A Double Standard

Sometimes I wish I were a guy. Would a single guy say no if a hot girl asked him out because the girl didn't call soon enough? Would a guy take it upon himself to teach the hot girl a lesson by ignoring her calls? Would a guy worry about being perceived as an easy tramp by the hot girl if he allowed himself to be seduced by her? Hell no. He'd probably just fuck her, smoke a cigarette, and show her the door.

I heard from Blind Date this afternoon who I haven't seen since our date in mid-March. He has, however, called or emailed me four times since then and has now asked me out twice, but both times for the very night he was calling and both times I had other plans. Is it purely arrogant for me to expect him to put more effort into it and calling earlier even though I've put absolutely no effort in myself? Am I playing a great Bitch by not wasting my time on someone who won't trouble himself for Moi? Or am I just being anal (no pun intended) and depriving myself of a good time with a very sexy man from whom I want nothing more?

Maybe I'm being particularly hard on Blind Date because I already have one part-time lover that I hate that I can't say no to. It's like I'm trying to overcompensate and demand respect from Blind Date, who's a stranger to me and doesn't really owe me anything, instead of from Jay, who's supposed to be my friend but who definitely hasn't tried as hard as Blind Date. And yet I was willing to see Jay in a moment's notice a few nights ago precisely because he's also my friend. If anyone deserves a tongue-lashing (not that kind of tongue-lashing) for his spontaneous/insensitive behaviour it's Jay. I'm less forgiving of Blind Date and that's a double standard that's not really fair to him or me.

I guess, in the end, this isn't about Blind Date at all but about my displaced annoyance with Jay. I'm no where near wanting a relationship or anything of the sort with him but I do expect more consideration from him, especially given our friendship, than what I feel I'm getting. The thing between Blind Date and me was just physical and I can appreciate that. What I don't want is for it to become only that between me and Jay. Ironically, we've lost some of the intimacy and closeness we'd previously had. Our situation isn't (yet) such that it'll be difficult to go back to being just friends, but we should probably do that soon before things get more complicated. I dare say we had more fun as friends.

So what does this mean for Blind Date? Should I ditch him or should I just use him for what he's pretty damn good at? I mean, it'd be a shame to let that go to waste. Plus, the fact that I'm actually attracted to someone is a rare treat indeed. Why can't what's good for the gander be even better for the goose?

A Numbers Game

How many sexual partners does an average person have over the course of their lifetime? I found myself asking this question after an episode of Scrubs in which JD, Turk, and Dr. Cox each call out their respective tallies: 9, 12, 18. I wondered whether these numbers were realistic as I'd always assumed the average to be much higher than that.

A google search resulted in averages ranging from 6 to 23, which didn't help much until I came across the 2005 Global Sex Survey, conducted by Durex. The answer according to Durex? 9 (globally), with men averaging more partners (10.2) than women (6.9). Canadians and Americans are only slightly more active with an average of 10.7 partners. The Turkish topped the list at 14.5 lovers (maybe it's all that strong Turkish coffee), followed by Aussies (13.3) and Kiwis (13.2), giving new meaning to the term "Down Under".

So I guess the writers of Scrubs did their homework. I think 10.7 is a respectable figure. I personally know people who have had considerably less (like, none) as well as those who've had a lot more (like, the size of a small village) but it's good to know that the Average Joe/Jane may have been around the block but not the neighborhood. I know I wouldn't want my boyfriend to have slept with more than, say, 12 people. Realistically how many men would other men want their girlfriends to have been with? Enough to be considered sexy and experienced but not enough to rival Annabel Chong, right?

Other highlights from the survey...

Countries where you're most like to find:

• Cheaters (AKA Extra-marital affairs): Turkey (58%), Denmark (46%), Norway (41%), Iceland (39%), Finland & Vietnam (36%). (Canada 18%, US 17%).
  
• A One-Night-Stand: Norway (70%), Finland, Sweden & New Zealand (64%), Denmark (63%). (Canada 52%, US 50%).
  
• A threesome: Australia (28%), Iceland, NZ & South Africa (26%), US (24%), and Canada (23%).
  
• Anal sex: Chile (55%), Greece (55%), Crotia (49%), Finland (49%), Norway (48%). (Canada 41%, US 47%).
  

• Most common places to have sex besides the bedroom (globally): in the car (50%), in a washroom (39%), in your parents' bed (ew) 36%.
  
• 54% of Australians have had sex in the park.
  
• 16% of Chileans and 15% of Norwegians have had sex on public transport.
• Canadians and Americans lead the way for Sex on Camera at 21%!
  

Greece is officially the horniest country with Greeks having sex 138 times a year (2.7 times/week) versus the global average of 103 times a year. Canadians and Americans aren't doing so badly at 108 and 113 times per year respectively, or about twice a week, which apparently still ain't enough for the 41% of men who want it more often.

Satisfied with the knowledge of where I fall on the scale I quietly folded up my List and tucked it back into its hiding place. Of course, a person's Number is only one part of the big picture. Just how big of a slut are you? Find out here!

Chivalry Lives

I'd forgotten what it was like to go out with a real gentleman, someone who does all of those little things that many of us don't even expect on a date anymore. Ask any woman and she'll probably agree that chivalry is dead but that it should be revived - STAT! It's true that dating protocol has undergone some dramatic shifts in the recent past with it now being perfectly acceptable for a woman to ask a man out and so forth. Some men argue that they don't know how to behave on a date anymore. No matter how much times have changed and how many men women ask out one thing remains: old-fashioned good manners still wins points with the girls.

After Jon dropped me off last night I found myself thinking of all of his small gestures throughout the evening that together made such a big difference. It's the little things that count and that will set some men apart as the exception and not the rule. (Speaking of The Rules, Jon didn't break a single one.) It's not enough for guys to do the obvious like pay for dinner - though that in itself is not a given - and think that that'll be enough to earn him the title of First Knight. Lancelot, you are not. That said, here, in my humble opinion, are a couple of moves that are sure to get her talking to her girlfriends about you post-date:

1) Pick up the tab. (I've paid for my half of so many dates I've come to hate the Dutch.) Bonus points if you do it discreetly. Pay the bill on your way to/from the men's room. Or, after it arrives at the table set your credit card down without looking at the total or otherwise making a big deal out of it. Jon not only paid for dinner but for drinks and a show afterward. I offered every time but he wouldn't hear of it.
2) Let her order first. Don't begin eating before she does and eat at her pace. No woman likes to feel like she's the only one left eating and that you're waiting for her to finish.
3) Call the girl to confirm the date, especially if you made the date several days earlier and haven't spoken since. We've all been in that situation where it's Friday evening and you have no idea whether he's going to show up or not cause you haven't spoken since Monday when he kinda asked you out. If you actually do go out and have a good time it's nice to call or email her ideally 12-48 hours after the date to tell her so. Just a few words, nothing drawn out.
4) Pick her up instead of meeting at the agreed-upon location. This does not mean calling her from your cell phone to let her know you're outside or worse, honking while you're double-parked. Similarly, drop her off at the end of the evening or at least slow down enough so that she can jump out and roll safely to the curb.
5) Bring something. Flowers might be going overboard but a bottle of wine or some dessert is a nice gesture. Who knows, maybe she'll invite you back to share it later.
6) Compliment her. Just once upon arriving is fine to acknowledge any effort she put into preparing for the date. No need to slip in a puddle of your own drool all night.
7) Open doors and let her through first. Holding the door open behind you isn't the same thing. I must have gone to Jon's car a half-dozen times yesterday and he unlocked the passenger side first and opened the door for me every time. (I unlocked the driver's side door for him from the inside. Hey, gotta do my part.)
8) Walk on the outside nearest to the street. This is an oft-forgotten move that is still appreciated. It's unlikely that you'll be able to save her if a car were to come careening off the street but it's nevertheless a heroic gesture. At the very least you'll shield her from being splashed by a careless driver.

The real key is to do all of this smoothly, not obviously. Be casual, not corny. You don't have to stand up every time she gets up from the table, pull out her chair or help her into or out of her coat. It's a shame but women are so unaccustomed to chivalrous behavior that obvious moves can arouse our suspicions or activate our gag reflexes so it's best to be genuine, not phony. I'm told that Jon is always a gentleman, not just to the woman with whom he's on a date. I think guys can learn a lot from Jon, like Jeff for example, a guy that I went out with last week who was pleasant and polite enough but missed all the little things. OK, so you can't make a woman fall in love with you by picking her up or paying for dinner but you can show her some respect and make her feel pretty special. It might win you a second date. Or maybe you'll be the inspiration for an entire post in her blog. Well done, Jon, well done!

Star Crossed

I can't wait for June. That's when, according to my astrological Transit report, things are finally scheduled to slow down for me. The current forecast, valid from January-June 2006, could not be more accurate and I feel it's taking a toll on me, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

My voice is hoarse from several continuous days of outings. It's been really exhausting, interesting and entertaining but at the same time I know to expect that nothing and no one is permanent in my life right now. This has been somewhat difficult for me to accept because I'm not accustomed to casual or transient relationships but it's not always up to me to decide. Some newer friendships haven't quite measured up and older friends that I'd been ready to let go of have made a comeback. At this rate I honestly can't predict who will still be in life by end of the month, much less the summer or the year...

26 January 2006 - 3 June 2006, strongest around 30 March 2006 and 1 April 2006, Transiting Pluto is Square your Radix Moon's North Node Retrograde

This transit is often associated with the making or breaking of karmic or fated connections. People can come into and go out of your life at this time. Unions you form now may prove to be important in your future. You may be influenced and changed through others - or similarly you could have a powerful influence upon other people. Alternatively, there may be the feeling of being pressured by others. Power struggles can occur now. Under special circumstances, you may farewell someone with some sadness or grief now.

21 February 2006 - 17 May 2006, strongest around 11 March 2006 and 30 April 2006, Transiting Saturn is Square your Radix Venus

This is one of the more challenging transits of Saturn, because it affects your personal connections and love or affection unions by testing their permanence. Relationships that are rocky may not survive this period, whilst those that are essentially stable will endure and become firmer. Whatever the current state of your important relationships, you are advised to keep your feelings in check and to allow your head to rule your heart. If that seems dull and boring, so be it, but it might just be the difference between success and failure in a relationship. This can be a time for commitment or re-commitment in love. It can also be a time of separation or loss.

I'm taking it all in stride, trying not to let it go to my head or alternatively get me down. I'm enjoying this exciting time and appreciating it for what it's worth. It's given me the opportunity to live life in a way I never have before. Things might not turn out exactly the way I want them to but I'm learning to keep my expectations realistic and just take things as they come. As long as I'm aware of the limitations and not taking things too seriously I should emerge from this period unscathed. Nevertheless, I'm looking forward to slightly quieter times (and less but more meaningful connections) to come.

Opportunity Knocks

I've been suffering from a severe case of writer's block, which partially explains why I haven't blogged in what seems like forever. It's also been relatively quiet on the dating front, though it's a reprieve that I've actually welcomed given that I've been rather preoccupied with thoughts of work lately. Ironically, the creative constipation and dating drought are indirectly related to my work woes. I've yet to finish an article that I'm planning on submitting as part of a job application and the deadline is looming.

I'd been thinking about moving on from my current employer for some time now but still hadn't come across anything that would justify my leaving six years at a well-paying, multi-national corporation behind. I even got that raise that I'd been griping about since last October. I know I was overdue for an increase but I also think it was a strategic decision on the part of management, who've been teasing my department with (as yet unfulfilled) promises of restructuring and new challenges.

It doesn't help that my friends Sandy and Laura are both starting new jobs soon. In fact, we're going out tomorrow night to celebrate. I'm happy for them but I can't help feeling a bit jealous too. Laura was leaving her job at a cosmetics company and actually referred Sandy for the position. You always hear about people getting jobs this way but I've never relied on anyone but myself to get ahead. I find the whole job application and selection process to be somewhat haphazard. The best person for the job doesn't always get it, especially if she didn't know about the vacancy in the first place. Sometimes it's just a matter of being in the right place at the right time. It's unfair but life can be unfair like that.

In the meantime, as I wait and hope for new org announcements, I've put my feelers out and will continue to pursue selected opportunities. I'm a big believer in fate, not insomuch that I'll sit idly by waiting for things to happen to me, but rather that the right door will eventually open for me as long as I make sure I'm already on my feet.