The Tribe Has Spoken

A little over two years ago I got in touch with one of the 8 girls from my high school "clique", none of whom I'd seen in years. To my surprise - given my recollection of routine back-stabbing and caterwauling - she informed me that they were all still friends and in fact had dinner together every Christmas.

"Really?!" I blurted, certain that I'd detected a hint of sarcasm in her voice, "But why?"

"What do you mean, 'why?'" she sniffed.

Oops.

Curiosity getting the better of me I decided to show up for Christmas dinner that year to see whether the dynamic had, in fact, changed. It hadn't, save for a slight shuffling of loyalties. Because I'd been out of the loop for close to the last decade, and I suppose because I was sitting right there, I was thankfully not the subject of their gossip that evening. My head was spinning with all I'd witnessed by the time dinner was over.

"She did WHAT?!" one had exclaimed, appalled.

"She DIDN'T!" gasped another melodramatically.

"She DID!" Head nodding, eye contact established with each member at the table. I raised my eyebrows on cue.

"BITCH!"

"BITCH!" gaggled a chorus of voices.

Against my better judgment I made an appearance at last year's festivities. Same shit, different year. It was like the gleeful gathering of townspeople to stone a thief, except that the citizens are also known to hurtle stones at one another. I try and keep my trap shut, though it is admittedly difficult at times not to join in (pack mentality and all). I once attempted to defend their latest prey and was startled by the speed with which they immediately turned on me.

Why are we so reluctant to let go of our past - including the people directly or indirectly responsible for our sorrow? I don't think there's a single one of my high school boyfriends who didn't end up dating at least one of my friends after - sometimes during - our relationship! Kay recently asked me, "Oh, did you go out with him too?" Actually, I went out with him first, but whatever. It's easier breaking up with a boyfriend than it is breaking up with a friend. Can you tell a friend, "I don't think we should see each other anymore?"

I have friends here and there but although they casually know, or know of, one another I don't have a "gang" of friends anymore. Kay and I were complaining recently about how much we wanted a familiar group of friends, both of us having recently spent time in another's social circle, and desperate to infiltrate. (Actually, the loud-mouths I was with annoyed and embarrassed me, but I was nonetheless envious of their tight knit.) Everyone wants to feel like they belong to a group, though it makes me wonder whether things really are as rosy as they seemed from the outside or whether they too have their unspoken alliances. Who can you trust? Who will be voted off next?

I personally prefer having guy friends. But can guys and girls really be "just friends"? "They all secretly want you," stated my ex. I agree that in many guy-girl friendships there will come a time when your friendship is...tested. My last friendship did not fare so well. We were very close and got on real well. I knew he had feelings for me but I just wasn't attracted to him. Eventually I thought, Maybe I'm being too picky? Maybe I should give him a chance (ie: settle)? So I (very reluctantly) did. And...No. Big mistake. HUGE mistake. A mistake of monolithic proportions, one that led to his stalking me and my calling the police. I still mourn for the loss of that friendship sometimes but then I just have to remember his psychotic, bug-eyed declaration of "We're soul mates and we ARE going to be together!" to scare me straight. *Shudder*

So if one is looking for a social overhaul how does one go about, not just meeting new people, but taking it a step further and actually making new friends? It's those subsequent steps that are proving to be a challenge at my age. (God, I feel old.) And where and how does one meet said new people? Assuming one makes it over that initial hurdle, is it then so humbling to put oneself out there (Will you be my friend?), ask someone out for coffee, shopping, a movie? What if it's a friend of a friend? Is it inappropriate to befriend New Friend without the involvement of Old Friend? How generous are we, really, when it comes to sharing?