The Golden Child

I remember a time, not too long ago, when the very idea of having a conversation with my parents which did not involve screaming, crying or simply enraged silence seemed proposterous. I haven't managed to purge myself of all my residual pain (at least not without therapy and/or the ingestion of massive quantities of illegal substances) but when I compare the relationship that I currently have with my parents to that of a decade ago I'm pretty amazed by how far we've come. Our relationship is far from perfect but I realized that I've judged my parents very harshly and should appreciate them, both for what they have and haven't done.

Considering that they are immigrants, about 15 years older than most of my friends' parents, and unfashionably old-fashioned, they haven't let this affect my life as much as I expected. They were very strict while I was growing up and I thought they'd continue to exert their iron will well into my adulthood but they haven't. My parents' social life is busier than my own so they're usually more preoccupied with their own lives and stay quite respectfully out of mine. They rarely pop in without warning, never ask personal questions, and if they're at all concerned about my biological clock they don't show it. In fact, I've felt pressure from everyone but my parents to settle/settle down. I knew how much they disapproved of my relationship with Mac but they never nagged me about it and never tried to break us up. Maybe that's why I voluntarily came crying to them when I decided I'd had enough and even then they never said "I told you so."

Since I was 18 my parents have let me make my own decisions and mistakes. They'd tell me what they thought but never made me feel guilty about doing it my way. I know I can go to them for help for whatever I need and that they'll support me no matter what, even if they disagree. Unlike some of my friends who complain that their parents are never satisfied I know mine have always been proud of me. Their youngest. Their Golden Child.

A friend told me recently that her parents (who are friends with mine) told her to tell me that I should visit my folks more often as their health is failing. It's true that despite an active social life both my parents have suffered mini-strokes. First my mother, who's mobility has since decreased by 80%, and then my father. While I do live only a few minutes away from them I really don't visit them that often. Our relationship may have improved but my familial home has deteriorated. I just don't feel comfortable there and my flight instinct kicks into high gear every time I'm there so that I never stay for more than an hour. But my friend's parents' comment was a wake-up call for me and I felt a little ashamed. I should spend more time with them while I still can and shouldn't need an outsider to tell me so.

I'm taking my parents to dinner tonight to a restaurant of their choice. If I don't see them at home I can at least take them out. I've also bought them each a small gift, and I've committed to dining with them once a month or so. This may seem like a normal thing to do for some but not so much for an immigrant family like mine. My older sister and brothers have certainly never done this themselves. But it's a tradition that I'd like to start. I want to show my parents how grateful I am for everything, even if I can't find the words to say it.