Love Hurts

But does it have to? I'd forgotten just how hard it is to break up with (someone you think is) the love of your life. In fact, "break up" probably isn't the right word for anything beyond a casual relationship. "Sever" or "amputate" may be more appropriate if it is to reflect the physical pain you feel after it's all said and done, not to mention the emotional anguish when you realize he's really gone even though he still feels a part of you like some kind of ghost limb.

I remember all of Mac's and my failed breakups throughout the years. I remember how my heart physically hurt in my chest every time, how desperate and alone I felt even though I often felt the same way when we were together. It's funny how you can be miserable in a relationship and long for it to end yet almost immediately after a breakup forget why you broke up in the first place, which inevitably leads to a - sometimes reluctant - reconciliation. When you stop wanting to be with someone and instead just wish it were easier to be without him you know it's time to move on.

Romantic fools, myself included, think that our love must somehow be truer if we can't live with or without someone. Suicidal thoughts must mean that you really love someone, right? Fighting like animals but then fucking like them could be true love, couldn't it? Passionately loving someone is the only way I want to love but I really believe now that passion can exist without pain. I don't think suffering lends any authenticity or necessarily adds any depth to a relationship. When I listen to Kay crying for the millionth time over Jake I think to myself and have repeated to her: he can't possibly be The One for you. No one should have to suffer like this for "love". If anything perpetual pain cheapens love.

I try not to take sides. I don't think Jake's The One for Kay simply because he's the cause of so much pain, not because he's a bad person. And I think she's unhappy because of her own insecurities, which Jake exacerbates, sometimes through no fault of his own, but it's not fair to make him suffer too because she doesn't feel secure enough with him but is scared to leave him. You can't mistake cowardice for love.

I often think about the events that led up to my emancipation. It was nothing unusual, in fact it was much the same thing. The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, if you will, but I can't tell Kay how to do it because I stayed in my relationship almost 4 years longer than the point she's at right now. I hope it doesn't take her that long but it might cause it's not over till it's over. Every time I'd tried to leave the pain would bring me back but there was no pain this last time. It just made sense. It was a moment of clarity. I wasn't willing to wait anymore to see where the relationship could go or whether I'd even be happy when and if it ever got there. I remember thinking that I finally had the power to live my life instead of feeling like I was just a character in someone else's tragedy.

Kay and Jake have just broken up again. They had another one of their fights and broke up and as usual she thinks this time it'll stick. I know it won't but understand that she can't see it from where she's standing. I know that as long as they've been together and as much as they "love" one another they can't permanently break up because of some silly fight. The anger'll subside in an instant and just as quickly they'll be back together. If she really wants this to be over, and I think in her heart she does, she needs to make a conscious decision - no, a commitment - and just say: Enough is enough. This just isn't working anymore, as much as we want it to. I'm tired to hurting and tired of hurting you. I do love you. I'll probably always love you but I need this chapter of my life to be over. Thanks for the memories.

Yup, just like that.