Rejection 101

I went on my date with Jason #4, heretofore referred to as J4, over the weekend. (We were supposed to go out the previous week but he'd postponed due to illness.) I didn't even really want to go but felt I owed it to our matchmaker to at least meet J4. He was very inoffensive on our date - didn't break a single one of my first date Rules - but once again no sparks. Although I had a nice time I probably wouldn't bother with a second date. Which brings about my next question...

How do I politely decline his request for a second date? He emailed me yesterday asking if I was free this coming weekend. He's very nice but I'd rather not lead him astray by going out with him again and I'm not really interested in just being friends. How do I let him down without excessively hurting his feelings or bruising his ego? People always say that they prefer the straight dope when someone isn't into them but no one ever provides examples of the right thing to say. Is there a class out there I can take? A manual I can consult? A list of excuses I can refer to? Maybe it's time to start my own list...

Affirmation

In case anyone was wondering, I'm perfectly happy with my life at the moment. I may occasionally bitch and complain about this or that but the truth is I'm thrilled to have something to complain about. At the tender age of 27 I have a LIFE for the first time, answering to no one but myself, so excuse me if I'm not in a hurry to get to the alter or delivery room just yet. It annoys me that people feel they can judge me without knowing what I've been through, how I got here, and where I know I'm headed.

I was the baby of the family so my parents, who are older and thus more old-fashioned than most, were very strict with me. I was a good kid and kept my nose clean (except for the year I was 15 when I had my parents regretting they hadn't stopped at 3 children). With a little creativity I did manage to get periodic and short-lived tastes of freedom, including the time I spent abroad as a student when I was 21. But otherwise I basically went from living with my Father to living with my Boyfriend, both of whom were overly protective of me.

I've been responsible my whole fucking life, working my way through university and moving to Toronto right after graduation to work and be with my then-boyfriend. I brought home the bacon and fried it up in the pan every day for both of us, paying for everything from the apartment to the cars to the vacations we took. I was in love and didn't want to spend my time with anyone but him so making friends was not a priority, however I did adopt two dogs that I alone cared for. Needless to say it was a fatiguing lonely time.

Then somehow I got a cosmic break. A window of opportunity cracked open momentarily and, buoyed by a sudden surge of confidence and a good dose of desperation, I took the leap and rid myself of 135 pounds of dead weight. I knew I'd be OK. In fact, I'm better than OK. I'm happier than I've ever been. I come and go as I please. Answer to no one. Do whatever and whoever I want. I haven't shed a sad tear all year. If I threw a party I'd actually have people to invite. I'm having fun dating (boys like me, they really like me!). Surrounded by family who would do anything for me. All the while earning a living from my lovely home, paying bills, voting, recycling, and saving for a rainy day. It doesn't get any better than this.

I control my life. It doesn't control me. Finally. If I'm here it's because I want to be here doing what I'm doing for as long as I consciously choose to do it. I can tell you it has been one year, one month, and counting. I'm fully aware that my time is fleeting. I'm not 21 anymore nor am I trying to live as though I were. I'm just trying to do whatever makes ME happy right now, while there's only me to worry about. I expect to get married and have kids as much as the next person and I know it can happen in an instant so why not cut me some slack and allow me to enjoy this brief reprieve before I voluntarily step back into the cyclone?

I've come under fire recently from people who really don't know what they're talking about, who will never in their entire lives pull off what I can in a single year. I will do my best to not let these bitter jealous people take the wind from my sails when I know I've earned this holiday. I'm sure they'd like nothing more than to see me miserable, married and mother to three screaming tots. And I'm OK knowing that I will be (minus the miserable) someday, probably soon. But not yet. Not yet.

Pre-emptive Strike

Yesterday my neighbor Claus invited me to the launch of a book that he and his live-in girlfriend Lise co-edited, featuring stories of "raunchy sex, heartbreaking romance, and strange fantasies." I don't know what's more disturbing, the thought of Claus and Lise talking about "raunchy sex", engaging in it, or (shudder) both. Apparently they're both published writers of short fiction. Erotica, people, Erotica! I never woulda guessed it, they're so unassuming.

The book launch is taking place a day after my friend's Joy Toyz Party, which is like a Tupperware party but for today's naughty Independent Woman (the shoes on my feet, I bought it, the clothes I'm wearin' I bought it, the rock I'm wearin' I bought it, cause I depend on me). I've invited three of my own girlfriends to "come along". Toyz. No Boyz. Watch this space for pictures and video clips of our wild night. Yeah, right.

Both of these events are strategically scheduled in the days preceeding Valentine's Day 2006. The logic here is that armed with a Hitachi Magic Wand and a copy of erotic short fiction us single gals should be able to happily "ride out" this dreaded holiday sans hommes, giving the V in V-Day a whole new meaning.

Me Tarzan, You Jane

How can men be such p*ssies without actually having 'em? Pardon my french but the male species have been the cause of major frustration lately. I often feel like I'm back in high school where the men are still boys and as boys are incapable of making any kind of bold move. And by "move" I mean anything from the simple act of calling a girl, to asking her out, to (good heavens!) kissing her at the end of the evening, and beyond. This passivity is maddening.

I think the Guy Who Makes The First Move is quickly becoming extinct and is being replaced by the Guy Who Waits For You To Make A Move or the Guy of the Half-Assed Moves, neither of whom I find particularly desirable. Look, I totally sympathize with the Fear Of Rejection but confidence is a very sexy and increasingly rare quality. Anyway it seems men are unable to make a move even when the women are - as far as we're concerned - obviously receptive. Shy can be sweet for a while, and then it just plain sucks.

I can honestly say that I've had to make the first move (and practically all subsequent moves) with the last five guys I've dated, even when it was clear that they liked me. This includes the policeman who could carry a loaded gun everyday but couldn't summon up the courage to kiss me. I'm not suggesting men go out and club women over the head and drag them unconscious to their caves but I personally find a well-timed brutish move kinda hot. I wish one or two of the guys currently hovering uncertainly around me would just swing by on a vine and whisk me off into the trees.

Gadar

I'm a pretty touchy-feely person. Growing up the youngest of four I was the recipient of many cuddles and kisses from family members. I grew up thinking it was a normal way to express our genuine affection for one another and I make it a point to smother my own (4) nephews and (2) nieces in hugs and kisses whenever I see them. Let me tell ya, it's as nice to give affection as it is to receive it and as far as I'm concerned we don't do it enough on a daily basis.

When did we become so deathly afraid of touch? It seems we've become accepting, even desensitized, to sex on TV and today's generation is indeed more aware of their sexuality but what about the simple act of hugging someone or being close to them? I guess geography and culture is partly to blame. It's not a myth that the idea of "personal space" is not as important in, say, latin countries as it is in western ones. I've seen the ground around public telephones marked to remind people to keep their distance. I find this sad somehow.

I recall the exact moment I realized I had to behave differently with friends than I did with family. In 7th grade I kissed my best friend on the cheek while she was sleeping and turned around to a chorus of, "Ewwww! Lesbian! Lesbian!" from the other girls. I learned very quickly that hugs were acceptable but kisses far less so. Nevetheless as we got older the hugs we used to exchange with some frequency as teenagers have become two-cheeked "air" kisses. What's next? A tilt of the head from across the room?

I love an occasional platonic snuggle with a male buddy that I really care about. I would liken the way I feel about some close friends to my affection for a sibling or relative. It's cool if there's a vibe too, enough to make it interesting but weak enough that it's not really an issue. I think maybe I need a gay friend. That way, we can both cuddle to our hearts content without worrying about what it "means". My sister adores her gay pal, Will, and my friend Sandy has Manu. Now how to go about finding one of my very own...

Meli Melo

I don't have anything specific in mind for this post so I thought I'd just write a bit about whatever comes to mind...

First off, it's Anne's birthday today so JOYEUSE ANNIVERSAIRE, girl, and I'll see you on Saturday night. (Anne's having a party at her "ghetto pad". Sounds like fun, looking forward to it!)

Last Saturday night I went with some friends to Unity, a gay bar in the Village. The patrons were 99.9% male (homosexual, obviously) and sizzling hot. Most were very masculine and not stereotypically gay. They were tanned, toned, topless, and totally uninterested. I didn't take it personally :) I danced until the bottoms of my feet were burning. After closing we went and had some (cold, congealed) pizza from a dive across the street, which I suspect to be the source of the food poisoning that plagued me for the 2 days following. What a nightmare. I still haven't been able to eat a solid meal since.

It was amid bouts of nausea (heart-burn, in-di-ges-tion, up-set sto-mach, dia-rrhea. Hey, Pepto-Bismol!) that I found out about The Boy's extracurricular activities and subsequently broke up with him. Latest on him: he sent me a very long, romantic email asking for forgiveness and a second chance. I said Oui to the first part but Non to the second. I feel really good about my decision and I'm glad things ended on a more positive note. I'd like to be friends but not sure if he'd go along with that.

I spent Tuesday night at Jay's house (of the infamous Roommate Sex episode) as the street became covered in a sheet of ice and it was too dangerous to attempt the drive home. Thankfully Matt was sans ho this time. Jay told me how much he hated it that I'd met J. Turns out they used to be buddies until J "stole" Jay's girlfriend years ago. Jay thinks that by cavorting with me J's stickin' it to him again since I am, technically, also one of his ex-girlfriends. I reassured him that there was nothing going on between me and J, at least not recently.

Speaking of J...Things have been (frustratingly) platonic the last few times we've seen one another. He just ended a long term relationship a few months ago so I understand. We do lots of talking and smoking, which is cool, however it'd be more bearable if he were a little less cute. He's sending some mixed signals but I read in an article recently that this isn't a bad thing:

Mixed signals are, for the most part, a good sign. They mean a guy is unsure, either of whether or not he likes you, or how to go about letting you know he digs you. The fact of the matter is that either one of these options are good. Most men will drop you like a bad habit if they aren´t into you. Most men won´t stick around if they do not see some sort of future value, some prospect. This holds true for even the kind, generous, or shy men; a waste of time is a waste of time, and most people don´t walk that route.

True or not?

Finally, I have a date with yet another Jason this weekend. (I met 4 Jason's last year, 3 of which have last names starting with W and the other with a V, only one letter away! Freaky.) Our mutual friend thought we'd get along so we're going to play pool and have a few drinks. Should be a fun outing though I'm not expecting a love connection. Discouraged much?

A Girl Has Got To Have Her Priorities

I broke up with The Boy this weekend. I was actually going to tough it out for a while longer but something occured that precipitated my decision. I found out that he'd signed up for an online dating account - around the time when I first told him about my doubts - all the while telling me not to give up on "us". While I do believe he liked me it sucked knowing that he was getting a head start on finding a replacement in case things didn't go his way. Caught like a deer in the headlights, not only did he initially deny it when I confronted him, he became defensive when he finally did admit to it. The way he reacted and retaliated was what put the final nail into the coffin.

I feel somewhat relieved now that it's over. Contrary to The Boy's accusation, I didn't need a reason (other than the fact that I wasn't that into him) to end things, though this indiscretion was discovered at an opportune time. Frankly, I was surprised and hurt by his reaction, though I understand his natural Fight versus Flight choice. If he'd been apologetic or remorseful I would've at least forgiven him before sending him on his way. But now all I am is glad that I didn't stick around cause who knows how long he would've been shopping around behind my back while lying to my face. I realize that I'm not entirely innocent in this case but I wasn't the one making (false?) declarations of love.

The ease of online dating is both an advantage and a pitfall. Ideally you want to meet someone who, like you, has only met a few (ie: < 5/yr) people online and is not some kind of cyber-slut/skank. However, it's inevitable that you'll encounter those who are less discriminating and more active. I don't particularly like knowing that I am so dispensable and I don't think my dates would either so I am careful to keep my "number" respectfully conservative. But I think I've had it with this method, at least for a while. I've actually met quite a few people by other means so I don't feel bad relegating Online Dating to the bottom of the How To Meet People list.

Ah well, it was fun while it lasted. The good news is that I'll have new material for my blog, right? In the end it's all about the blog, baby.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

But alas, I think it has to be done, and sooner than later. Fortunately, it won't be coming completely out of left field. I told The Boy recently that I feel there's no spark and that things just don't feel right to me. On paper and in practice we are a total match, which is why breaking up seems so foolish and difficult. There would be few foreseeable problems in our relationship, so right are we for one another. But the physical attraction, the electricity, is just not there and as far as I'm concerned that's the deal breaker. It never really was there to begin with, though I tried to tell myself otherwise, but it's actually died even further in the last few weeks. No sense in beating a dead horse, as they say.

On the flip side, I saw J again and it's safe to say that I don't see a future for us even though the physical chemistry was off the charts. We are from different sides of the tracks, have completely different views on the world, different approaches, different interpretations and different ways of communicating. That is, I analyze, rationalize and verbalize and he's more of a laid back quiet dreamer. I never know what he's thinking and it drives me crazy. There'd be no end to the fights and misunderstandings we'd have. I knew all this going in. Astrologically speaking J and I are opposite signs and it's completely obvious. It's so clear that we'd never have a chance that I can't even be disappointed. We may end up being friends, which would be fine with me. Guess I'll find out when I see him tomorrow night.

In a matter of weeks I experienced two extremes: intense intellectual/emotional bond but little physical chemistry and strong sexual attraction but weak mental compatibility. Neither of which are the makings of a solid relationship (though I'll take passion over companionship any day). And so it's back to the drawing board with much enthusiasm. My experiences with J and The Boy showed me that I'm not ready to give up my independence just yet, especially not for someone I'm not super excited about. I'm even letting my friend Sandy set me up with some Vietnamese guy she knows. He sounds surprisingly cool and she thinks we'd really get along. I'd normally refuse but Sandy is great and I trust her so I'm going to be open-minded about this. Who knows? Maybe it'll work out but I daren't breathe a word to my parents. They'll be printing up wedding invitations before you know it.

As If Things Weren't Complicated Enough...

Talk about things happening when you least expect them to...I met someone really interesting last night. (How did I suddenly go from dismally few prospects to this? I swear I'm no ho, yo!!) Drew's flying back to BC today so I joined the gang last night for a Farewell party. There I met J, someone Drew's known and talked about for the last ten years so it was nice to finally put a (very cute) face to a name. We fell into conversation and hit it off almost immediately. Sparks were definitely flying. This is what it's supposed to be like, I thought.

All I'm going to say is that we had a really nice time and got to spend some time alone together. I'd really like to see him again and hope to hear from him soon. Drew called this morning to tell me that J had sent him a text message after I left last night saying, "Cat's great. Thanks, man." I was tickled pink to hear that but it could be meaningless. Since then I've been walking around in a daze, with a stupid grin plastered on my face, thinking about last night.

I'm not sure what's going to happen with The Boy who I do care about and who I'm supposed to see tomorrow. At this point I'm not expected to choose or anything because J and I aren't even dating and who knows whether we ever will. Even if we did, I don't know how successful we'd be. The Boy and I have much more in common and are more suited to one another but unfortunately the chemistry isn't quite right. I wish I was as excited about The Boy as I am about J. It was nothing J did or didn't do or how he looked or didn't look. It was just so.

As interested as I am in dating J I dread hearing that he feels the same way because that means I'll have to make a decision. I'm pretty sure I know what I want but as sure of myself as I think I am I'm terrified of making the wrong choice. Another part of me is hoping that I won't hear from J again so that I don't have to hurt The Boy. For now, I'll do my best to forget about J. It's way too early to see him as a real threat anyway, right?

(Meant) To Be Or Not To Be?

This whole business with the voicemail is driving me crazy. Now I kinda regret deleting my message. I'm pretty sure he didn't hear it but it's unlikely that his roommate will remember enough or anything about it to tip him off as to the caller's identity. Even if he thinks it might be me he probably wouldn't call unless he was sure and there's no way he could be sure after our 3 month hiatus.

My Best Friend, the perpetual drama queen, thinks he and I are meant to be because of the whole password fiasco. I have to admit it's pretty freaky. I thought it was a sign to mean that I should never have left the message in the first place and to forget about him for good. Best Friend thinks I was meant to actually speak to him and is trying to convince me to call again but I don't think I can. I can't believe I psyched myself up to call him and leave a message only to erase it and end up right back where I started.

I can understand Best Friend's encouragement. She's a romantic and a big believer in gut feelings. She knows how much I was and still am into him. When I was with him I was definitely hoping for a future together. It's not a good sign that I'm living only in the moment with The Boy. See, I inevitably lose interest in guys that I'm not instantly crazy about. I may go out with them for a while because they're so nice/hot/into me but sooner than later I get that "Ew, gross" feeling that signals that the end is near. I don't want to have to feel that for The Boy. To be honest I already find some of his quirks rather trying.

People always tell you to trust your gut and follow your heart. I think I know what I feel, or rather don't feel. I think I'm pretty self-aware. Drew and Nat have 5 happy years together and apparently it wasn't love at first sight. But what worked for them might not work for me. The ones with whom I've been madly in love with didn't always love me madly back but that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with my method. It's just a matter of finding someone who's going to be just as crazy about me as I am about them. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Carol has been with her boyfriend Micha for over 5 years. She loves him, he's great, he adores her, they get along, the sex is good. He's husband material and they're probably going to get married. But she's cheated on him several times in the past with Alex. She reasoned that she'd never dump Micha for Alex, that Micha is The One. I know he can't possibly be The One if she's cheated on him repeatedly and will likely do it again. She, like the rest of us, needs to find someone like Micha with whom she'll have a similar comfortable, workable relationship plus the attraction and passion that she has with Alex, otherwise she'll never stay faithful.

I don't want this dynamic for myself. If I stay in a relationship because of guilt and fear I'll only come to resent the person I'm with, or worse be turned off by them and that's not fun when it happens. With regard to The Boy I suppose I could be wrong. He's the best thing to come along in a long time, which I totally appreciate. Just remains to be seen whether my love will grow or fade with time. My last relationship like this lasted about 6 months before I could stand him no more but perhaps this'll have a happier ending...

Mission Impossible? Think Again.

I cannot BELIEVE the miracle that I just performed. I've reached a new high or low, depending on how you look at it. Earlier this evening, in a moment of both sheer weakness and utter hope, I went ahead and called The Cop after more than 3 months. My best friend convinced me to give it one last college try, telling me that I'd let the one person I most adored go without enough of a fight. I had to find out whether we still had a shot before going any further with The Boy.

So I called (around 7:30pm) and got the machine where I left a rather flirty message. Hours later I came to seriously regret the tone of the message and was ready to sell my soul for the power to erase it. Desperately, I dialed directly into the answering service, hoping to be able to somehow, someway guess his password - a 4-to-8-digit number that could have been conceived by any one of the three roommates in the house. On the 5th try, I got in.

I am Lara Fucking Croft, ladies and gentlemen. WTF?! It is UNFATHOMABLE that I managed to guess the code. He and I barely knew one another and I've never come close to meeting his roommates, yet somehow out of the infinite combination of 4-to-8-digit codes they could have entered I managed to guess it in 5 attempts. The magnitude of this feat stuns me. What are the chances?? He could totally arrest me for this. Oh, the irony.

Miracle aside, my message was the only one saved and I deleted it with some hesitation, hoping they'll think the erasure was due to a random glitch in the system. I'm thinking one of his roommates heard it and saved it for him. Logic here is that with three roommates they'd delete their own messages after listening to them in order to keep the box clear, right? So he's probably not heard it. I'd rather his roommates tell him what they remember about my message rather than let him hear it himself. He may know they mean me because I'm, like, the only english speaker he knows. If he wants to call me back but doesn't have my number anymore he can easily look it up. I'm in the book. If not, I am happy to forget about this little mishap (and him?) completely.

Wow.

Frogs And Fairytales

Matt says my blog will suffer now that I'll no longer be complaining about my Adventures in Dating. I prefer to think the reason I've neglected my blog is because I've been on vacation, and only today officially rejoined the work force. We'll see whether this post'll make up for my absence...I do have a lot on my mind.

Hope you all had a restful holiday! My New Years Eve at Chateau Bromont, one hour SE of Montreal, was so painful it was funny. The place was crammed with French-Canadian seniors accompanied by their grandchildren. The fogies were all probably half deaf so the kids took advantage of this and started with the noisemakers at about 7pm. At midnight, instead of Auld Lang Syne the band played La Danse des Canards. Ah, good times.

The Boy, who'd gone home for New Years, returned on Monday. We've spent most of out time together since, which has been great. In my last post I talked about not being compelled to think any further into the future than tomorrow. I still feel this way and it seems that The Boy picked up on this. (He's quite perceptive, he is.) He told me he feels as though I've one foot out the door and ready to bolt at any second. He's right, of course. I'm really happy when we're together but every time we part I'm not convinced we'll see one another again.

It's not as though I haven't enjoyed the last couple days. I really have. It's lovely to be tender with someone again, especially someone as special as he is, but for some reason I'm not thinking about next week, much less next month. He, on the other hand, is looking at least as far ahead as February. In all probability we may get there but why aren't I thinking about it? Do I even want it? With JP I (thought I) did. Heck, even the Philandering Psychiatrist got the wheels turning. Why have they suddenly come to a screeching halt now?

When I fall for someone I'm used to falling hard. Some have been Good Boys and some have been Bad Boys, some have been gorgeous and some barely good-looking. It was always more about the elusive *spark* than anything and it's always been instantaneous. It can be a physical spark, an emotional spark, an intellectual spark, and/or some other inexplicable attraction that just draws you to someone, makes your heart pound, your pulse race and your stomach churn even when you're not together. I'm used to and expect the latter and it's this feeling against which all new interactions are measured, even though none of these past relationships have stood the test of time...

I am full of contradictions. I've blogged about being practical in Love and Marriage and about realistically finding The One but the truth is I still want the fairytale where I fall head over heels over someone for whom I will never think "ugh" or "ew". To believe in just being in love as opposed to falling in love. If a friend said this to me, I'd tell her to rub the sleep from her eyes. I'd tell her that a coup de foudre is possible but that true love and respect, the building blocks of enduring relationships, take time to develop. I'd encourage her to give it a chance. The Boy told me that the love is more precious when you know you can lose your partner at any moment. That it's more meaningful for two people to choose to be together rather than just stay together due to fear or a lack of options.

My sister is frustrated with me. She thinks I'm going to ruin everything with my self-sabotage and emotional irrationality and she may be right. I think I'm doing a fair job so far of going with the flow. The Boy is honestly a very unique and special person and my affections are steadily growing. So what if I'm not head over heels (yet?)? This relationship might actually have a chance in hell and teach me something in the process. Or maybe not. Maybe his flaws and foibles won't ever endear him to me and I'll indeed "dump his ass" when he gets too annoying. Maybe he'll wisen up and show me how close I am to losing him. Maybe this is what I need because I believe he'll not stick around for long if I continue to be so non-committal. How's that saying go about appreciating something more after it's gone?

I also worry about when and how to tell Mac about this. It's fairly new so I've not said anything. To be honest, a part of me is thinking that it may well be over soon so I might never have to tell him. It kinda scares and saddens me to think that I might care enough about someone else. I don't know how I'd react if he came to me with this first. Could be I'm keeping this to myself because of The Ex Factor. Even though I know it's over and could never go back, it's tough to let go completely. As long as neither of us has found someone else it's like we're still the most important person to the other. I know it's egotistical but I'm not ready to give up the throne. And, you know, when you finally tell your ex you've moved on the last thing you want is to go back later and tell them it didn't work out. Sadistic, yes, but is it so unusual to take comfort (even delight) in the fact that your ex's new flame fizzled?

I think I've blogged enough for one day! I'd put off writing for a long time because I had so much going on in my head and didn't know where to start. I feel better having laid most of it out here. I hope I don't sound whiny and ungrateful. I know (don't I?) that a good man is hard to find and my spirits have indeed been buoyed by these recent turn of events, especially considering all the frogs I've kissed. One thing I know for sure, this Boy ain't no frog. I think maybe I'm having trouble putting it all into perspective but I promise I'll work on that...