Frogs And Fairytales

Matt says my blog will suffer now that I'll no longer be complaining about my Adventures in Dating. I prefer to think the reason I've neglected my blog is because I've been on vacation, and only today officially rejoined the work force. We'll see whether this post'll make up for my absence...I do have a lot on my mind.

Hope you all had a restful holiday! My New Years Eve at Chateau Bromont, one hour SE of Montreal, was so painful it was funny. The place was crammed with French-Canadian seniors accompanied by their grandchildren. The fogies were all probably half deaf so the kids took advantage of this and started with the noisemakers at about 7pm. At midnight, instead of Auld Lang Syne the band played La Danse des Canards. Ah, good times.

The Boy, who'd gone home for New Years, returned on Monday. We've spent most of out time together since, which has been great. In my last post I talked about not being compelled to think any further into the future than tomorrow. I still feel this way and it seems that The Boy picked up on this. (He's quite perceptive, he is.) He told me he feels as though I've one foot out the door and ready to bolt at any second. He's right, of course. I'm really happy when we're together but every time we part I'm not convinced we'll see one another again.

It's not as though I haven't enjoyed the last couple days. I really have. It's lovely to be tender with someone again, especially someone as special as he is, but for some reason I'm not thinking about next week, much less next month. He, on the other hand, is looking at least as far ahead as February. In all probability we may get there but why aren't I thinking about it? Do I even want it? With JP I (thought I) did. Heck, even the Philandering Psychiatrist got the wheels turning. Why have they suddenly come to a screeching halt now?

When I fall for someone I'm used to falling hard. Some have been Good Boys and some have been Bad Boys, some have been gorgeous and some barely good-looking. It was always more about the elusive *spark* than anything and it's always been instantaneous. It can be a physical spark, an emotional spark, an intellectual spark, and/or some other inexplicable attraction that just draws you to someone, makes your heart pound, your pulse race and your stomach churn even when you're not together. I'm used to and expect the latter and it's this feeling against which all new interactions are measured, even though none of these past relationships have stood the test of time...

I am full of contradictions. I've blogged about being practical in Love and Marriage and about realistically finding The One but the truth is I still want the fairytale where I fall head over heels over someone for whom I will never think "ugh" or "ew". To believe in just being in love as opposed to falling in love. If a friend said this to me, I'd tell her to rub the sleep from her eyes. I'd tell her that a coup de foudre is possible but that true love and respect, the building blocks of enduring relationships, take time to develop. I'd encourage her to give it a chance. The Boy told me that the love is more precious when you know you can lose your partner at any moment. That it's more meaningful for two people to choose to be together rather than just stay together due to fear or a lack of options.

My sister is frustrated with me. She thinks I'm going to ruin everything with my self-sabotage and emotional irrationality and she may be right. I think I'm doing a fair job so far of going with the flow. The Boy is honestly a very unique and special person and my affections are steadily growing. So what if I'm not head over heels (yet?)? This relationship might actually have a chance in hell and teach me something in the process. Or maybe not. Maybe his flaws and foibles won't ever endear him to me and I'll indeed "dump his ass" when he gets too annoying. Maybe he'll wisen up and show me how close I am to losing him. Maybe this is what I need because I believe he'll not stick around for long if I continue to be so non-committal. How's that saying go about appreciating something more after it's gone?

I also worry about when and how to tell Mac about this. It's fairly new so I've not said anything. To be honest, a part of me is thinking that it may well be over soon so I might never have to tell him. It kinda scares and saddens me to think that I might care enough about someone else. I don't know how I'd react if he came to me with this first. Could be I'm keeping this to myself because of The Ex Factor. Even though I know it's over and could never go back, it's tough to let go completely. As long as neither of us has found someone else it's like we're still the most important person to the other. I know it's egotistical but I'm not ready to give up the throne. And, you know, when you finally tell your ex you've moved on the last thing you want is to go back later and tell them it didn't work out. Sadistic, yes, but is it so unusual to take comfort (even delight) in the fact that your ex's new flame fizzled?

I think I've blogged enough for one day! I'd put off writing for a long time because I had so much going on in my head and didn't know where to start. I feel better having laid most of it out here. I hope I don't sound whiny and ungrateful. I know (don't I?) that a good man is hard to find and my spirits have indeed been buoyed by these recent turn of events, especially considering all the frogs I've kissed. One thing I know for sure, this Boy ain't no frog. I think maybe I'm having trouble putting it all into perspective but I promise I'll work on that...