually speak to him and is trying to convince me to call again but I don't think I can. I can't believe I psyched myself up to call him and leave a message only to erase it and end up right back where I started.

I can understand Best Friend's encouragement. She's a romantic and a big believer in gut feelings. She knows how much I was and still am into him. When I was with him I was definitely hoping for a future together. It's not a good sign that I'm living only in the moment with The Boy. See, I inevitably lose interest in guys that I'm not instantly crazy about. I may go out with them for a while because they're so nice/hot/into me but sooner than later I get that "Ew, gross" feeling that signals that the end is near. I don't want to have to feel that for The Boy. To be honest I already find some of his quirks rather trying.

People always tell you to trust your gut and follow your heart. I think I know what I feel, or rather don't feel. I think I'm pretty self-aware. Drew and Nat have 5 happy years together and apparently it wasn't love at first sight. But what worked for them might not work for me. The ones with whom I've been madly in love with didn't always love me madly back but that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with my method. It's just a matter of finding someone who's going to be just as crazy about me as I am about them. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Carol has been with her boyfriend Micha for over 5 years. She loves him, he's great, he adores her, they get along, the sex is good. He's husband material and they're probably going to get married. But she's cheated on him several times in the past with Alex. She reasoned that she'd never dump Micha for Alex, that Micha is The One. I know he can't possibly be The One if she's cheated on him repeatedly and will likely do it again. She, like the rest of us, needs to find someone like Micha with whom she'll have a similar comfortable, workable relationship plus the attraction and passion that she has with Alex, otherwise she'll never stay faithful.

I don't want this dynamic for myself. If I stay in a relationship because of guilt and fear I'll only come to resent the person I'm with, or worse be turned off by them and that's not fun when it happens. With regard to The Boy I suppose I could be wrong. He's the best thing to come along in a long time, which I totally appreciate. Just remains to be seen whether my love will grow or fade with time. My last relationship like this lasted about 6 months before I could stand him no more but perhaps this'll have a happier ending...

Mission Impossible? Think Again.

2006-01-06T01:15:00.000-05:00

I cannot BELIEVE the miracle that I just performed. I've reached a new high or low, depending on how you look at it. Earlier this evening, in a moment of both sheer weakness and utter hope, I went ahead and called The Cop after more than 3 months. My best friend convinced me to give it one last college try, telling me that I'd let the one person I most adored go without enough of a fight. I had to find out whether we still had a shot before going any further with The Boy.

So I called (around 7:30pm) and got the machine where I left a rather flirty message. Hours later I came to seriously regret the tone of the message and was ready to sell my soul for the power to erase it. Desperately, I dialed directly into the answering service, hoping to be able to somehow, someway guess his password - a 4-to-8-digit number that could have been conceived by any one of the three roommates in the house. On the 5th try, I got in.

I am Lara Fucking Croft, ladies and gentlemen. WTF?! It is UNFATHOMABLE that I managed to guess the code. He and I barely knew one another and I've never come close to meeting his roommates, yet somehow out of the infinite combination of 4-to-8-digit codes they could have entered I managed to guess it in 5 attempts. The magnitude of this feat stuns me. What are the chances?? He could totally arrest me for this. Oh, the irony.

Miracle aside, my message was the only one saved and I deleted it with some hesitation, hoping they'll think the erasure was due to a random glitch in the system. I'm thinking one of his roommates heard it and saved it for him. Logic here is that with three roommates they'd delete their own messages after listening to them in order to keep the box clear, right? So he's probably not heard it. I'd rather his roommates tell him what they remember about my message rather than let him hear it himself. He may know they mean me because I'm, like, the only english speaker he knows. If he wants to call me back but doesn't have my number anymore he can easily look it up. I'm in the book. If not, I am happy to forget about this little mishap (and him?) completely.

Wow.

Frogs And Fairytales

2006-01-05T12:05:00.000-05:00

Matt says my blog will suffer now that I'll no longer be complaining about my Adventures in Dating. I prefer to think the reason I've neglected my blog is because I've been on vacation, and only today officially rejoined the work force. We'll see whether this post'll make up for my absence...I do have a lot on my mind.

Hope you all had a restful holiday! My New Years Eve at Chateau Bromont, one hour SE of Montreal, was so painful it was funny. The place was crammed with French-Canadian seniors accompanied by their grandchildren. The fogies were all probably half deaf so the kids took advantage of this and started with the noisemakers at about 7pm. At midnight, instead of Auld Lang Syne the band played La Danse des Canards. Ah, good times.

The Boy, who'd gone home for New Years, returned on Monday. We've spent most of out time together since, which has been great. In my last post I talked about not being compelled to think any further into the future than tomorrow. I still feel this way and it seems that The Boy picked up on this. (He's quite perceptive, he is.) He told me he feels as though I've one foot out the door and ready to bolt at any second. He's right, of course. I'm really happy when we're together but every time we part I'm not convinced we'll see one another again.

It's not as though I haven't enjoyed the last couple days. I really have. It's lovely to be tender with someone again, especially someone as special as he is, but for some reason I'm not thinking about next week, much less next month. He, on the other hand, is looking at least as far ahead as February. In all probability we may get there but why aren't I thinking about it? Do I even want it? With JP I (thought I) did. Heck, even the Philandering Psychiatrist got the wheels turning. Why have they suddenly come to a screeching halt now?

When I fall for someone I'm used to falling hard. Some have been Good Boys and some have been Bad Boys, some have been gorgeous and some barely good-looking. It was always more about the elusive *spark* than anything and it's always been instantaneous. It can be a physical spark, an emotional spark, an intellectual spark, and/or some other inexplicable attraction that just draws you to someone, makes your heart pound, your pulse race and your stomach churn even when you're not together. I'm used to and expect the latter and it's this feeling against which all new interactions are measured, even though none of these past relationships have stood the test of time...

I am full of contradictions. I've blogged about being practical in Love and Marriage and about realistically finding The One but the truth is I still want the fairytale where I fall head over heels over someone for whom I will never think "ugh" or "ew". To believe in just being in love as opposed to falling in love. If a friend said this to me, I'd tell her to rub the sleep from her eyes. I'd tell her that a coup de foudre is possible but that true love and respect, the building blocks of enduring relationships, take time to develop. I'd encourage her to give it a chance. The Boy told me that the love is more precious when you know you can lose your partner at any moment. That it's more meaningful for two people to choose to be together rather than just stay together due to fear or a lack of options.

My sister is frustrated with me. She thinks I'm going to ruin everything with my self-sabotage and emotional irrationality and she may be right. I think I'm doing a fair job so far of going with the flow. The Boy is honestly a very unique and special person and my affections are steadily growing. So what if I'm not head over heels (yet?)? This relationship might actually have a chance in hell and teach me something in the process. Or maybe not. Maybe his flaws and foibles won't ever endear him to me and I'll indeed "dump his ass" when he gets too annoying. Maybe he'll wisen up and show me how close I am to losing him. Maybe this is what I need because I believe he'll not stick around for long if I continue to be so non-committal. How's that saying go about appreciating something more after it's gone?

I also worry about when and how to tell Mac about this. It's fairly new so I've not said anything. To be honest, a part of me is thinking that it may well be over soon so I might never have to tell him. It kinda scares and saddens me to think that I might care enough about someone else. I don't know how I'd react if he came to me with this first. Could be I'm keeping this to myself because of The Ex Factor. Even though I know it's over and could never go back, it's tough to let go completely. As long as neither of us has found someone else it's like we're still the most important person to the other. I know it's egotistical but I'm not ready to give up the throne. And, you know, when you finally tell your ex you've moved on the last thing you want is to go back later and tell them it didn't work out. Sadistic, yes, but is it so unusual to take comfort (even delight) in the fact that your ex's new flame fizzled?

I think I've blogged enough for one day! I'd put off writing for a long time because I had so much going on in my head and didn't know where to start. I feel better having laid most of it out here. I hope I don't sound whiny and ungrateful. I know (don't I?) that a good man is hard to find and my spirits have indeed been buoyed by these recent turn of events, especially considering all the frogs I've kissed. One thing I know for sure, this Boy ain't no frog. I think maybe I'm having trouble putting it all into perspective but I promise I'll work on that...

About A Boy

2005-12-28T14:00:00.000-05:00

I'm being so lazy, ya'll. I've been unofficially on vacation since Dec. 19, and officially on vacation until Jan. 5. Before you know it the holidays will be over and I'll have the rest of next year stretching infinitely before me. But maybe the next couple weeks/months won't be so bad, hmm?

Indeed my mind has been preoccupied with (happy) thoughts of The Boy recently. We met for the first time last week and then (long story) actually spent Christmas Eve together, which wasn't strange at all, only strangely comforting. We were both supposed to be out of town but ended up staying in together. It was more than a lovely time. We have such a rapport, it's like we've known one another for years even though we barely just met. He often articulates my exact thoughts. It's uncanny and unsettling but quite profound.

This is unlike anything I've experienced before. It feels slower, more deliberate, less frenetic, but more grounded. For once I'm not foolishly looking far into the future. I don't even have to remind myself not to, it just doesn't seem fitting. It feels more natural to just savour each moment and look forward to tomorrow. I don't know how long he'll be in my life but I'm sure I'm going to enjoy the ride. I couldn't have asked for a better way to end the year.

Club Kids

2005-12-22T11:20:00.000-05:00

I was never one. In fact, I had never frequented dance clubs with any regularity until this year, so at 27 I'm more than a late bloomer. I only recently got a serious glimpse into this other world when I met Manu, Lora and Jules. They are hardcore, baby. When I first met them, I liked them a lot. They seemed like so much fun, and they are, and I do like them but I realized that I can't (and don't want to) keep up with them despite being several years younger.

The Club Scene is something I knew nothing about. I had an inkling of its existence but had no idea what was involved. It's a world of introductions, connections, shmoozing, name dropping, VIP lists, cutting in line, and getting in for free. At the entrance of the last club we went to Manu mumbled to me, "Introduce yourself" to the girl at the door. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Hell, I'd rather pay the pithy cover than try and befriend a stranger who knows exactly why I'm being so chatty.

The Three Muskateers party hard and often. Too much for my taste but on occasion it's definitely entertaining. These guys dance to everything and for hours - typically until closing. They are some of the best dancers I've ever seen. Two are latin and ooze sensuality, which attracts a lot of attention on the dance floor. Lora's moves especially act as a (sleazy)dude magnet. They're also known to go home with people they meet in clubs. One-night-standers...I thought they were Urban Legends.

I'd been planning on spending New Years Day with Manu and Lora at an After Hours club but I've since reconsidered. I'd gone to The Cross this summer while in London and saw some funky shit but apparently Montreal After Hours are pretty unique. Indeed I was told that it's not unusual to see couples openly engaging in all sorts of explicit acts. Everyone is on something in order to dance all night. I guess it's the combination of drugs and atmosphere that give people carte blanche to do things they wouldn't normally do. The only thing that gave me pause was the fact that I might be left to fend for myself (and get myself home) if either Manu or Lora hook up and leave without me.

Even though it's not my scene I'd like to see what it's all about. I'm sure I'll never return so why not go on the best day of the year. January 1st is going to be the wildest party yet. Manu and Lora will want to enjoy their night without having to babysit me so I won't go unless I'm sure I won't be in their way. I'd just better prepare myself to see some wack stuff. We all have a bad side (don't we?) that is tickled by taboo. I'm curious to at least observe what goes on, but not necessarily participate in anything myself (though admittedly the temptation and opportunity will be there).

I've still got a week to think about it. Worse comes to worse I can just leave and grab a cab if anything makes me uneasy. I think sometimes we feel uncomfortable because we think we should be uncomfortable, because we are ashamed or embarrassed by being attracted to that which, in everyday life, we've been told we shouldn't be. Will it be different to be in an environment where you know you won't be judged and are in fact just behaving in the same way as others around you? Dance like no one's watching except you know (and like) that they are?

Chemistry Test

2005-12-19T12:00:00.000-05:00

No matter what I tell myself, it's impossible not to be excited about the possibility of finding someone. Dating this past year has been fun but I can't say I'm looking forward to another year (or more) of it. I can't say I'm looking for a long term relationship either unless someone really spectacular were to come along, but the next few months with someone special would really hit the spot (no pun intended).

I think it's cocky to say that one is "picky" when it comes to choosing a partner. I just have my preferences, which I think are specific enough to dramatically ease the flow of suitable men my way to a mere trickle. It's not even a conscious choice. If they don't have the IT factor, I'm not interested. I don't have a "type". It's more about their character and personality than their look. Unfortunately, the good looking ones think/know they're all that and usually aren't very intellectually sharp. I'll admit I tend to discriminate against handsome men. They just don't surprise me too often.

But this one has surprised me. He's tipped me momentarily off my feet, and I'm either going to fall into his arms or into the abyss of disappointment. So far so good. Though I've been remotely interested in three people this year, I was only truly excited by JP, and we all know how that turned out. This one seems a lot like me. In fact, he seems more "me" than anyone I've ever met. Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing I've no idea, but it makes for some looong, hilarious, eye-opening, intense conversations. And yes, he's hot to boot...at least from what I've seen.

That's right, I haven't actually met him. I hope I like him as much in person as I have thus far. The first guy I met this way (a smart and sexy psychiatrist) I ended up dating for a few months. I knew I'd like him and I did. It was just a matter of transfering my liking from a voice/picture to an actual body. Some people use the first couple dates as a filter but that's not really how I work. The ones that get a first date are already better than the rest. (Last Dateboy slipped under the radar - blame it on boredom.) Unless this guy has some kind of facial tick or gruesome deformity chances are I'll probably like him. I just wonder whether he'll feel the same way.

I am reluctant to meet, even though I know he wants to. That's what sucks about chatting and talking on the phone for so long. It creates this involuntary expectation and anticipation, and I don't want to disappoint or be disappointed. I know I'm contradicting myself. I should have more confidence in myself and my "filtration process", but at times like these all your insecurities flare up like a bad case of acne, and you start to doubt yourself no matter how brilliant and a catch you really are. I guess you can be all of these things and still not have chemistry with someone. You can't fake that shit. I should know, I failed Chemistry miserably my first year in college.

So I guess we'll see...He leaves on Friday to spend the holidays back home with family and won't be back until after New Year. So if I don't meet him this week it won't be for a few more weeks. I guess it's pointless to drag this out any longer. Might as well find out now instead of wasting the next couple weeks thinking about it. Hell, if it doesn't work out I've always got Bromont, right?

Yellow Bird

2005-12-16T22:00:00.000-05:00

Not many people I know have dated outside their race, my own friends included. I myself have never even dated within my race, but that's not really the norm. Just like everyone else, when I like someone or consider dating someone I'll wonder whether I'll be their type, not just personality-wise but, frankly, colour-wise. Because, let's face it, I'm not white. And it's not like I want to be something other than what I am, but I can't forget about this fundamental difference that is so visible to the naked eye.

People wonder all the time what their future spouse will be like. But do you wonder what race they'll be? I do. It's probably my number one question. The ensuing life I'd have with a caucasian man would be quite different from the one I'd have if I married a Vietnamese man or an asian man. Heck, the wedding itself would be radically affected. And don't even get me started on the kids, what they'll look like, what language they'll speak. It makes it almost impossible to daydream about the future or The One when the alternatives are so different.

White friends of mine will sometimes talk about setting me up with white friends of theirs. And at the back of my mind a small voice always wonders whether "asian" will be the guy's type. Because it's simply not true that all guys like asian women. Or at least be willing to date them versus just getting erotic massages or lapdances from them. A married acquaintance of mine actually told me that he liked me and that he'd never been with an asian woman before! Does my being asian have anything to do with his liking me? I certainly have no interest in being his token exotic asian mistress.

While I was in France I dated a really nice french guy. I won't even call him "open minded" because he never made me feel "different" from him in any way. But I sure felt it when I went to Normandy with him for Easter with his family. It's hard to describe what happened and how I felt. His grandparents weren't condescending as such. In fact, they seemed charmed by my asian-ness. They (unintentionally) made me feel as though everything about me was so interesting and unique. I think they even launched into a discussion on race relations and political correctness in France and pointedly asked me how I felt about it just so I could see how unracist and accepting they were of me. I may as well have just stepped away from the rice fields and off the boat.

It's funny, when I meet someone new, they'll usually ask me where I'm "from", but you don't think to ask that of Random White People that you meet. I know telling them I was born and raised in Montreal and that I'm Canadian won't answer their question. A guy I knew, once again in some feeble attempt at making me feel comfortable, once told me completely out of the blue "I don't see colour" and then later, "I'm so colour-blind." Huh? I almost gagged and rolled my eyes when he wasn't looking. Unless you're colour blind, you see colour.

I guess in the same way that I wonder whether white guys will like me because I'm asian, white guys will sometimes wonder whether I'll date them because they're not asian. In fact, I've had guys ask me before whether I only date asian men. Do white guys ever think they're my token white arm candy? Did you know that white people make more money teaching english overseas than their asian counterparts, regardless of actual speaking and teaching ability? It's like reverse racism...crazy.

Anyway, this wasn't a rant or anything. I just felt like thinking aloud on this topic. I know when I tried explaining some of this to my white friends they were really surprised and admitted that there's a lot I think about that they've never had to consider before. You probably won't see sitcoms about asian families popping up any time soon (Margaret Cho had a short-lived one, didn't she?), however I have noticed an increasing number of asians newscasters, which - I can't help it - makes me puff up my chest with pride. Betty Nguyen (on CNN), you go girl!

The Single Woman And The Drunk

2005-12-14T11:30:00.000-05:00

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
And a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

What Women Want

2005-12-13T15:45:00.000-05:00

What I Want in a Man, ORIGINAL List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, REVISED List (Age 32):

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, REVISED List (Age 42):

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, REVISED List (Age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, REVISED List (Age 62):

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, REVISED List (Age 72):

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Holiday Cheer

2005-12-13T12:15:00.000-05:00

I'm on vacation this week. Unfortunately, my finances are such that I am unable to jet off to some sunny destination to laze on the beach. Instead, I am freezing my expanding ass off in the city. My only New Year's Resolution this year is to drag said-fat-ass back to the gym.

Speaking of New Years...not sure what I'm doing yet. I'd love to hear what the rest of ya'll have planned. Some people Kay and I know are spending the weekend at a ski chalet. It's a bit pricey but it sounds nice and will give us an opportunity to dress up for dinner. I'd prefer to spend a laid back NYE with Jay, Drew and company but Kay isn't thrilled about the "& co." part. She's been a good friend to me this year and I can't imagine ringing in the new year without her so Chateau Bromont it will probably be. I'll finally get to meet Al, some dude that they've been trying to hook me up with for ages. He's supposedly great, except for his receding hairline.

I hadn't gone dancing in a while so went out over the weekend, despite a (literal) pain in the neck. Salon Daome was every bit as fab as I'd heard. Unfortunately, I had to leave a little over two hours later because, genius that I am, I drank after taking muscle relaxants for my neck, and got violently ill. Thankfully the club is only two blocks from home. I still had a blast and am planning on going back this Saturday with my new friends. They are so much fun. They even invited me to party with them on New Years Day at Stereo, an after hours nightclub. I can't wait!!!

I'm 27. I figure I have at most a few years left of unadulterated, unabashed merry-making before I really have to sober up, buckle down and marry up. I reassure myself that at least I've got a head start: I own my own home, I have fur-kids, a well-paying full-time bore, I mean, JOB, pay taxes and invest in RRSPs. By day I'm Martha-fucking-Stewart. Although you ever notice how Martha Stewart is a big boozer? She spikes all her holiday recipes with liquor.

I have a crush of my neighbor. She's, like, from Romania or some other Eastern European country where they spit out gorgeous fat-free girls with scrubbed faces. What the hell is in their water?! She's an artist and lives in the penthouse with her suit-clad husband, a blond adonis from my high school that all the girls swooned over. And she's NICE. Cruel, cruel fate.

Why Men Love Bitches

2005-12-07T10:55:00.000-05:00

My friend Kay is a real bitch, and I mean that as a compliment. You'll never see Kay sitting by the phone willing for it to ring. She may (or may not) return a man's calls, but is unlikely to initiate one to him in the first place. She won't drop everything to see a man. She won't ask a guy out, and if she thinks he's calling at the last minute to ask her out she simply won't pick up. A guy she knew, who had once promised to call and never did, had the audacity to ask for her number again saying he'd lost it. She politely refused. That's right, I said politely. Kay may be a bitch, but she's a damn nice one.

Some would call this a game. But it's not, at least not to her. She doesn't deliberately and purposefully ignore men to get them to pursue her, but the end result is the same. They do - at least the ones who really want her. She doesn't bother with the ones that don't. Kay doesn't make things too easy for men. Those not willing to make the effort, go the extra mile, are weeded out. She doesn't need to reject anyone, the weak simply takes themselves out of the equation, and only the strongest survive. Natural Selection. Survival of the Fittest.

And it doesn't end there, oh no. The ones who make it to Round 2 aren't necessarily guaranteed her affections, though they receive marginally more attention than their fallen comrades. She continues to challenge them, and in this way further eliminates those who pursued her purely for sport. Some women get the first part right. They let men chase them, but then high off of the attention they quickly succumb. Game over. Kay keeps them on their toes and believe me, the chosen few feel mighty special to be in her company. They don't get it all right up front, and thus they appreciate it more. No man feels as though he has 100% hold on her so he doesn't get lazy. He knows he can't walk all over her and get away with it.

Like I said, Kay doesn't do any of this "on purpose". She argues that she is overly protective because of a fear of rejection. If this is the case, then we should all be blessed with this affliction. OK, I'm kidding. But seriously, we all have this fear of abandonment. It's primal and it's real. But unlike Kay this same fear leads many of us to behave desperately, and desperate behaviour, especially early on in a courtship or relationship, signals that we don't place a high value on ourselves because already we are prepared to deal our best card. While Kay's way is great at the outset to ensure only the ones who really like her remain, her fear of rejection does give her an excessively heavy foot, which will sometimes drive even the most well-intentioned ones away. Make no mistake, Kay is an expert game-player and oftentimes its the boys who want to play. The men, real men, are smart enough to not even bother.

Books like The Rules seek to give women a strict list of "Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right". I think this book was written tongue in cheek and, if read with this in mind, makes a lot of sense. It encourages women to be happy, confident, and too busy pursuing their own goals to care whether he calls or not, to stop making excuses for him when he doesn't call. Kay is loosely A Rules Girl, but not because she tries to be. In the end, it's not about following a set of rules. The only rule to remember is to love and respect yourself. Don't let yours be a relationship of convenience. Don't waste your time loving someone who doesn't love you back. Go ahead, be a bitch, as long as B.I.T.C.H. stands for Babe In Total Control of Herself.

Fridate Night

2005-12-05T10:35:00.000-05:00

I went on a date Friday night (my first "official" one since the stint with JP, the cop) and actually had a nice time. We exceeded the recommended duration for a first date by about two and a half hours, though I'm well aware that this is not necessarily indicative of any relationship potential. I hope that makes me sound realistic and not pessimistic...

I was pretty disillusioned by my experience with JP, so much so that I never wrote about what happened, and chase it out of my mind whenever I think about it. I admit that it has affected me, the way I see things, and the way I approach similar situations. I am more cautious now and perhaps a little less forgiving. If I act like I don't care then maybe, just maybe, I'll be less disappointed if things don't work out. So no more detailed description of the evening's events, no more overanalysis of our conversation, no more premature fantasies. The only thing I know for sure is that I don't know anything for sure. That, and the fact that I'm not the best actress.

I'd like to see him again, but I'm not going to call, nor am I going to email. If it ends here, so be it. This is a somewhat difficult stand to take seeing how he is only the third in a long line of people I met this year to actually peak my interest, but I need to know that it is reciprocated before making any grand overtures. Men are not that complicated. If he's into me he'll let me know it, starting with a simple phone call. No sleuthing required. (Incidentally, why is it that the ones we want never want us?!) If he's interested, he'll call. If not? Mystery solved.

Thinking With Your Venus

2005-11-30T12:00:00.000-05:00

Venus is the Goddess of Love. Venus rules our sentiments, what we value, and the pleasure we take in life. We look to Venus in the natal chart to see how we approach relationships of the heart, as well as what gives us pleasure. Do we enjoy the give and take of relationships (Venus in Libra), the security our relationships give us (Venus in Cancer), or the thrill of the conquest (Venus in Aries)?

My Venus is in Scorpio. It is definitely all or nothing with me:

It's all or nothing in matters of the heart. You are capable of loving deeply, and you crave intimacy. Scorpio isn't afraid of anything, and when Venus, the planet of love, is found in this sign, love relationships are intense. Scorpio is also a sign that thrives on crisis in order for its natives to feel alive and vital, so when it comes to matters of the heart, you are not only unafraid of getting your hands dirty, you may easily find an overly predictable relationship uninteresting.

Scorpios don't enjoy being referred to as jealous, but from time to time, jealousy and possessiveness become issues in your relationships. You have a strong desire to control your often turbulent passions, and you don't always let your partner exactly what is going on inside of you as a result. Others will be either strongly attracted to, or intimidated by, your obvious ability to give all to love, and your extraordinary passion. Your strong interest in love and romance can sometimes border on obsessive, and you need a partner who is willing to go the distance with you. Sexually, you are intense as well, but you definitely do not only want your partner's body--you want his or her soul as well. Sex without intimacy is ultimately uninteresting to you.

Be careful that your fear of betrayal doesn't become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When insecure about your partner's feelings about you, resorting to games of power and control might seem like a natural route for you, and may even get temporary desired "results", but can have disastrous consequences in the long run. Learning to let go a little and have faith in your partner can do wonders in any relationship. When you are at your best, you are unafraid of intimacy and can offer extraordinary passion to your relationships that is pretty much unmatched.

Where's your Venus and those of your loved ones? Find out here, and read the descriptions here.

Once you know your Venus sign, find out how you relate to others and your compatibility by comparing your Venus zodiac signs.

When the relationship in question is a love relationship, one factor that should be considered is the comparison of Venus signs. Although similar to Sun Sign compatibility, Venus Sign compatibility hones in on the individuals' love nature, and can therefore be very illuminating.

The position of Venus in a man's chart does tend to offer some clues as to what he will find attractive. What turns your man on? Find out here.

And So It Begins...

2005-11-28T09:45:00.000-05:00

I got an email from Sam A. this morning. He wants to know when I'm free for coffee or a drink. It would help if I could remember something about him. I have no idea what I'm going to do or how I am going to respond...

3 Out Of 5 Bachelors Agree...

2005-11-27T20:40:00.000-05:00

Phil, the host of the Speed Dating event, called me this evening to inform me of the results from last evening. Apparently (only?!) 12 out of the 20 men showed an interest in me, including the three that I'd selected. As previously indicated I hadn't actually said YES to anyone but I'd felt guilty for not choosing anyone so before leaving I'd scribbled down the names of my three MAYBE's, not really thinking that they'd also choose me (why not? I'm fabulous!). Well, guess what? They did.

Oh, the Horror...To be honest, I don't even remember who these gentlemen are: Michel B., Christian D., and Sam A. (shoulda taken better notes), but I'm sure they were the best of the bunch as I was quite merciless with my NO's and stingy with my MAYBE's. But Maybe is far from being a Yes so I probably shouldn't have put their names down unless I was really interested in seeing them again because they might just call me. And if they do, I might just have to go out with them. I mean, I can't well explain that I'd bumped their status from Maybe to Yes out of sport and obligation, can I? I'd be making a mockery of the entire sacred speed dating process.

Kay said the guys were losers and was insulted that we didn't make it onto everyone's list. She cracks me up sometimes. She was smart enough to tell Phil today that she didn't want him giving her contact information to her mutual matches so she's off the hook. Unfortunately, I'm not, but perhaps no one will take the next step and actually contact me...

Assembly Line Dating

2005-11-27T17:15:00.000-05:00

At least I can say I tried it. I'm all about trying new things this year and this was no exception. Kay and I went to a Speed Dating event last night, held at the Buddha Bar on St-Laurent. In my first post I mentioned that we were thinking about attending October's event but we lost our nerve and backed out at the last minute. This time, we decided to give it a shot. I thought at the very least I'd have material for my blog!

A quick intro for those of you who aren't familiar: Speed Dating is just that. You have quick five-minute one-on-one conversations with singles of the opposite sex. Ladies stay seated and the men change "stations" when the host signals that it's time to move on to the next date. At the end of each date you check YES, NO, or MAYBE beside your date's name. Once you've met all the suitors you write the names of the people you'd like to see again at the bottom of the page. Post-event the organizers send you the contact details of your mutual matches - those you selected who also selected you.

The turnout was incredible, but only in terms on quantity not quality. We had about 20 "dates" last night. It was exhausting. Most of the guys were friendly enough and the five minutes went by fairly painlessly, except for a couple that were simply excruciating. There was the close-talker, who was so close I gave him an eskimo kiss every time I moved my head. I had to lean so far back I was practically reclining on the person behind me. One dude talked only about money (refer back to Rule #4.) Yet another gave one or two word answers to every question, and I finally had to tell him, "Now you ask me something."

Overall and on paper the crowd wasn't bad: young (25-35), stylish, professional. The women were way more attractive than the men. (Male readers please note: the rumours are true. Montreal is indeed chock full of good-looking single women, though I can't vouch for their intelligence or lack thereof.) For the most part there was nothing glaringly wrong about the men I talked to, they just weren't right for me (though judging from what I overheard in the bathroom the other girls seemed perfectly satisfied with the "selection"). I'm not even going to refer to "my type" because I'm fairly open-minded in that sense. I just didn't feel a resounding Yes with any of them, which was OK since I truly hadn't expected to meet anyone, least of all by these contrived means.

People say that dating is a numbers game, the more dates you go on, the better your chances of meeting someone. I suppose statistically speaking this makes sense but I won't subscribe to this belief. Everyone already says how few good people there are left, why prove it by going on 25 haphazard dates and coming up empty handed? I don't see the point. The experience was fun and I'm glad that I tried it but I don't think I'll be going again. The host pulled Kay and me aside at the end of the night and offered to let us attend the next event for free because we were good for business. I suppose we should have been flattered.

I'm definitely of the opinion that it'll happen when it's meant to happen, in whatever way it comes about. I'm not too concerned with looking for something before it's meant to be found.

Oh Canada

2005-11-23T11:20:00.000-05:00

I thought I was going to break my neck walking the dogs this morning. Montreal is notorious for its suidically icy sidewalks come Wintertime - one glance outside is all one needs to confirm that it is Winter. Indeed there is no Fall in Montreal, besides the ones I'll inevitably take trying to navigate the ice rink that is this city. Thankfully the sun is shining, taking away some of the bite in the air. It is -7 degrees centigrade out there, which is equivalent to a toasty 19 fahrenheit for my neighbors down south.

This will be my first official Winter in Montreal in five years. Granted, the last four were spent a mere 6 hours west in Toronto but it really is milder in T.O - because of its proximity to the Great Lakes? Winter 2000 was spent basking in the sun and sand of the French Riviera where I had gone to "study". When we stepped out of the airport into what can only be described as a balmy day in January we giddily threw off our coats and pranced around the parking lot. The locals looked at us like we were crazy as they pulled their jackets tighter around them. Wimps!

My friend Andrew called to let me know he and his girlfriend, Nat, were going to be here for three weeks in December. They moved out to Vancouver, BC, about two years ago where he's doing his doctorate. I've never been to BC but it's a well known fact that it's gorgeous out west. And no, it does not rain all the time. Our snowy season (November to...practically May) is their rainy season, and to be honest I'd rather deal with a bit of rain. My only fear in visiting the province is that I'll love it so much that I'll want to move there. Unfortunately, my family and friends are all staunch Montreal loyalists so I'd have to leave them all behind again, which I don't want to do. Here's a link to blogger's brief description of her trip to Vancouver accompanied by a great slideshow.

Don't get me wrong, I love my city as do millions of other adoring fans. We are Mad About Montreal. Most Montrealers are proud supporters of the city. Many have never left and don't plan on ever leaving. In fact, people from around the world flock to take up permanent residence here every year. Apparently we boast a community of something like 100,000 French (from France) emigrants, which now includes my friend Matt. I grew up (and still live) in (what is currently considered) a trendy area of the city, with Greek, Portugese, Spanish and Indian people. (I had the cutest Greek accent as a kid.) It's totally normal for residents to speak four languages interchangeably. It's a Canadian city unlike any other.

It's great being Canadian. I know I can make a lot more money if I moved to the States but at a very hefty price, especially given the current political situation. From East coast to West, there's no country quite like Canada and the people who occupy it. I came across a fantastic article called: It's great up north - The US should look to Canada to find out how to balance both its budget and its life.

Canada is democratic to its marrow, relatively enlightened on environment, health and welfare issues and its political discourse, unlike America's, is recognisably connected to the rest of the free world. That is almost certainly because the centre ground of politics, the place where you find a nation's core values and its character, is some distance to the left of the centre ground in the US.

Watch Molson's Canadian beer commercial, also known as The Canadian Rant and other fun spoofs such as: I Ham Not Ha Canadian, I Is A Newfoundlander, I am Torontonian, here (Quicktime required). Sing it loud and sing it proud. I am Canadian, eh!

Love And Marriage

2005-11-21T14:45:00.000-05:00

Single people, rejoice! Revel in the absence of unfulfilled expectations! Celebrate your freedom of speech, thought, and mobility! Delight in your detachment!

When I first moved back here my friends suggested that I stay single for at least a year, especially given the long term relationship from which I'd just emerged. I'd initially balked at the idea of choosing to be alone, until I looked around and saw an increasing number of attached people who were more lonely than ever.

I spent the weekend at friend's chalet up north with some girl friends. We had a great time cooking, eating, drinking and talking in front of the fire. I was sorry to learn that several of the girls were quite unhappy in their relationships, and one girl in particular, Laura, was having marital difficulties. What I found surprising was that the issues she described were the same concerns she had while she and her husband were dating. This is so common - I don't understand why people think their problems will magically resolve themselves or disappear once they tie the knot? Why do people faithfully jump into marriage despite recurring arguments, persistent problems, and/or nagging doubts?

I totally agree that relationships are partnerships, and that a lot of give and take, sacrifice and concession is required to make them work. The problem though is that many people tend to underestimate the importance of some of their personal values/desires, while overestimating their ability to compromise them. In other words, it's better to see eye to eye on a few critical matters than it is to agree on many less significant ones, but completely diverge on what matters most. And ideally, any issues upon which you disagree should be considered relatively minor by at least one of you so that even the problems aren't crippling.

I don't believe that Successful Couples have no problems. On the contrary, I think they earn this title by how well they work through the difficulties they encounter. It's their similar perspectives and/or compatible approaches to the obstacles that enable them to effectively maneuver them. I watched one such couple, Uchenna and Joyce, on CBS's The Amazing Race. I was in awe as they calmly and respectfully worked through each obstacle while the other pairs screamed and cursed at one another. Apparently they had been married and trying unsuccessfully to have a child for over 10 years. I remember thinking how strong they must be to have survived this ordeal and still be so obviously in love. I just checked the official site and saw that they had in fact won the race that season!! Can I call it, or what?!

I have a pretty good head on my shoulders, I think. I'm still a romantic and passionate person, but am discriminating and realistic at the same time. I am frustrated at my girl friends who constantly complain about the troubles they're having with their boyfriends, and yet somehow still talk about marrying them. How foolish and naive. Love does not conquer all, I just need to look at my own family to know this. I will not feel pressured into getting married and having children because it's "time". There are too many miserable marriages, bitter divorces, and traumatized children for this to be a legitimate reason.

I think everyone should think about how they would define a great relationship, along with a weighted list of what characteristics or values are most important to them, and then re-evaluate their current relationships against this list. Where does it fall short? By how much? It's true that love and marriage take a lot of work but at the same time it shouldn't have to be so complicated. It was predicted that I would marry a bit later in life, but that when it happened it would be forever. I hope that this will be the case. I have faith that it will.

Putting The Ex in Sex

2005-11-16T00:35:00.000-05:00

My ex-boyfriend's roommate had sex last night. I know this because my ex, Jay, and I were downstairs in the living room when the fun started. He and I hadn't seen one another in years so the sound effects made for an uncomfortable reunion to say the least. The whole situation was pretty comical, really, under the circumstances.

You have to forgive the couple's vocal indiscretion. Apparently Jay's roommate, Matt, and this girl, heretofore referred to as The Lungs, had been broken up for several weeks and (lucky me!) last night was their reunion too. Add to this the fact that Jay and Matt had only just moved into the loft a mere week ago, and perhaps had no idea that their new home was actually an echo chamber.

I'd only been there 20 minutes before the bedroom antics began. Jay and I both jokingly acknowledged the action taking place over our heads and conspicuously turned up the volume on the TV. Unfortunately, The Lungs also cranked it up a few notches. At first we tried to talk over the noise of the blaring TV and the Screaming Banshee but then we felt pretty ridiculous. We could barely hear each other, and frankly, I kept losing my train of thought. The conversation went something like this:

Jay: So, uh, would you like something to drink?
The Lungs: YES!!! YES!!!
Me: No (YES!!!) NO, I'm OK, thanks.
TV: WAH WAH WAH
Me: Um, nice place you got here.
The Lungs: UHHHHH!!! UHHHHH!!!
TV: WAH WAH WAH
Jay: Sorry, what?
The Lungs: OH GAWWWWWD!!!
Me: Oh God.

To add a another twist to an already awkward situation, Jay didn't yet have a couch so there we were sitting on stiff wooden chairs in the relatively empty living room - which was doubling as a concert hall - while The Lungs' growing enthusiasm for Matt's sexual prowess reverberated all around us. When it became clear that it was only Act 1 of the evening's performance, Jay and I decided to head over to my place. (I'll take a rain check on the upstairs tour, thank you very much.)

...

So it was after midnight when we arrived at my place where we sank, relieved, onto the sofa. We decided to celebrate our celibacy by toasting over a couple of strong drinks. It was great seeing Jay again. We were each other's first high school boyfriend/girlfriend. He's definitely special because of this and I never knew he felt the same way until we started talking about "the old days". I reminded him of how he used to sing to me over the phone, which is funny cause he's now the lead singer in a rock band. We laughed about the time he ran out of my house, in his socks, into waist-deep snow when my parents came home unexpectedly. It was really warm, and familiar, and comfortable.

I don't know if it was because of the earlier events of the evening, the nostalgia, the bud, or the booze but I suddenly felt overwhelmed and dizzy. Jay put his arms around me and held me, stroking my hair as I hyperventilated for about 10 minutes. The nausea passed and I was OK again. Our closeness hadn't felt wierd at all, even after all these years. In fact, it happened very naturally and I think we both felt better.

To make a long story short Jay ended up staying over. He'd forgotten his keys to his building/loft, and Matt must have been totally spent after a night of boudoir gymnastics cause he didn't answer the phone when Jay called. It was already 3am so we decided he'd just go home in the morning.

It was obvious that Jay, who's about 6'2, was going to have trouble sleeping on my couch. I knew it'd be fine for him to sleep beside me so he did, and it was - fine, that is. Granted, it's not something I do everyday, literally sleeping with my exes, but I think it was a combination of many things: we have a history together, we bonded last night, we felt comfortable with one another, we were both a little lonely (and tipsy), and just wanted to be close. OK, I admit I was a wee bit curious as to whether the flame was still alive - I mean, we were just kids back then - and I think I know the answer.

I'm sure something could have occured last night but I kept things innocent. We'd had such a good time, roommate issues notwithstanding, and I didn't want to needlessly complicate matters. Besides, dating again is not an option either of us is considering, so just hooking up was out of the question. I did the right thing. The right thing sucks. I hate doing the right thing. But I like being right. You see my dilemma.

I do realize though that this can't happen again. We were faced with the opportunity and did not pursue it. We passed the test, but I don't plan on taking that test again, so I'll be certain to keep things platonic going forward. Kay says that because we used to go out it is possible to just, like, kiss once just to satisfy our curiosity, and go back to normal. Pandora's Box is tempting but I'm not going to open it. As much as women say they can do it like a man, researchers have proven that physiologically women do in fact become attached to lovers in a way that men don't. Turns out we're not as good at compartmentalizing as we thought.

The Ex Factor. It's an interesting phenomenon. Does one ever really get over one's exes? I think oftentimes it's a case of Wanting What You Haven't Got or The Grass Being Greener on The Other Side. If you're truly content in your current relationship it's easier to see an ex with someone new and be genuinely happy for them. But if you're unhappily single or in a less-than-ideal relationship then it's normal to feel hurt or jealous or envious or angry or whatever. I think it has more to do with one's ego than the other person. When you really love someone you should want them to be happy, even if it's with someone else.

I find there's always a vibe between exes, even a weak one. Once you're intimate with someone it becomes something between you that you'll share forever. (This is assuming you're not some Casanova who has had countless lovers or a bad breaker upper that your exes hate.) There is certainly something exciting about the Ex Factor. It's almost romantic, like, "Darling, no matter how much time has passed there'll always be something between us!" This is the stuff moves are made of, but this ain't the movies, and in the end it's best to just be satisfied with an emotional "something", and leave the Ex out of Sex. (Someone send Matt a memo.)

The One

2005-11-14T04:49:00.000-05:00

It was predicted that I would meet Mac. I was even told how I would meet him, and it happened in exactly that way. I knew, felt it in my stomach, that the man I was supposed to meet was in the elevator and on his way up. When I first opened the door I was shocked, as he looked nothing like anyone I had ever known or liked. I remember looking heavenward thinking, "Him?! Are you sure it's him?" Despite my confusion and initial resistance we did indeed end up together and would spend close to the next eight years together. But I never thought he was The One.

Mac was literally destined to be a significant figure in my life. Our relationship was a major milestone. As much as I loved him, and wished at times that it could have been so, I knew that he was not The One with whom I was to spend the rest of my days. It didn't change how I felt about him or keep me from being with him for as long as we could but I knew things had to and eventually did come to an end. That's something I'm adamant about: either you feel it, know it, or you don't. If you're sure about nothing else in your life, be sure about who you're with. Life is too short. Why be with someone you have doubts about? Because you're afraid of being alone? Afraid of never finding The One you want so settling for the one you've got?

I'm not a romantic school girl with stars in the her eyes and fairy tales in her head. I don't expect thunder to roll and lightening to flash when I meet The One, not to be confused with the concept of a Soul Mate, which I don't think I believe in. In my mind, it's more about compatibility than blind love. Antoine de Saint-Exupery said it best:

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward in the same direction.

I think you should want to gaze at each other too. Some couples are so preoccupied staring into each others eyes that they don't pay attention to the bumps that keep tripping them up. Others drive relatively smoothly along the road of life together but looking straight ahead without touching. Everyone knows a tired couple who seem more like friends or roommates than lovers. I could never be half of that couple. While I think that your lover should be your best friend he should also be the kindling and flame to your physical and intellectual fires, cause Baby, it's cold outside.

I sometimes wonder about couples my age who've been together for several years, but who aren't married or even engaged. It's like, what are you waiting for? We're not teenagers anymore, it doesn't take three years to get to know someone, at least I don't. Common answers (AKA excuses): not being in a hurry despite having already been together for 5 years, not "believing" in marriage, not having enough money, etc. I mean, it's different if both people are genuinely happy together but most of the time, when you dig deep enough, you find out that it's usually one person or the other who isn't sure about committing to the one they're with. Which is worse, being with someone you don't want to marry or being with someone who doesn't want to marry you? Doesn't everyone deserve to be with someone who truly loves them? Isn't it better to let go so that you can both find what you're looking for?

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

2005-11-11T23:21:00.000-05:00

I was talking to my friend Anne about this topic a few nights ago and thought that it was worth posting about...

People usually refer to someone's Looks as being superficial, and distinct from his Personality, which is often considered a truer reflection of himself. We're all familiar with the old adage: You shouldn't judge a book by its cover. I think this is sage advice. But while I agree that a book's content is not influenced by its cover, I think that a person's personality is indeed shaped by his looks (among other things, of course). I don't see looks as being so much separate from personality but a determinant of it, and a key factor in its development.

Think for a moment about your own personality. Think about the experiences you've had, your approach to life, the way you deal with people and they deal with you, your fears and anxieties, your self-image. Would your personality be any different if you looked like Brad Pitt or Julia Roberts (or whoever you think is gorgeous)? Similarly would you be exactly as you are today if you were very unattractive? Maybe not. And people's personalities can evolve as their looks do, such as increased confidence after dramatic weight loss.

They say that you shouldn't discount a physically unattractive person because he might have a great personality. He might be really nice with a great sense of humour. Would this person still continue to be as sweet and funny if he woke up tomorrow and was suddenly gorgeous or would he start to change? It's not a coincidence that there are a lot of goodlooking jerks out there, that's why we're so excited when we meet someone uber-attractive who is also sweet and intelligent and funny. (Something must be wrong with him/her, we start to worry. Maybe he wears women's panties or She is really a He?!)

I surfed an internet dating site recently and noticed that women were much more likely to post pictures of themselves with their profiles. Of the first 30 profiles I looked at, 100% of the women had pictures posted, compared to only 67% of the men. The number for men decreased further when you clicked onto the French profiles. I'm not sure why this might be, besides the fact that people don't want to be recognized online. Intellectual attraction is important but so is physical attraction. By concealing one's face one is only giving others a partial portrait of oneself.

Scientists say that as far as looks go people tend to surround themselves with others who they think fall within 2 points of themselves either way on a 10-point attractiveness scale. I can't say any of my exes were physically repulsive, nor have I had "ugly" friends of either gender. They all definitely fall within 2 points of one another, and I guess, of myself. Proof that Birds of a Feather Flock Together?

So while I agree that looks in and of themselves aren't important I think they are a big part of who we are, and therefore a part of our personality, not independent of it. Maybe beauty is more than skin deep after all.

Home

2005-11-09T15:30:00.000-05:00

When Vietnamese people talk about taking a trip to Vietnam they always refer to it as "going home to Vietnam". Going home. Back to The Homeland whence we came. Back to our Roots.

My last post really got me thinking more about my cultural identity, a matter of increasing importance as I've gotten older. There's no doubt that I am Canadian. I was born here, raised here, live here, and will likely die here. I speak both of the country's official languages. I don't have an accent. I am Canadian. But that's only half the story. There's a whole other side to me about which I know little. An entirely separate community with our own distinct look, language, food, costumes, customs, and traditions.

I don't know much about Vietnam. My parents don't like to talk about it. It has been almost 30 years since they left everything behind. Left a war-torn country in search of freedom. Left family and friends and history and homes. Traded their dongs for dollars, their white collars for blue. I can imagine how difficult it must have been for them and so many others like them. I admire their courage and resilience.

I've only recently begun to feel a desire to visit the country where my parents were born, and where they spent the first half of their lives. I feel a pang, a pull, when I look at pictures of the people, the landscape. I wonder what it would feel like to set foot on Vietnamese soil. Will it feel more familiar to me than to another tourist? I am proud that I am at once Canadian and Vietnamese. Even if I don't know much about being the latter, it is an inherent part of me. I respect it and hope to be able to preserve it and pass it on.

I have relatives even more "westernized" than me who, when they finally went to Vietnam, loved it so much they went back several more times. "It's like you never left, even though you've never been there before," someone once tried to explain. Another cousin told me a story about two little boys he met, aged 5 and 7, whose job it was to drive the buffalo. The older boy showed off the new uniform he got to wear as part of the job. What was I doing at 7 years old? How would my life have been different if I'd been born in Ha Noi instead of Montreal?

My aunt and uncle are going to Vietnam for the first time in almost three decades. My parents don't want to go. They are happy here. I think they left behind a lot of suffering and sadness as well, which they aren't eager to revisit. But they are glad that I want to go home someday. I'm not sure when that someday will be, but I take comfort in the knowledge that when I'm ready it will be there waiting for me. You can always go home again.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match

2005-11-07T10:30:00.000-05:00

My cousin broke the mold last year by being the first person in both our immediate and extended families to marry outside our culture. She didn't stray too far as the Husband is still asian, but I'm sure my aunt and uncle took little comfort in this fact. Though they came to love and accept him as a member of the family, in an ideal world they would have chosen differently for their daughter: preferably a Vietnamese doctor, dentist, pharmacist or computer engineer with a melodic singing voice, which he would use to serenade her during the Karaoke portion of their wedding reception.

My cousins and I are first generation Canadians & Americans. Few of us speak our native tongue and those of us who do do so with heavy North American accents. (I've often served as Interpreter between older and younger relatives.) Nevertheless, prior to the above-mentioned scandal, those who had married, including my own siblings, married within our culture. I was surprised to see a recent wedding photo of my Texan Cheerleader Cousin - who had previously had a penchant for African-American men - with her new Vietnamese husband. See? My parents crowed triumphantly. See?

How can I marry a Vietnamese guy if I don't even know any Vietnamese people? I once explained to my parents. As soon as the words were out of my mouth I wanted to eat them. Too late. That was my mother's cue to don her brocaded robes and gleefully assume the role of Village Matchmaker, much to my chagrin. I allowed her to trick me into two (completely disastrous) meetings (Why don't you come over for dinner? OH! But who could THAT be at the door?) with greasy-haired middle-aged virgins before permanently revoking her matchmaking privileges.

It's hard to enough to find a decent man of any race, much less one who speaks the same language that I (barely) speak. I am more open-minded now about the (remote) possibility of ending up with a Vietnamese Husband than I used to be, though I have yet to date an asian guy. If it happens someday then great, but what I won't do is go out looking specifically for it. This includes going to "Asian Night" at local clubs or to those that cater to primarily asian clientele. It just seems unnatural and uncomfortable and I don't see the point. My parents are doing their best to be supportive of my choices but I know they haven't given up the dream and are hoping that I'll eventually come to my senses. Until then my mom will be waiting in the wings with a string of Vietnamese dentists ready to wow me with their stainless steel implements and moving renditions of the Vietnamese national anthem.

Big Brother Is Watching

2005-11-03T22:35:00.000-05:00

A couple in a parked car called out to me as I was walking my dogs the other night. "Look threatening," I mumbled to my boys as I warily approached the vehicle. They wagged their behinds happily in response. Attack dogs they are not. Anyway, I came up to the open window and saw a small hispanic or perhaps middle eastern woman behind the wheel beside her huge black male passenger. They looked "normal" enough, whatever that means. The woman said something that I didn't catch.

"Sorry, what?" I asked (in french).

"Do you know a Big Brother?" Big Brother? I looked at her monstrous companion. Was this a trick question? Were they recruiters for Big Brothers Big Sisters of America? Somehow I doubted that.

"Uh..." I was confused.

"Where can we find a Big Brother?"

"We're not from around here..." the woman explained.

All of a sudden it clicks. I understand what they're looking for but don't know who they can call.

"Sorry, can't help you," I said, and started to walk away. Several other pedestrians passed but none were stopped. I looked down at myself, amusedly wondering why they thought I was "in the know."

Oh yeah. Who's baaaad.

Nine And A Half Weeks

2005-11-01T14:07:00.000-05:00

They sit, side by side on a bench, alone in a park, in the deepening evening light, on a warm August night, talking. Even months later she remembers everything about that moment. She wishes she could forget. They talk about his accident, examine the jagged cut on his shin. She is glad he is alright, and smiling shyly, tells him so. She shows him the scar on her knee, barely visible now more than 20 years after racing down a hill on the back of her tricycle, away from her grandfather, then tumbling onto the concrete, in the same park in which they now sat. Her grandfather is gone and the scar faded but in that instant she is six years old again. He looks at her, then reaches out and gently, tenderly traces the scar with a fingertip. She feels his touch like a burn. Feels it still. The memory makes her throat ache. How much time, she wonders, for this wound to heal?

November Rain

2005-11-01T02:00:00.000-05:00

I've been in the doldrums lately. Not sure if it was brought on by the changing seasons, fading daylight, or something else altogether. I had been riding high on a wave of positive energy for a while and have finally lost some of the wind in my sails. I'm not "depressed", cause it's not my style, but I do feel somewhat...deflated.

I tried to drown my sorrows in a good bout of shoe shopping today. I'll admit that it did give me a momentary high but at the end of the afternoon even hot new boots couldn't kick my blues to the curb. I had fun trying though.

I guess I've become a little disheartened by how fickle people are. Yes, that's the word, fickle. I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

And no, it's not PMS. Not unless PMS stands for Pensive Mental State.

Solamente Una Vez

2005-10-30T17:35:00.000-05:00

Solamente una vez
ame en la vida
Solamente una vez
y nada mas

Una vez nada mas en mi huerto
brillo la esperanza,
la esperanza que alumbra
el camino de mi soledad

Una vez nada mas
se entrega el alma
con la dulce y total renunciacion
y cuando ese milagro realiza
el prodigio de amarse
hay campanas de fiesta que cantan
en el corazón

Y cuando ese milagro realiza
el prodigio de amarse
hay campanas de fiesta que cantan
en el corazón

Feliz cumpleanos.

The Rules

2005-10-27T18:30:00.000-04:00

Now I know that when the chemistry is not there, it's just not there, and there is little that can be done about it. So this post is not so much about how to get someone to like you, but rather handy hints on how to be as inoffensive as possible. For instance, early this year I had dinner with a guy that I knew I wasn't "into", but ended up having a good time anyway. He was nice, and he was nice to me. When we parted company that evening I wasn't suddenly into him, but I wasn't as not into him as I was before we went out. In fact, I even went out with him a second time. Though it didn't end up happening in this particular case, an attraction can develop so why not do what you can in the beginning to tip the scales in your favour? It might not work out with her, but if she thinks you're great, she may introduce to one of her friends. Ah-ha!

Culling from some of my recent dating experiences, and those of my girl friends, I've compiled the following list of DOs and DON'Ts, applicable not only to first dates, but to initial interactions of any kind with the fairer sex (many of these can also apply to women).

As an afterthought I wanted to add that there's a lot to be said about a guy who is a gentleman in the company of any female, not just the one he's interested in - my friend Drew comes often comes to mind.

The New Rules of Dating: DOs and DON'Ts

1) DO be on time.

2) DO pick up the tab, especially the first time. Just be a gentleman, would you? Please don't demand that she contribute $10 for the glass of wine she had whilst you consumed your steak dinner.

3) DO pick her up instead of just meeting at the designated location.

4) DON'T talk about money: how much you have or don't have, make or would like to make.

Flashback to an actual conversation I had with a guy I'd just met:

Guy #1: "Cat, this is Guy #2. We go to school together."
Me (to Guy #2): "Nice to meet you. So, you're in the MBA program with Guy #1?"
Guy #2: "Yeah. I like money."
Me (after a pause): "Uh, OK...What's your specialization?"
Guy #2: "Finance. You make the most money."
Me (looking for the nearest exit): "Uh, right...Right. Would you excuse me for a moment?"

5) DO ask her questions about herself and DO your best to remember her answers. If you can barely recall her name, and the fact that she works...somewhere, you talked too much.

6) DO smile. Perma-grin a-la-Bozo-the-clown = creepy. A genuine toothy smile = better.

7) DON'T talk about sex, joke about sex, or mention anything remotely sexual. Save that for the second date, genius.

8) DON'T tell her that the reason you're still single is cause you're too picky. She doesn't need to know from the get-go that she's probably not good enough for you.

9) DON'T ask her what she thinks of you, or thought of when she saw you. Could you be any more self-absorbed?

10) DO keep the f*cking expletives to a minimum.

11) DO be positive. Refrain from going on and on about how much you hate anything: babies, puppies, your mom, your job, your life.

12) DO be patient and polite to the wait staff. Sending the waitress away in tears is a no-no. (This actually happened.)

13) DON'T be a tough guy. Getting into a brawl at the movies? Not cool, and kinda scary. Fear not being a good first-date emotion.

14) DON'T look at other girls, even in (what you think is) an inconspicuous way. Date over or girl safely in bathroom? Ogle away.

15) DON'T bash the ex. In fact, DON'T talk about other girls (like your hot neighbor) at all. It's just disrespectful.

16) DO maintain unwavering eye contact when she's talking to you. Those furtive little glances around the room? We see 'em.

17) DON'T look repeatedly at your watch or the clock. If you aren't having fun, don't go out with her again.

18) DON'T yawn loudly, and accompany this with a stretch and a scratch in an inappropriate place.

19) DO see her to her door, or at least inquire (ie: pretend to care) as to whether she'll be OK getting home alone. (Is it possible she'll run into a bigger loser than the one she was just with?)

20) DO be a gentleman at the end of the night. Better to go for a hug or kiss on the cheek than to assume she's into you, or that she'd give it up so easily even if she were.

Comments and additions to this list solicited!

Of course, if you never want to see the girl again and couldn't care less what she thinks of you (remind me again why you're still single? Oh right, too picky) then do the opposite of each of the above. Even after exhibiting such blatant rudeness some guys (and girls) still manage to break hearts. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen? That's for another day...

The Tribe Has Spoken

2005-10-26T11:10:00.000-04:00

A little over two years ago I got in touch with one of the 8 girls from my high school "clique", none of whom I'd seen in years. To my surprise - given my recollection of routine back-stabbing and caterwauling - she informed me that they were all still friends and in fact had dinner together every Christmas.

"Really?!" I blurted, certain that I'd detected a hint of sarcasm in her voice, "But why?"

"What do you mean, 'why?'" she sniffed.

Oops.

Curiosity getting the better of me I decided to show up for Christmas dinner that year to see whether the dynamic had, in fact, changed. It hadn't, save for a slight shuffling of loyalties. Because I'd been out of the loop for close to the last decade, and I suppose because I was sitting right there, I was thankfully not the subject of their gossip that evening. My head was spinning with all I'd witnessed by the time dinner was over.

"She did WHAT?!" one had exclaimed, appalled.

"She DIDN'T!" gasped another melodramatically.

"She DID!" Head nodding, eye contact established with each member at the table. I raised my eyebrows on cue.

"BITCH!"

"BITCH!" gaggled a chorus of voices.

Against my better judgment I made an appearance at last year's festivities. Same shit, different year. It was like the gleeful gathering of townspeople to stone a thief, except that the citizens are also known to hurtle stones at one another. I try and keep my trap shut, though it is admittedly difficult at times not to join in (pack mentality and all). I once attempted to defend their latest prey and was startled by the speed with which they immediately turned on me.

Why are we so reluctant to let go of our past - including the people directly or indirectly responsible for our sorrow? I don't think there's a single one of my high school boyfriends who didn't end up dating at least one of my friends after - sometimes during - our relationship! Kay recently asked me, "Oh, did you go out with him too?" Actually, I went out with him first, but whatever. It's easier breaking up with a boyfriend than it is breaking up with a friend. Can you tell a friend, "I don't think we should see each other anymore?"

I have friends here and there but although they casually know, or know of, one another I don't have a "gang" of friends anymore. Kay and I were complaining recently about how much we wanted a familiar group of friends, both of us having recently spent time in another's social circle, and desperate to infiltrate. (Actually, the loud-mouths I was with annoyed and embarrassed me, but I was nonetheless envious of their tight knit.) Everyone wants to feel like they belong to a group, though it makes me wonder whether things really are as rosy as they seemed from the outside or whether they too have their unspoken alliances. Who can you trust? Who will be voted off next?

I personally prefer having guy friends. But can guys and girls really be "just friends"? "They all secretly want you," stated my ex. I agree that in many guy-girl friendships there will come a time when your friendship is...tested. My last friendship did not fare so well. We were very close and got on real well. I knew he had feelings for me but I just wasn't attracted to him. Eventually I thought, Maybe I'm being too picky? Maybe I should give him a chance (ie: settle)? So I (very reluctantly) did. And...No. Big mistake. HUGE mistake. A mistake of monolithic proportions, one that led to his stalking me and my calling the police. I still mourn for the loss of that friendship sometimes but then I just have to remember his psychotic, bug-eyed declaration of "We're soul mates and we ARE going to be together!" to scare me straight. *Shudder*

So if one is looking for a social overhaul how does one go about, not just meeting new people, but taking it a step further and actually making new friends? It's those subsequent steps that are proving to be a challenge at my age. (God, I feel old.) And where and how does one meet said new people? Assuming one makes it over that initial hurdle, is it then so humbling to put oneself out there (Will you be my friend?), ask someone out for coffee, shopping, a movie? What if it's a friend of a friend? Is it inappropriate to befriend New Friend without the involvement of Old Friend? How generous are we, really, when it comes to sharing?

Married...With Children

2005-10-24T11:40:00.000-04:00

Yes, he was. He is. He was also older, confident, charming, all of which made him quite attractive. It took willpower to resist but resist I ultimately did because, as previously indicated, he was unavailable. I didn't want to be the "other woman", even for one night. This wasn't the first time I've been in such a situation and I'm sure it won't be the last.

I understand that people, especially those in long term committed relationships, still need to feel attractive and desired by the opposite sex so they'll often engage in a little "harmless" flirting. We're human beings and as such will, at some point in our lives, be attracted to other people. It's naive to think that your significant other will never look at another. Lookey but no touchey.

If, by all accounts, you have what others would consider a great relationship - you love, respect, understand and are attracted to one another, have similar values, communicate well, get along, all that fluff - there will nevertheless always be the risk of infidelity at some point in your relationship. Even the strongest relationships have their challenges and if you don't have a herculean bond to begin with...good luck to ya! So what is a girl to do? Some thoughts...

* Don't marry too young. This has as much to do with maturity as with experience. I personally think men should be at least 30, if not older.
* Don't marry your first and only boyfriend. It IS possible that he's The One but more often than not, somewhere down the line you'll think, "What if...?"
* Don't marry him if you've cheated on him multiple times in the past or vice versa. What foundation is that upon which to build a marriage?
* Once a cheater always a cheater? I don't know. But I wouldn't immediately get involved with someone who has done it once. More than once? Red flag.
* A partner who travels on business or spends nights away from home is not a good idea. Opportunity knocks.
* Suspicion breeds resentment. I don't condone blind trust but you can't keep your partner on a ridiculously short leash. Where there's a will, there's a way.

Sometimes there's nothing you can do. You can be the sweetest, smartest, sexiest and most successful person and it still won't matter. I guess the best you can do is to do your best...

What Was I Thinking?

2005-10-21T16:00:00.000-04:00

My Category-5-Flu-Warning has been downgraded to a Category-3-Miserable-Cold. Still feeling terrible but at least it's not serious. This being the fifth or sixth time I've been sick this year I shall be forced to cut back on the visits to my sister's. She has a 2 year old in daycare who is a germ magnet and no doubt the transmitter of ailments.

Given the way I feel, or rather the way I LOOK, I will not be going to that Speed Dating event tomorrow night. I know, I know, it sounds like an excuse but it will take all of 7 seconds for potential suitors to register my bloodshot eyes, red nose, blotchy skin and nasally voice and pray for the sweet release of the bell. Speed Dating seems mortifying enough without looking like the posterchild for Nyquil.

I did something really stupid yesterday. I read once that rather than calling a guy you should call his answering machine just to hear his voice and hang up before the beep. In my heavily medicated state I remembered to block my number before dialing but then punched in HIS number instead of the answering service. He answered. Oh shit. I hung up. Oh shit, did he hear me saying Oh shit?! Just. Kill. Me. Now.

I don't know what possessed me to do that. I thought I'd made so much progress but hearing his voice live for that 0.5 of a second was enough to get my insides churning again. Damn. Damn. Damn. It's okay. I nearly fell off the wagon there but I (barely) managed to right myself just in time. For such a narrow escape I still feel crushed.

Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Dopey

2005-10-19T18:11:00.000-04:00

I have the flu. I'm both hot and cold. Using up a whole box of kleenex. Doped up on medication. The bottoms of my feet hurt when I walk. Being sick is the only shitty thing about living alone. Chills and all I just walked my dogs around the neighborhood in the pouring rain. Those dogs don't know how lucky they are! I was so not in the mood to stop for Sam to sniff every tree, bush, and twig. I am a virtual puppetmaster with those flexi leashes.

Here are my boys (immediately after a grooming appointment - they look nothing like this at the moment but aren't they beautiful?) I adopted both from Petfinder.com. Can you believe people didn't want these wonderful creatures?

I'm going back to bed.