Love And Marriage

Single people, rejoice! Revel in the absence of unfulfilled expectations! Celebrate your freedom of speech, thought, and mobility! Delight in your detachment!

When I first moved back here my friends suggested that I stay single for at least a year, especially given the long term relationship from which I'd just emerged. I'd initially balked at the idea of choosing to be alone, until I looked around and saw an increasing number of attached people who were more lonely than ever.

I spent the weekend at friend's chalet up north with some girl friends. We had a great time cooking, eating, drinking and talking in front of the fire. I was sorry to learn that several of the girls were quite unhappy in their relationships, and one girl in particular, Laura, was having marital difficulties. What I found surprising was that the issues she described were the same concerns she had while she and her husband were dating. This is so common - I don't understand why people think their problems will magically resolve themselves or disappear once they tie the knot? Why do people faithfully jump into marriage despite recurring arguments, persistent problems, and/or nagging doubts?

I totally agree that relationships are partnerships, and that a lot of give and take, sacrifice and concession is required to make them work. The problem though is that many people tend to underestimate the importance of some of their personal values/desires, while overestimating their ability to compromise them. In other words, it's better to see eye to eye on a few critical matters than it is to agree on many less significant ones, but completely diverge on what matters most. And ideally, any issues upon which you disagree should be considered relatively minor by at least one of you so that even the problems aren't crippling.

I don't believe that Successful Couples have no problems. On the contrary, I think they earn this title by how well they work through the difficulties they encounter. It's their similar perspectives and/or compatible approaches to the obstacles that enable them to effectively maneuver them. I watched one such couple, Uchenna and Joyce, on CBS's The Amazing Race. I was in awe as they calmly and respectfully worked through each obstacle while the other pairs screamed and cursed at one another. Apparently they had been married and trying unsuccessfully to have a child for over 10 years. I remember thinking how strong they must be to have survived this ordeal and still be so obviously in love. I just checked the official site and saw that they had in fact won the race that season!! Can I call it, or what?!

I have a pretty good head on my shoulders, I think. I'm still a romantic and passionate person, but am discriminating and realistic at the same time. I am frustrated at my girl friends who constantly complain about the troubles they're having with their boyfriends, and yet somehow still talk about marrying them. How foolish and naive. Love does not conquer all, I just need to look at my own family to know this. I will not feel pressured into getting married and having children because it's "time". There are too many miserable marriages, bitter divorces, and traumatized children for this to be a legitimate reason.

I think everyone should think about how they would define a great relationship, along with a weighted list of what characteristics or values are most important to them, and then re-evaluate their current relationships against this list. Where does it fall short? By how much? It's true that love and marriage take a lot of work but at the same time it shouldn't have to be so complicated. It was predicted that I would marry a bit later in life, but that when it happened it would be forever. I hope that this will be the case. I have faith that it will.