You've Come A Long Way Baby

But I realize I've still got a long ways to go. Some days are better than others. Let's just say I've had better days.

Don't think that last Monday went by unnoticed and that I didn't feel a pang thinking about Him. Last Monday marked three weeks since we last spoke and as of today it has been more than 8 weeks since we last saw one another. It's fine. I'm fine. Really. I was a zombie for the first few weeks but I turned a corner recently and most of the edge has worn off. When I called him a few weeks ago and heard his totally-oblivious and CHEERFUL outgoing message I felt sick (didn't leave a message) but it became clear to me that he has so NOT been thinking about me this WHOLE time that I was here, lying on my sofa, unable to work, staring at the ceiling, thinking about him! He doesn't deserve any more air time. No more going over and over in my mind what I did, didn't do, coulda-woulda-shoulda done. It just wasn't meant to be. And judging from the way he's behaved the last few months I wouldn't want to be with someone like that anyway, so it's just as well.

Current heartache aside, I am pleased that I am back "out there". Mac and I were together since I was 18 so I never got the opportunity to date much, except during those 6-8 months when I was abroad and he broke up with me. We were never right for each other but I outgrew him further as time went by. I changed but he stayed the same. I loved him, love him still, but knew I didn't want to marry him. I couldn't change him and I couldn't save him. Rather, he couldn't or wasn't willing to change to keep me. When I finally realized that, I knew it was over. Even if he did manage to overcome all his addictions I couldn't be with him. We're too different and love (was it love or some kind of codependence??) won't pay the bills. When I left I told him that I wanted him to kick his addictions, if not for me then for whoever he was going to end up with. I hope he finds someone who will make him want to be a better man, who make will him BE a better man. I thought leaving him would be the hardest thing I ever had to do but it wasn't. It was just...time. I wasn't angry anymore, that's how I knew. It was no one's "fault". We did the best we could.

The last 10 and a half months have been eye-opening. Dating has been an...interesting experience so far with its ups and downs but I'm happy to be single and dating at all! I know so many unhappy couples - either one or both are unhappy and it's such a sad waste of time. Life is so short and you've only got one life to live. Why be with someone who doesn't want to be with you, and ONLY you (and vice versa)? We need to be honest with ourselves and with each other, take life into our own hands, make the necessary changes and stop blaming and resenting one another. We all deserve to love and be loved that much. I won't settle for less.