The Rules
Now I know that when the chemistry is not there, it's just not there, and there is little that can be done about it. So this post is not so much about how to get someone to like you, but rather handy hints on how to be as inoffensive as possible. For instance, early this year I had dinner with a guy that I knew I wasn't "into", but ended up having a good time anyway. He was nice, and he was nice to me. When we parted company that evening I wasn't suddenly into him, but I wasn't as not into him as I was before we went out. In fact, I even went out with him a second time. Though it didn't end up happening in this particular case, an attraction can develop so why not do what you can in the beginning to tip the scales in your favour? It might not work out with her, but if she thinks you're great, she may introduce to one of her friends. Ah-ha!
Culling from some of my recent dating experiences, and those of my girl friends, I've compiled the following list of DOs and DON'Ts, applicable not only to first dates, but to initial interactions of any kind with the fairer sex (many of these can also apply to women).
As an afterthought I wanted to add that there's a lot to be said about a guy who is a gentleman in the company of any female, not just the one he's interested in - my friend Drew comes often comes to mind.
The New Rules of Dating: DOs and DON'Ts
1) DO be on time.
2) DO pick up the tab, especially the first time. Just be a gentleman, would you? Please don't demand that she contribute $10 for the glass of wine she had whilst you consumed your steak dinner.
3) DO pick her up instead of just meeting at the designated location.
4) DON'T talk about money: how much you have or don't have, make or would like to make.
Flashback to an actual conversation I had with a guy I'd just met:
Guy #1: "Cat, this is Guy #2. We go to school together."
Me (to Guy #2): "Nice to meet you. So, you're in the MBA program with Guy #1?"
Guy #2: "Yeah. I like money."
Me (after a pause): "Uh, OK...What's your specialization?"
Guy #2: "Finance. You make the most money."
Me (looking for the nearest exit): "Uh, right...Right. Would you excuse me for a moment?"
5) DO ask her questions about herself and DO your best to remember her answers. If you can barely recall her name, and the fact that she works...somewhere, you talked too much.
6) DO smile. Perma-grin a-la-Bozo-the-clown = creepy. A genuine toothy smile = better.
7) DON'T talk about sex, joke about sex, or mention anything remotely sexual. Save that for the second date, genius.
8) DON'T tell her that the reason you're still single is cause you're too picky. She doesn't need to know from the get-go that she's probably not good enough for you.
9) DON'T ask her what she thinks of you, or thought of when she saw you. Could you be any more self-absorbed?
10) DO keep the f*cking expletives to a minimum.
11) DO be positive. Refrain from going on and on about how much you hate anything: babies, puppies, your mom, your job, your life.
12) DO be patient and polite to the wait staff. Sending the waitress away in tears is a no-no. (This actually happened.)
13) DON'T be a tough guy. Getting into a brawl at the movies? Not cool, and kinda scary. Fear not being a good first-date emotion.
14) DON'T look at other girls, even in (what you think is) an inconspicuous way. Date over or girl safely in bathroom? Ogle away.
15) DON'T bash the ex. In fact, DON'T talk about other girls (like your hot neighbor) at all. It's just disrespectful.
16) DO maintain unwavering eye contact when she's talking to you. Those furtive little glances around the room? We see 'em.
17) DON'T look repeatedly at your watch or the clock. If you aren't having fun, don't go out with her again.
18) DON'T yawn loudly, and accompany this with a stretch and a scratch in an inappropriate place.
19) DO see her to her door, or at least inquire (ie: pretend to care) as to whether she'll be OK getting home alone. (Is it possible she'll run into a bigger loser than the one she was just with?)
20) DO be a gentleman at the end of the night. Better to go for a hug or kiss on the cheek than to assume she's into you, or that she'd give it up so easily even if she were.
Comments and additions to this list solicited!
Of course, if you never want to see the girl again and couldn't care less what she thinks of you (remind me again why you're still single? Oh right, too picky) then do the opposite of each of the above. Even after exhibiting such blatant rudeness some guys (and girls) still manage to break hearts. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen? That's for another day...
posted by Cat @ 6:30 PM
8 Comments:
Cat, you rock....
A few additions:
1. Please don't burp/fart until we get to know you.
2 If you don't like us or are not interested in a second date, its ok to tell us there was no chemistry. Disappearing or not calling again, especially if you've acted like everything went great, just is a real pain in the ass and causes more aggravation than if you would just be honest with us.
3. Flip-flops are not appropriate date apparel, unless we are on the beach. Flip-flops/sandals with socks are just a basic no-no.
4. If we decide to go to a bar or even at dinner, try to keep your alcohol consumption low. (This goes for chicks too). If you drove us to the date, but we have to drive you home, its a problem. (it happened)
5. When you show up at a girl's door for the first date with flowers, make sure they are not half-dead and brown. (it happened)
I'm sure there are sooooo many more....for both guys and chicks. Maybe we should make up a girl's list too?
In starting this list I was assuming basic manners such as not passing gas! :) One guy I dated did in fact show up to our first date in flip flops.
At least a date brought you flowers at all!
Nemo, as previously indicated, you're a catch. Marsha's was a lucky girl and she didn't even know it.
The problem is *some* guys (and girls) are careful not to make these mistakes in the presence of someone they LIKE. But when they're not interested they forget all their manners.
In the end it's not about being nice ONLY to those you're after but making ANYONE you're with feel good.
Preach on sister. So sad how so many men are oblivious to these seemingly common sense rules of dating.
Wow, I don't know if I've ever read such a reasonable list on this subject. I might quibble with #16:
16) DO maintain unwavering eye contact when she's talking to you. Those furtive little glances around the room? We see 'em.
Making eye contact frequently, and maintaining it, are certainly essential for communication, and if you're going to form any sort of bond. Some people are freaked out by "unwavering" eye contact, though. It's like the smiling. It's good, but you don't want to be creepy. Maybe that could be a play-it-like-you-feel-it rule?
Unfortunately, even if every guy in the world were to read this list, few would regard it seriously. But hey, if every guy was a gentleman on his dates, it would just make it that much harder to spot the assholes.
OK, you've got a point. Perhaps "DO maintain STEADY eye contact" would've been better, at least WHILE she's still talking.
I'm fully aware that some guys won't heed good advice. This is why this list exists at all :)
Cat, Am a B-school student in India where the female:male ratio is an abysmal 1:10! Most of the guys crib about no "hot" babes on campus but it's more a case of sour grapes. Most of them don't even realise why we girls keep away from them. Am mailing your list(hope u don't object) to the batch and hope things improve.
-Pavithra
No problem whatsoever, Pav :)
I hadn't even thought about whether the list would apply cross-culturally but I should hope so! A lady should be treated with respect no matter where she is from.
A (male) friend from France told me that my list was too strict and our "Rules" too formal but when I looked them over I thought they were all just basic manners and told him so. Just cuz women in some countries don't insist are willing to put up with rudeness doesn't mean they like it!
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