Solamente Una Vez

Solamente una vez
ame en la vida
Solamente una vez
y nada mas

Una vez nada mas en mi huerto
brillo la esperanza,
la esperanza que alumbra
el camino de mi soledad

Una vez nada mas
se entrega el alma
con la dulce y total renunciacion
y cuando ese milagro realiza
el prodigio de amarse
hay campanas de fiesta que cantan
en el corazón

Y cuando ese milagro realiza
el prodigio de amarse
hay campanas de fiesta que cantan
en el corazón

Feliz cumpleanos.

The Rules

Now I know that when the chemistry is not there, it's just not there, and there is little that can be done about it. So this post is not so much about how to get someone to like you, but rather handy hints on how to be as inoffensive as possible. For instance, early this year I had dinner with a guy that I knew I wasn't "into", but ended up having a good time anyway. He was nice, and he was nice to me. When we parted company that evening I wasn't suddenly into him, but I wasn't as not into him as I was before we went out. In fact, I even went out with him a second time. Though it didn't end up happening in this particular case, an attraction can develop so why not do what you can in the beginning to tip the scales in your favour? It might not work out with her, but if she thinks you're great, she may introduce to one of her friends. Ah-ha!

Culling from some of my recent dating experiences, and those of my girl friends, I've compiled the following list of DOs and DON'Ts, applicable not only to first dates, but to initial interactions of any kind with the fairer sex (many of these can also apply to women).

As an afterthought I wanted to add that there's a lot to be said about a guy who is a gentleman in the company of any female, not just the one he's interested in - my friend Drew comes often comes to mind.

The New Rules of Dating: DOs and DON'Ts

1) DO be on time.

2) DO pick up the tab, especially the first time. Just be a gentleman, would you? Please don't demand that she contribute $10 for the glass of wine she had whilst you consumed your steak dinner.

3) DO pick her up instead of just meeting at the designated location.

4) DON'T talk about money: how much you have or don't have, make or would like to make.

Flashback to an actual conversation I had with a guy I'd just met:

Guy #1: "Cat, this is Guy #2. We go to school together."
Me (to Guy #2): "Nice to meet you. So, you're in the MBA program with Guy #1?"
Guy #2: "Yeah. I like money."
Me (after a pause): "Uh, OK...What's your specialization?"
Guy #2: "Finance. You make the most money."
Me (looking for the nearest exit): "Uh, right...Right. Would you excuse me for a moment?"

5) DO ask her questions about herself and DO your best to remember her answers. If you can barely recall her name, and the fact that she works...somewhere, you talked too much.

6) DO smile. Perma-grin a-la-Bozo-the-clown = creepy. A genuine toothy smile = better.

7) DON'T talk about sex, joke about sex, or mention anything remotely sexual. Save that for the second date, genius.

8) DON'T tell her that the reason you're still single is cause you're too picky. She doesn't need to know from the get-go that she's probably not good enough for you.

9) DON'T ask her what she thinks of you, or thought of when she saw you. Could you be any more self-absorbed?

10) DO keep the f*cking expletives to a minimum.

11) DO be positive. Refrain from going on and on about how much you hate anything: babies, puppies, your mom, your job, your life.

12) DO be patient and polite to the wait staff. Sending the waitress away in tears is a no-no. (This actually happened.)

13) DON'T be a tough guy. Getting into a brawl at the movies? Not cool, and kinda scary. Fear not being a good first-date emotion.

14) DON'T look at other girls, even in (what you think is) an inconspicuous way. Date over or girl safely in bathroom? Ogle away.

15) DON'T bash the ex. In fact, DON'T talk about other girls (like your hot neighbor) at all. It's just disrespectful.

16) DO maintain unwavering eye contact when she's talking to you. Those furtive little glances around the room? We see 'em.

17) DON'T look repeatedly at your watch or the clock. If you aren't having fun, don't go out with her again.

18) DON'T yawn loudly, and accompany this with a stretch and a scratch in an inappropriate place.

19) DO see her to her door, or at least inquire (ie: pretend to care) as to whether she'll be OK getting home alone. (Is it possible she'll run into a bigger loser than the one she was just with?)

20) DO be a gentleman at the end of the night. Better to go for a hug or kiss on the cheek than to assume she's into you, or that she'd give it up so easily even if she were.

Comments and additions to this list solicited!

Of course, if you never want to see the girl again and couldn't care less what she thinks of you (remind me again why you're still single? Oh right, too picky) then do the opposite of each of the above. Even after exhibiting such blatant rudeness some guys (and girls) still manage to break hearts. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen? That's for another day...

The Tribe Has Spoken

A little over two years ago I got in touch with one of the 8 girls from my high school "clique", none of whom I'd seen in years. To my surprise - given my recollection of routine back-stabbing and caterwauling - she informed me that they were all still friends and in fact had dinner together every Christmas.

"Really?!" I blurted, certain that I'd detected a hint of sarcasm in her voice, "But why?"

"What do you mean, 'why?'" she sniffed.

Oops.

Curiosity getting the better of me I decided to show up for Christmas dinner that year to see whether the dynamic had, in fact, changed. It hadn't, save for a slight shuffling of loyalties. Because I'd been out of the loop for close to the last decade, and I suppose because I was sitting right there, I was thankfully not the subject of their gossip that evening. My head was spinning with all I'd witnessed by the time dinner was over.

"She did WHAT?!" one had exclaimed, appalled.

"She DIDN'T!" gasped another melodramatically.

"She DID!" Head nodding, eye contact established with each member at the table. I raised my eyebrows on cue.

"BITCH!"

"BITCH!" gaggled a chorus of voices.

Against my better judgment I made an appearance at last year's festivities. Same shit, different year. It was like the gleeful gathering of townspeople to stone a thief, except that the citizens are also known to hurtle stones at one another. I try and keep my trap shut, though it is admittedly difficult at times not to join in (pack mentality and all). I once attempted to defend their latest prey and was startled by the speed with which they immediately turned on me.

Why are we so reluctant to let go of our past - including the people directly or indirectly responsible for our sorrow? I don't think there's a single one of my high school boyfriends who didn't end up dating at least one of my friends after - sometimes during - our relationship! Kay recently asked me, "Oh, did you go out with him too?" Actually, I went out with him first, but whatever. It's easier breaking up with a boyfriend than it is breaking up with a friend. Can you tell a friend, "I don't think we should see each other anymore?"

I have friends here and there but although they casually know, or know of, one another I don't have a "gang" of friends anymore. Kay and I were complaining recently about how much we wanted a familiar group of friends, both of us having recently spent time in another's social circle, and desperate to infiltrate. (Actually, the loud-mouths I was with annoyed and embarrassed me, but I was nonetheless envious of their tight knit.) Everyone wants to feel like they belong to a group, though it makes me wonder whether things really are as rosy as they seemed from the outside or whether they too have their unspoken alliances. Who can you trust? Who will be voted off next?

I personally prefer having guy friends. But can guys and girls really be "just friends"? "They all secretly want you," stated my ex. I agree that in many guy-girl friendships there will come a time when your friendship is...tested. My last friendship did not fare so well. We were very close and got on real well. I knew he had feelings for me but I just wasn't attracted to him. Eventually I thought, Maybe I'm being too picky? Maybe I should give him a chance (ie: settle)? So I (very reluctantly) did. And...No. Big mistake. HUGE mistake. A mistake of monolithic proportions, one that led to his stalking me and my calling the police. I still mourn for the loss of that friendship sometimes but then I just have to remember his psychotic, bug-eyed declaration of "We're soul mates and we ARE going to be together!" to scare me straight. *Shudder*

So if one is looking for a social overhaul how does one go about, not just meeting new people, but taking it a step further and actually making new friends? It's those subsequent steps that are proving to be a challenge at my age. (God, I feel old.) And where and how does one meet said new people? Assuming one makes it over that initial hurdle, is it then so humbling to put oneself out there (Will you be my friend?), ask someone out for coffee, shopping, a movie? What if it's a friend of a friend? Is it inappropriate to befriend New Friend without the involvement of Old Friend? How generous are we, really, when it comes to sharing?

Married...With Children

Yes, he was. He is. He was also older, confident, charming, all of which made him quite attractive. It took willpower to resist but resist I ultimately did because, as previously indicated, he was unavailable. I didn't want to be the "other woman", even for one night. This wasn't the first time I've been in such a situation and I'm sure it won't be the last.

I understand that people, especially those in long term committed relationships, still need to feel attractive and desired by the opposite sex so they'll often engage in a little "harmless" flirting. We're human beings and as such will, at some point in our lives, be attracted to other people. It's naive to think that your significant other will never look at another. Lookey but no touchey.

If, by all accounts, you have what others would consider a great relationship - you love, respect, understand and are attracted to one another, have similar values, communicate well, get along, all that fluff - there will nevertheless always be the risk of infidelity at some point in your relationship. Even the strongest relationships have their challenges and if you don't have a herculean bond to begin with...good luck to ya! So what is a girl to do? Some thoughts...

* Don't marry too young. This has as much to do with maturity as with experience. I personally think men should be at least 30, if not older.
* Don't marry your first and only boyfriend. It IS possible that he's The One but more often than not, somewhere down the line you'll think, "What if...?"
* Don't marry him if you've cheated on him multiple times in the past or vice versa. What foundation is that upon which to build a marriage?
* Once a cheater always a cheater? I don't know. But I wouldn't immediately get involved with someone who has done it once. More than once? Red flag.
* A partner who travels on business or spends nights away from home is not a good idea. Opportunity knocks.
* Suspicion breeds resentment. I don't condone blind trust but you can't keep your partner on a ridiculously short leash. Where there's a will, there's a way.

Sometimes there's nothing you can do. You can be the sweetest, smartest, sexiest and most successful person and it still won't matter. I guess the best you can do is to do your best...

What Was I Thinking?

My Category-5-Flu-Warning has been downgraded to a Category-3-Miserable-Cold. Still feeling terrible but at least it's not serious. This being the fifth or sixth time I've been sick this year I shall be forced to cut back on the visits to my sister's. She has a 2 year old in daycare who is a germ magnet and no doubt the transmitter of ailments.

Given the way I feel, or rather the way I LOOK, I will not be going to that Speed Dating event tomorrow night. I know, I know, it sounds like an excuse but it will take all of 7 seconds for potential suitors to register my bloodshot eyes, red nose, blotchy skin and nasally voice and pray for the sweet release of the bell. Speed Dating seems mortifying enough without looking like the posterchild for Nyquil.

I did something really stupid yesterday. I read once that rather than calling a guy you should call his answering machine just to hear his voice and hang up before the beep. In my heavily medicated state I remembered to block my number before dialing but then punched in HIS number instead of the answering service. He answered. Oh shit. I hung up. Oh shit, did he hear me saying Oh shit?! Just. Kill. Me. Now.

I don't know what possessed me to do that. I thought I'd made so much progress but hearing his voice live for that 0.5 of a second was enough to get my insides churning again. Damn. Damn. Damn. It's okay. I nearly fell off the wagon there but I (barely) managed to right myself just in time. For such a narrow escape I still feel crushed.

Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Dopey

I have the flu. I'm both hot and cold. Using up a whole box of kleenex. Doped up on medication. The bottoms of my feet hurt when I walk. Being sick is the only shitty thing about living alone. Chills and all I just walked my dogs around the neighborhood in the pouring rain. Those dogs don't know how lucky they are! I was so not in the mood to stop for Sam to sniff every tree, bush, and twig. I am a virtual puppetmaster with those flexi leashes.

Here are my boys (immediately after a grooming appointment - they look nothing like this at the moment but aren't they beautiful?) I adopted both from Petfinder.com. Can you believe people didn't want these wonderful creatures?



I'm going back to bed.

You've Come A Long Way Baby

But I realize I've still got a long ways to go. Some days are better than others. Let's just say I've had better days.

Don't think that last Monday went by unnoticed and that I didn't feel a pang thinking about Him. Last Monday marked three weeks since we last spoke and as of today it has been more than 8 weeks since we last saw one another. It's fine. I'm fine. Really. I was a zombie for the first few weeks but I turned a corner recently and most of the edge has worn off. When I called him a few weeks ago and heard his totally-oblivious and CHEERFUL outgoing message I felt sick (didn't leave a message) but it became clear to me that he has so NOT been thinking about me this WHOLE time that I was here, lying on my sofa, unable to work, staring at the ceiling, thinking about him! He doesn't deserve any more air time. No more going over and over in my mind what I did, didn't do, coulda-woulda-shoulda done. It just wasn't meant to be. And judging from the way he's behaved the last few months I wouldn't want to be with someone like that anyway, so it's just as well.

Current heartache aside, I am pleased that I am back "out there". Mac and I were together since I was 18 so I never got the opportunity to date much, except during those 6-8 months when I was abroad and he broke up with me. We were never right for each other but I outgrew him further as time went by. I changed but he stayed the same. I loved him, love him still, but knew I didn't want to marry him. I couldn't change him and I couldn't save him. Rather, he couldn't or wasn't willing to change to keep me. When I finally realized that, I knew it was over. Even if he did manage to overcome all his addictions I couldn't be with him. We're too different and love (was it love or some kind of codependence??) won't pay the bills. When I left I told him that I wanted him to kick his addictions, if not for me then for whoever he was going to end up with. I hope he finds someone who will make him want to be a better man, who make will him BE a better man. I thought leaving him would be the hardest thing I ever had to do but it wasn't. It was just...time. I wasn't angry anymore, that's how I knew. It was no one's "fault". We did the best we could.

The last 10 and a half months have been eye-opening. Dating has been an...interesting experience so far with its ups and downs but I'm happy to be single and dating at all! I know so many unhappy couples - either one or both are unhappy and it's such a sad waste of time. Life is so short and you've only got one life to live. Why be with someone who doesn't want to be with you, and ONLY you (and vice versa)? We need to be honest with ourselves and with each other, take life into our own hands, make the necessary changes and stop blaming and resenting one another. We all deserve to love and be loved that much. I won't settle for less.

What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid?

I would leave my troubled live-in boyfriend of 7.5 years, quit my secure well-paying job in a huge corporation, move back to my hometown 600 kilometres away with our two dogs, buy my first home in one weekend, call up old friends hoping they'd want to hang out with me, and start dating again. Oh yeah, I did all that.

"When You Move Beyond Your Fear, You Feel Free."

I have never felt more liberated.

Now luckily I didn't have to quit my job because miraculously and coincidentally my then-boss mentioned that if I ever wanted to move back to my hometown I could keep my job and she would support the move. This was a mere few days before the fight I was to have with my then-boyfriend, which I decided was going to be the LAST fight we'd ever have because the relationship was over and I was leaving. I came back after the weekend and said YES! to the transfer before I could change my mind. And good thing I did because shortly thereafter my boss decided to leave the company and the new VP didn't mince words in telling me that he was not pleased that I was moving but that it had already been approved. That's right, SUCKA!

Talk about the stars being aligned. What's more, around that time I found a book on a shelf at the office called "Who Moved My Cheese? An A-Mazing Way to Deal with Change In Your Work and in Your Life" by Dr. Spencer Johnson. It's a fun, easy read, and really motivated and encouraged me to venture, not fearlessly, back into "the maze" in pursuit of what I really wanted for myself. I was scared shitless but I kept asking myself "What Would I Do if I Weren't Afraid?" What would YOU do?

Yes, it took me almost 8 years to end my relationship, take my life back into my own hands and start living it but better late than never as they say. (Now that I've got my personal life sorted it's time to tackle my dissatisfaction at work.) Judging from all the unhappiness I see and feel around me I am grateful that I was given the opportunity to completely change the course of my life and that I was able to Carpe Diem before it was too late.

"The Quicker You Let Go of Old Cheese, The Sooner You Find New Cheese"

Your "cheese" is out there. Go and get it!

Party's Over

Sigh, almost Monday again. Last night's Plateau party was alright, though seriously lacking in heterosexual bachelors. I was absolutely amazed by the "condo" though you can hardly call it that as it is well over 2000 square feet. The interior was completely renoved and ultra modern. The owner of the upstairs condo even showed us around his place, which was even more spectacular. I imagine the space alone cost upwards of $300K not including renovations. How nice to be live in such an old neighborhood and still have such modern interiors. Gorgeous. I hope to be able to afford something like that one day (yeah right). Both home owners are 35 so I've got a few years to catch up (not that I'm complaining - my 800 square foot condo continues to be my pride and joy). One of them was a corporate lawyer.

Speaking of careers...I think I will go back to school and do a certificate in Human Resources at McGill U. I will forever regret that I didn't choose that as my major instead of Marketing. Back then I thought I wanted to go into advertising (ugh) and marketing seemed like the right choice. I guess I've always known I am more suited to HR. The problem is that I've more than 6 year of marketing experience at this point and 0 years of generalist HR experience. I may just have to start at the bottom. Val says that she's sure I'll quickly be promoted but I'm not sure I'll be willing to take the pay cut...I really feel as though it's the right thing to do though.

It's the Age of Aquarius and change is imminent for everyone. I am definitely starting to feel like the Ascendent-Aquarius that I am. They say that you only start behaving more like your rising sign as you approach the age of 30 so I'm not surprised that I'm starting to feel and behave so differently than my usual self. This has been a really good thing!

A Step in the Right Direction

OK, so I was all ready to send my boss an email when she called me for input into our employee satisfaction survey. I tried to be as honest as I could without shooting myself in the foot. Then I took the opportunity to launch into my rehearsed speech about wanting a raise. Surprisingly she reacted very positively telling me that she was glad I mentioned it and that she was going to talk to HR about it. I was happy but at the same time she makes it seem like it's totally in HR's hands and that her role is of "messenger" when in reality she totally has the ability to make it happen. I am hoping she'll have good news for me next week. At least I spoke to her about it, a step in the right direction, etc. etc., which I hope shows some initiative on my part. We'll see...

TGIF

And thank god for Tylenol. Had more than just a bit of a hangover this morning. The sight of my half-full (half empty?) wine glass on the counter made me cringe. I've got nothing edible in the apartment (note to self: go grocery shopping!) and my stomach is seriously unhappy so I'm going to run to the corner (in the rain) and pick up some bread at the portugese bakery. Gotta love the Plateau. There's a bakery or rotisserie on every corner!

It's been a quiet day "at the office". My boss canceled the one meeting we had this afternoon. Her schedule's showing Busy until 4pm today. As I suspected I've lost some of my nerve in approaching her about the raise. I wanted to speak to her about it but I guess I could put it in an email if I can't catch up with her today. It's just easier for her to ignore emails and I don't want to let her off the hook so easily. It's not as though she'll be totally surprised; we did talk about it earlier this year so I'm really just following up, right? Right.

I got a World Vision Christmas Gift Guide in the mail and will definitely be making a contribution this year. For a donation of $100 for instance a family will receive 4 hens and 2 roosters or an entire medical clinic can be stocked with supplies! I'm glad I bothered to read the catalogue instead of just putting it into the recycling bin.

Kay sent me the details for that party tomorrow night. It's pretty close by so she and Jude and probably going to pick me up on the way.

Blogginaugeration

After excessive and obsessive contemplation I finally decided to start my blog on this dreary, 10-degree-day in October. Characteristic of the overly-cautious Virgo that I am it took me the equivalent of forever to decide what to call my space. I'm truly hopeless!

I've been stressed out all week in anticipation of the talk I want to have with my boss about a raise. She and I just aren't the best of friends so this isn't going to be easy but I know I deserve it and need to remind myself of that. I was so going to do it yesterday but she hung up with me quite abruptly so I didn't have time. I told myself that today would be the day but she called me this morning and told me she wasn't feeling well. Damn. I can hardly bring up such a sensitive topic now, can I? I really don't want to wait until next week otherwise I may never do it so tomorrow will have to be the day. Gulp.

Kay wants to try "speed dating" and wants me to come along. It does sound entertaining but I'm not sure I can do it - I start giggling like a fool every time we talk about it. The next event is only a little over a week away. I will probably go, if only for the experience. I have little to no expectations for the evening except to have fun and maybe a few laughs in the process. Kay's also told me about a party this w/e on the Plateau. Haven't been to a house party in ages so should be cool. This has been an unprecedented year of adventure and change and growth for me and I couldn't be happier about it.

No real plans tonight. It's raining and the forecast calls for rain straight on through till next week. Ugh. Maybe go to Kim's for dinner tonight and after that who knows...