About A Boy

I'm being so lazy, ya'll. I've been unofficially on vacation since Dec. 19, and officially on vacation until Jan. 5. Before you know it the holidays will be over and I'll have the rest of next year stretching infinitely before me. But maybe the next couple weeks/months won't be so bad, hmm?

Indeed my mind has been preoccupied with (happy) thoughts of The Boy recently. We met for the first time last week and then (long story) actually spent Christmas Eve together, which wasn't strange at all, only strangely comforting. We were both supposed to be out of town but ended up staying in together. It was more than a lovely time. We have such a rapport, it's like we've known one another for years even though we barely just met. He often articulates my exact thoughts. It's uncanny and unsettling but quite profound.

This is unlike anything I've experienced before. It feels slower, more deliberate, less frenetic, but more grounded. For once I'm not foolishly looking far into the future. I don't even have to remind myself not to, it just doesn't seem fitting. It feels more natural to just savour each moment and look forward to tomorrow. I don't know how long he'll be in my life but I'm sure I'm going to enjoy the ride. I couldn't have asked for a better way to end the year.

Club Kids

I was never one. In fact, I had never frequented dance clubs with any regularity until this year, so at 27 I'm more than a late bloomer. I only recently got a serious glimpse into this other world when I met Manu, Lora and Jules. They are hardcore, baby. When I first met them, I liked them a lot. They seemed like so much fun, and they are, and I do like them but I realized that I can't (and don't want to) keep up with them despite being several years younger.

The Club Scene is something I knew nothing about. I had an inkling of its existence but had no idea what was involved. It's a world of introductions, connections, shmoozing, name dropping, VIP lists, cutting in line, and getting in for free. At the entrance of the last club we went to Manu mumbled to me, "Introduce yourself" to the girl at the door. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Hell, I'd rather pay the pithy cover than try and befriend a stranger who knows exactly why I'm being so chatty.

The Three Muskateers party hard and often. Too much for my taste but on occasion it's definitely entertaining. These guys dance to everything and for hours - typically until closing. They are some of the best dancers I've ever seen. Two are latin and ooze sensuality, which attracts a lot of attention on the dance floor. Lora's moves especially act as a (sleazy)dude magnet. They're also known to go home with people they meet in clubs. One-night-standers...I thought they were Urban Legends.

I'd been planning on spending New Years Day with Manu and Lora at an After Hours club but I've since reconsidered. I'd gone to The Cross this summer while in London and saw some funky shit but apparently Montreal After Hours are pretty unique. Indeed I was told that it's not unusual to see couples openly engaging in all sorts of explicit acts. Everyone is on something in order to dance all night. I guess it's the combination of drugs and atmosphere that give people carte blanche to do things they wouldn't normally do. The only thing that gave me pause was the fact that I might be left to fend for myself (and get myself home) if either Manu or Lora hook up and leave without me.

Even though it's not my scene I'd like to see what it's all about. I'm sure I'll never return so why not go on the best day of the year. January 1st is going to be the wildest party yet. Manu and Lora will want to enjoy their night without having to babysit me so I won't go unless I'm sure I won't be in their way. I'd just better prepare myself to see some wack stuff. We all have a bad side (don't we?) that is tickled by taboo. I'm curious to at least observe what goes on, but not necessarily participate in anything myself (though admittedly the temptation and opportunity will be there).

I've still got a week to think about it. Worse comes to worse I can just leave and grab a cab if anything makes me uneasy. I think sometimes we feel uncomfortable because we think we should be uncomfortable, because we are ashamed or embarrassed by being attracted to that which, in everyday life, we've been told we shouldn't be. Will it be different to be in an environment where you know you won't be judged and are in fact just behaving in the same way as others around you? Dance like no one's watching except you know (and like) that they are?

Chemistry Test

No matter what I tell myself, it's impossible not to be excited about the possibility of finding someone. Dating this past year has been fun but I can't say I'm looking forward to another year (or more) of it. I can't say I'm looking for a long term relationship either unless someone really spectacular were to come along, but the next few months with someone special would really hit the spot (no pun intended).

I think it's cocky to say that one is "picky" when it comes to choosing a partner. I just have my preferences, which I think are specific enough to dramatically ease the flow of suitable men my way to a mere trickle. It's not even a conscious choice. If they don't have the IT factor, I'm not interested. I don't have a "type". It's more about their character and personality than their look. Unfortunately, the good looking ones think/know they're all that and usually aren't very intellectually sharp. I'll admit I tend to discriminate against handsome men. They just don't surprise me too often.

But this one has surprised me. He's tipped me momentarily off my feet, and I'm either going to fall into his arms or into the abyss of disappointment. So far so good. Though I've been remotely interested in three people this year, I was only truly excited by JP, and we all know how that turned out. This one seems a lot like me. In fact, he seems more "me" than anyone I've ever met. Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing I've no idea, but it makes for some looong, hilarious, eye-opening, intense conversations. And yes, he's hot to boot...at least from what I've seen.

That's right, I haven't actually met him. I hope I like him as much in person as I have thus far. The first guy I met this way (a smart and sexy psychiatrist) I ended up dating for a few months. I knew I'd like him and I did. It was just a matter of transfering my liking from a voice/picture to an actual body. Some people use the first couple dates as a filter but that's not really how I work. The ones that get a first date are already better than the rest. (Last Dateboy slipped under the radar - blame it on boredom.) Unless this guy has some kind of facial tick or gruesome deformity chances are I'll probably like him. I just wonder whether he'll feel the same way.

I am reluctant to meet, even though I know he wants to. That's what sucks about chatting and talking on the phone for so long. It creates this involuntary expectation and anticipation, and I don't want to disappoint or be disappointed. I know I'm contradicting myself. I should have more confidence in myself and my "filtration process", but at times like these all your insecurities flare up like a bad case of acne, and you start to doubt yourself no matter how brilliant and a catch you really are. I guess you can be all of these things and still not have chemistry with someone. You can't fake that shit. I should know, I failed Chemistry miserably my first year in college.

So I guess we'll see...He leaves on Friday to spend the holidays back home with family and won't be back until after New Year. So if I don't meet him this week it won't be for a few more weeks. I guess it's pointless to drag this out any longer. Might as well find out now instead of wasting the next couple weeks thinking about it. Hell, if it doesn't work out I've always got Bromont, right?

Yellow Bird

Not many people I know have dated outside their race, my own friends included. I myself have never even dated within my race, but that's not really the norm. Just like everyone else, when I like someone or consider dating someone I'll wonder whether I'll be their type, not just personality-wise but, frankly, colour-wise. Because, let's face it, I'm not white. And it's not like I want to be something other than what I am, but I can't forget about this fundamental difference that is so visible to the naked eye.

People wonder all the time what their future spouse will be like. But do you wonder what race they'll be? I do. It's probably my number one question. The ensuing life I'd have with a caucasian man would be quite different from the one I'd have if I married a Vietnamese man or an asian man. Heck, the wedding itself would be radically affected. And don't even get me started on the kids, what they'll look like, what language they'll speak. It makes it almost impossible to daydream about the future or The One when the alternatives are so different.

White friends of mine will sometimes talk about setting me up with white friends of theirs. And at the back of my mind a small voice always wonders whether "asian" will be the guy's type. Because it's simply not true that all guys like asian women. Or at least be willing to date them versus just getting erotic massages or lapdances from them. A married acquaintance of mine actually told me that he liked me and that he'd never been with an asian woman before! Does my being asian have anything to do with his liking me? I certainly have no interest in being his token exotic asian mistress.

While I was in France I dated a really nice french guy. I won't even call him "open minded" because he never made me feel "different" from him in any way. But I sure felt it when I went to Normandy with him for Easter with his family. It's hard to describe what happened and how I felt. His grandparents weren't condescending as such. In fact, they seemed charmed by my asian-ness. They (unintentionally) made me feel as though everything about me was so interesting and unique. I think they even launched into a discussion on race relations and political correctness in France and pointedly asked me how I felt about it just so I could see how unracist and accepting they were of me. I may as well have just stepped away from the rice fields and off the boat.

It's funny, when I meet someone new, they'll usually ask me where I'm "from", but you don't think to ask that of Random White People that you meet. I know telling them I was born and raised in Montreal and that I'm Canadian won't answer their question. A guy I knew, once again in some feeble attempt at making me feel comfortable, once told me completely out of the blue "I don't see colour" and then later, "I'm so colour-blind." Huh? I almost gagged and rolled my eyes when he wasn't looking. Unless you're colour blind, you see colour.

I guess in the same way that I wonder whether white guys will like me because I'm asian, white guys will sometimes wonder whether I'll date them because they're not asian. In fact, I've had guys ask me before whether I only date asian men. Do white guys ever think they're my token white arm candy? Did you know that white people make more money teaching english overseas than their asian counterparts, regardless of actual speaking and teaching ability? It's like reverse racism...crazy.

Anyway, this wasn't a rant or anything. I just felt like thinking aloud on this topic. I know when I tried explaining some of this to my white friends they were really surprised and admitted that there's a lot I think about that they've never had to consider before. You probably won't see sitcoms about asian families popping up any time soon (Margaret Cho had a short-lived one, didn't she?), however I have noticed an increasing number of asians newscasters, which - I can't help it - makes me puff up my chest with pride. Betty Nguyen (on CNN), you go girl!

The Single Woman And The Drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

• A half-gallon of 2% milk
  
• A carton of eggs
  
• A quart of orange juice
  
• A head of romaine lettuce
  
• A 2 lb. can of coffee
  
• And a 1 lb. package of bacon
  

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

What Women Want

What I Want in a Man, ORIGINAL List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, REVISED List (Age 32):

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, REVISED List (Age 42):

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, REVISED List (Age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, REVISED List (Age 62):

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, REVISED List (Age 72):

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Holiday Cheer

I'm on vacation this week. Unfortunately, my finances are such that I am unable to jet off to some sunny destination to laze on the beach. Instead, I am freezing my expanding ass off in the city. My only New Year's Resolution this year is to drag said-fat-ass back to the gym.

Speaking of New Years...not sure what I'm doing yet. I'd love to hear what the rest of ya'll have planned. Some people Kay and I know are spending the weekend at a ski chalet. It's a bit pricey but it sounds nice and will give us an opportunity to dress up for dinner. I'd prefer to spend a laid back NYE with Jay, Drew and company but Kay isn't thrilled about the "& co." part. She's been a good friend to me this year and I can't imagine ringing in the new year without her so Chateau Bromont it will probably be. I'll finally get to meet Al, some dude that they've been trying to hook me up with for ages. He's supposedly great, except for his receding hairline.

I hadn't gone dancing in a while so went out over the weekend, despite a (literal) pain in the neck. Salon Daome was every bit as fab as I'd heard. Unfortunately, I had to leave a little over two hours later because, genius that I am, I drank after taking muscle relaxants for my neck, and got violently ill. Thankfully the club is only two blocks from home. I still had a blast and am planning on going back this Saturday with my new friends. They are so much fun. They even invited me to party with them on New Years Day at Stereo, an after hours nightclub. I can't wait!!!

I'm 27. I figure I have at most a few years left of unadulterated, unabashed merry-making before I really have to sober up, buckle down and marry up. I reassure myself that at least I've got a head start: I own my own home, I have fur-kids, a well-paying full-time bore, I mean, JOB, pay taxes and invest in RRSPs. By day I'm Martha-fucking-Stewart. Although you ever notice how Martha Stewart is a big boozer? She spikes all her holiday recipes with liquor.

I have a crush of my neighbor. She's, like, from Romania or some other Eastern European country where they spit out gorgeous fat-free girls with scrubbed faces. What the hell is in their water?! She's an artist and lives in the penthouse with her suit-clad husband, a blond adonis from my high school that all the girls swooned over. And she's NICE. Cruel, cruel fate.

Why Men Love Bitches

My friend Kay is a real bitch, and I mean that as a compliment. You'll never see Kay sitting by the phone willing for it to ring. She may (or may not) return a man's calls, but is unlikely to initiate one to him in the first place. She won't drop everything to see a man. She won't ask a guy out, and if she thinks he's calling at the last minute to ask her out she simply won't pick up. A guy she knew, who had once promised to call and never did, had the audacity to ask for her number again saying he'd lost it. She politely refused. That's right, I said politely. Kay may be a bitch, but she's a damn nice one.

Some would call this a game. But it's not, at least not to her. She doesn't deliberately and purposefully ignore men to get them to pursue her, but the end result is the same. They do - at least the ones who really want her. She doesn't bother with the ones that don't. Kay doesn't make things too easy for men. Those not willing to make the effort, go the extra mile, are weeded out. She doesn't need to reject anyone, the weak simply takes themselves out of the equation, and only the strongest survive. Natural Selection. Survival of the Fittest.

And it doesn't end there, oh no. The ones who make it to Round 2 aren't necessarily guaranteed her affections, though they receive marginally more attention than their fallen comrades. She continues to challenge them, and in this way further eliminates those who pursued her purely for sport. Some women get the first part right. They let men chase them, but then high off of the attention they quickly succumb. Game over. Kay keeps them on their toes and believe me, the chosen few feel mighty special to be in her company. They don't get it all right up front, and thus they appreciate it more. No man feels as though he has 100% hold on her so he doesn't get lazy. He knows he can't walk all over her and get away with it.

Like I said, Kay doesn't do any of this "on purpose". She argues that she is overly protective because of a fear of rejection. If this is the case, then we should all be blessed with this affliction. OK, I'm kidding. But seriously, we all have this fear of abandonment. It's primal and it's real. But unlike Kay this same fear leads many of us to behave desperately, and desperate behaviour, especially early on in a courtship or relationship, signals that we don't place a high value on ourselves because already we are prepared to deal our best card. While Kay's way is great at the outset to ensure only the ones who really like her remain, her fear of rejection does give her an excessively heavy foot, which will sometimes drive even the most well-intentioned ones away. Make no mistake, Kay is an expert game-player and oftentimes its the boys who want to play. The men, real men, are smart enough to not even bother.

Books like The Rules seek to give women a strict list of "Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right". I think this book was written tongue in cheek and, if read with this in mind, makes a lot of sense. It encourages women to be happy, confident, and too busy pursuing their own goals to care whether he calls or not, to stop making excuses for him when he doesn't call. Kay is loosely A Rules Girl, but not because she tries to be. In the end, it's not about following a set of rules. The only rule to remember is to love and respect yourself. Don't let yours be a relationship of convenience. Don't waste your time loving someone who doesn't love you back. Go ahead, be a bitch, as long as B.I.T.C.H. stands for Babe In Total Control of Herself.

Fridate Night

I went on a date Friday night (my first "official" one since the stint with JP, the cop) and actually had a nice time. We exceeded the recommended duration for a first date by about two and a half hours, though I'm well aware that this is not necessarily indicative of any relationship potential. I hope that makes me sound realistic and not pessimistic...

I was pretty disillusioned by my experience with JP, so much so that I never wrote about what happened, and chase it out of my mind whenever I think about it. I admit that it has affected me, the way I see things, and the way I approach similar situations. I am more cautious now and perhaps a little less forgiving. If I act like I don't care then maybe, just maybe, I'll be less disappointed if things don't work out. So no more detailed description of the evening's events, no more overanalysis of our conversation, no more premature fantasies. The only thing I know for sure is that I don't know anything for sure. That, and the fact that I'm not the best actress.

I'd like to see him again, but I'm not going to call, nor am I going to email. If it ends here, so be it. This is a somewhat difficult stand to take seeing how he is only the third in a long line of people I met this year to actually peak my interest, but I need to know that it is reciprocated before making any grand overtures. Men are not that complicated. If he's into me he'll let me know it, starting with a simple phone call. No sleuthing required. (Incidentally, why is it that the ones we want never want us?!) If he's interested, he'll call. If not? Mystery solved.